Doing it with Intention

[FYI - this post is in reference to Tuesday. I stayed up too late and I'm posting after midnight on Wednesday morning.]
I'm in limbo on a couple of significant life altering issues, waiting to hear back from people, and it is unpleasant. I feel the need to pass the time by such productive time pacers as hand wringing . . . and chewing . . .

After succumbing to the call of a chocolate bar today (on top of totally not drinking water and not icing my shins and generally not taking care of myself) and the last piece(s) of homemade apple pie WITH ice cream (it was better to just go ahead and finish it ... really) I finally got smart enough to resort to some sugar free gum to satisfy my urge to chew, and chaw, and roll something over my tongue. I REALLY don't understand why we haven't perfected the WONKA meal gum yet, that would solve a lot of problems for me.

The gum is a fairly new thing, but it seems to be very helpful. I don't know that I've ever had such strong oral compulsions (ok . . . go ahead . . . say all the inappropriate things that have popped into your head out loud . . . . giggle and smirk and get on with it. Done? Ok, good). It even extends to speech. I've been nervously chattering non stop lately, even to myself (Clint TOTALLY busted me in mid conversation with my imaginary boss in the closet, I used to be a therapist, I've got that empty chair routine DOWN!). I was so annoying today, a fact that I was totally cognizant of but in a spectator way, like, "ohhh listen to yourself . . . that's really irritating the way you keep interrupting people and prattling on about yourself . . . you should really stop doing that" and yet apparently lacking any ability to stem the torrent of gibberish. So I kept shutting my door and trying to externally contain myself in my office, I certainly had plenty to do there, but even though I know I was objectively productive today, it all felt like I was spinning my wheels. Because in reality I was just waiting for my phone to ring, and measuring the time in ridiculously small increments. I ate another pink jelly bean (oh, did I fail to mention the jelly beans?). Look I wrote another sentence. Hey I found another fact in my box of facts. Wow, I managed to not throw the Georgia Rules of Civil Procedure at my partner's head even though he has popped into my office for the 18th time in the last 20 minutes to poke and prod at me. Yay me! The day passed, but it passed very mindlessly. In retrospect, it was a pretty unhealthy day, even though I started off with bootcamp (and the workout was Colonel Crunch . . . yay abs!).

Realistically speaking, tomorrow will also probably be a waiting day, not a finding out day. And whether I get the calls I'm waiting for or not, I still have to finish these work projects regardless. And I need to take care of myself. There's no reason I couldn't measure my day with sips of water, carrot sticks and kegels at my desk (hey its all about exercising the WHOLE body). And I should plan to keep gum on hand, just in case. As Jojo says . . . I should do it with intention. So many of my unhealthy self-destructive behaviors are so mindless. They are things I do to fill a void that I didn't plan to fill with something better. Resisting the mindless, embracing intent in every act, is a scary thing. If you do everything with intention, then you can never say you didn't mean it. But by the same token, you become a creative force, not a passive one.

I want to BE a creative force. That means creating a healthy life for myself. It means not cruising along unhappy because I lack the energy to resist the status quo. So here's to doing it with intention. To waiting with intention by planning healthy time passing and anxiety reducing behaviors. To working with intention so that my work projects get done, and done WELL. To exercising with intention so that I do continue to improve.