Passing through Between

I missed bootcamp again yesterday morning. I initially went to sleep Monday night but something woke me after only an hour and I began to mentally and emotionally freak out over various issues in my life. I was borderline panic attack for half the night. I kept counseling myself to breathe and to focus on what IS good in my life but it was a very long and challenging night. I finally dropped off just a bit before my bootcamp alarm clock went off. I was scheduled to spend the day assisting my boss and it would have been very very bad for me to have dozed off during all the sitting and listening that my day would involve. So I opted to get the extra two hours of sleep. I don’t think that was the wrong decision but I kept having this nagging feeling that I had forgotten something all day. And I hated feeling so subject to the whims of my night terrors, irrational or rational.

My day involved a trip to Monroe, GA. To get to Monroe, I had to drive through a town called Between. I passed the Between Grocery. The Between Baptist Church. Ho Hum Hollow Rd. I wondered what it was like to live in Between. Do people actually settle in Between? How do they cope with living in Between? Don’t they worry that they should be further up the road . . . or further back down the other way? Are they trying to avoid rocks and other assorted hard places?

Perhaps I should move there. I live in a constant state of Between. Between things I’m fleeing and things I’m running toward. Will I ever get THERE, wherever THERE is? Even if I do, I suspect I’ll still feel in Between, because there is always something further away that I want. Am I simply a wanderer, in a good way, who thrives on the next personal project, the next goal? Or am I actually lost in a place called Between? Incapable of finding fulfillment where I am? Perhaps there’s more to appreciate on Ho Hum Hollow Rd. in Between than I realized.

Last night I slept like the dead. And was wide awake by 5:05 am and on my way. Part of me secretly still expects me to give up on this particular journey. Its always a relief, and a bit of a surprise, especially after a stumble or a step back, to thwart that expectation.

Choking on the silver lining

So, I debated blogging about this at all, and it is part of what kept me from blogging all weekend. On Thursday I went to the Dr. so she could take a look at my shins. I've suffered with shin splints pretty much constantly since about halfway through September. In the NOVA Marathon Challenge two of the runners had shin splints. They both got checked out. One runner was cleared to train with some modifications and the other runner had stress fractures and had to stop. It wasn't at all clear to me how their symptoms were different so it made me a little worried that I wasn't attending to my own pain as well as I should.

Turns out she doesn't think I have stress fractures. I need to ice more consistently, take anti inflammatories more consistently, do some special stretches and give myself breaks periodically. Up until that point it was a fun appointment. I was last there in August with lower back pain because my back was too weak to carry my freakishly proportioned torso. She prescribed physical therapy. I really had a hard time accepting that, at the age of 34, I needed to see a physical therapist for something that was not so much injury related as it was sitting on my ass for decades related. Shortly thereafter the bootcamp opportunity came up and I jumped on it. My Dr. was so excited that I had taken her advice several steps further. She was so complementary and seemed so genuinely happy for me. I almost got out scott free. And then, she glanced at my chart and remembered something else about my August appointment. My blood pressure had been high. Which is wierd because I have a family history of low blood pressure.

She checked it again and her face grew grave and concerned. Then she checked it again. Then she tried the other arm. Then she shook her head and looked worried. Then she sat down and apologized for having to tell me that, after almost 2 months of high intensity exercise and eating right my blood pressure was HIGHER than it was in August. She couldn't understand it. She stressed again that I was doing everything right and she wants me to continue. BUT, because I AM exercising regularly she couldn't let me leave without officially diagnosing me with hypertension and prescribing medication. So far I'm only on a diuretic. They did some bloodwork and I'll go back soon for additional testing.

I was really crushed by the diagnosis. And I know that there are MANY worse things I could have discovered at my Dr.'s office. And I know that MANY people successfully manage hypertension and live full lives and do great. But I also thought that I had gotten away with it. That I had been self-indulgent for all those years and escaped relatively unscathed. I had started turning things around just in time. Except I didn't. It caught up to me. I didn't start running soon enough.

The label on my medical records feels heavy. I'm dreading checking that box the next time I fill out a form that asks about health history. I'm scared of what else they may discover with the lab work.

If you have been watching my stats you'll see that I've lost a bit more weight. Most of it since Thursday when I started taking the diuretic. My body is shedding all of its excess water and I'm apparently getting lighter by the minute. So, I'll take that silver lining, it just doesn't taste as sweet as I thought it might.

Marathons don't burn fat . . . say what?

Thanks to Pastaqueen’s (www.pastaqueen.com) heads up I watched NOVA’s Marathon Challenge special on PBS last week. You can watch it yourself online for free at the PBS website. It was a pretty cool one hour documentary about 12 sedentary individuals with varying history and ages and conditions who were trained to run the Boston Marathon in 9 short months. What I loved was all the cool CGI illustrations of how the training impacted and changed their muscles. It has been fun since I watched it to imagine the birth of new mitochondria in my leg muscles as I work out. Heretofore my entire understanding of mitochondria came from Madeline L’Engel. And really, who’s to say she was wrong? My mitochondria COULD be singing in harmony with the cosmos. That could explain the throbbing in my thighs at the end of a workout, its just the percussion section ramping up.

ANYWAY, I was also stunned to learn that distance running is not a great way to lose weight. In fact, one of the scientists overseeing the group said that the runners had achieved 90% of their fitness improvement by the time they ran 10 miles and anything beyond that was more about the mental goals than the fitness goals. A couple of the runners had weight to lose but the only one who did significantly reduce her body fat was one who ALSO did bootcamp while she was training for the marathon. Woohoo! Bootcamp ROCKS! So high intensity interval training is really the way to go in terms of losing fat and building muscle. But the mental challenge of distance running still really appeals to me. And emotionally I feel like there is so much in my life that I’d like to run from right now that I find running therapeutic. I can drop most of that stuff by the wayside while I run, and I feel more ready to pick it up again at the end. I got all choked up at the finish line scene when they actually finished the Boston Marathon and was sorely tempted to put on my shoes and hit the street right then at after 10 pm at night.

My only other comment about the special was that it felt WAY too short. I’m reality TV and blogosphere primed now. I want excruciating detail about each person’s journey through the process. I want back story and drama about obstacles overcome and those not cleared. I want to know WHY the one runner dyed his hair orange for the race day and WHY another runner completed the marathon with glass in her foot. I just have to wonder why she didn't take her shoes off to check what was causing the presumably sharp pains? But not knowing ANYTHING about it other than that she had glass in her foot at the finish line I don't feel that I'm in a position to suggest maybe she should have dealt with it some way other than continuing without checking first. This is how TV documentaries USED to be and it left me feeling like the whole thing was really unfinished and frustrating. I would LOVE to see a reality show that was all about getting fit rather than losing weight.

Bare Bones

I was looking for a cool image of a running skeleton but I really liked this one because it looks so joyous and free. And light. Not that I want to be all bones, by a long shot. Just that I’d love to be free of all the extra crap I carry around. If there is something on my body that will weigh me down, I want it to be providing something useful in return. So I’ll keep my bones, and my muscles, as heavy as they are per volume (in fact I’ll take a few more of those please, makes it easier to move the bones). My brain is a bit heavy, but important, as are the rest of my organs. My appendix is useless but it’s probably not weighing me down a WHOLE lot.

And I don’t indiscriminately hate all of my fat. I’m a curvy chick. Being a curvy chick unfortunately contributed to my fear of exercise. There is nothing like being ogled by the entire 6th grade as you attempt to run in your new C cup bra. Ergo – running = humiliation and shame. But being a curvy chick is also who I am. And I must admit, I know how to work it. Although I’d appreciate a more manageable cup size I’d never wish the girls away completely. And the same goes with the whole hourglass thing I’ve got going on. Even when I’m strong and fast and kicking butt I’d like to be cuddly and soft when the mood strikes.

But believe me, that leaves plenty that I’d love to drop away. Wouldn’t it be lovely to collect it all in grocery sacks and then just set it down and walk away from it? To experience that relief when you drop all 27 grocery bags that you struggled into the house because somehow cutting off the circulation to your fore arms was a small price to pay to save you from having to make . . God forbid . . . more than one trip back to the car? What if we could do that with our bodies?

I started this process because I wanted to look better. I also wanted to feel better and the chronic pain issues were and are very real and immediate. But at the end of the day I must acknowledge the fact that every diet and fitness attempt I’ve made in my life has been primarily motivated by my desire to conform myself to an ideal image.

If I had the ability to just drop all the extra fat and walk away from it, I never would have discovered that, even after decades of stifling it, I could rediscover the joy of movement. I would have wasted the “accomplishment” on parading around in skinny jeans lapping up compliments. What I’m gaining now is so much more valuable. It doesn’t matter if no one watches me run. Just the fact that I’m doing it impresses the hell out of me. And the feeling I get when I find that little extra bit of power when I thought I was done can’t come from outside me. I’m thankful I didn’t find an easy way to get into skinny jeans. I would have missed so much along the way.

Happy Halloween!