Charting My Course

I made it to boot camp twice this week thanks to my Dad and then my Stepmom sleeping over two nights. My ex had been coming over at 5:30 am (which is pretty darn nice of him I must say) but now he’s out of the country for the next 3 weeks. This was the last week of what was supposed to be my 4th boot camp. I’m torn about whether to count it or not because I attended so sporadically. I only went one day in week 2. I can’t go tomorrow for the PT test either. I’ve definitely realized that signing up for the February camp just doesn’t make sense logistically. I’ve got my son until 8 every morning and I have to pick him up by 6 in the evening (the evening boot camp starts at 6:15). I’m hoping when March rolls around Clint and I will have worked out a schedule and I can at least commit to attending most of a session.

In the meantime I’m looking for good videos/ cross training workouts I can do in my living room before my son gets up in the morning. I’m hoping I can do a couple of short runs during the week and I’ll definitely continue the long runs with the ING training group on Saturdays. I’m really excited to see that I’m building muscle definition in my arms so I’m going to pick up some resistance bands so I can continue working on that. And thanks to boot camp I now know a variety of different kinds of push ups to play with!

I’d also really like to give spinning a try, or swimming. Just don’t have the funds to get facility access at the moment although the Y does offer childcare so that would solve part of my problem. I’d love to try kickboxing and martial arts as well. My list of things I want to sample just keeps growing, having a full time job is REALLY cramping my style! I need to find someone to pay me a lot of money to write a regular column about working out. Somehow I’m figuring that market is kind of saturated . . . but hey, you never know!

I’ve also decided to sell our house. It’s just too much for me to carry on my own (heck it was kinda too much for us to carry as a couple but we were somehow scraping by each month). So if anyone is looking to move into the Decatur Area into a beautiful brand new total renovation let me know via a comment. I don’t want to post too many details here. Chase was very sad at the news (as am I) but he’s continuing to be a trooper about it. I’m hoping to rent a smaller place in the same neighborhood. I am excited about downsizing and simplifying everything in my life. I’m hoping in 6 months (if not sooner) I’ll be breathing easier financially.

I’ve been having a blast socially, getting out much more than I have in years, meeting lots of new people (including some nice dating prospects). I’m really enjoying interesting conversations over coffees and lunches and the occasional Strongbow. It’s just nice to flirt and explore. For once in my life I know that I’m attractive, I know I have a lot to offer, and I’m not questioning the fact that people seem to be interested in getting to know me better. Based upon my burgeoning social calendar I’m finding that I’m apparently in short supply and high demand!

Two months . . .

St. Pete Beach Classic 2008 Race Report.
In just over two months I'll be running more than twice this distance . . . I am feeling a bit daunted I must admit. I finished my first 10K this weekend and for some reason I had to fight for every step. Afterwards I felt nearly crippled for the rest of the day. Turns out that a flat course is REALLY boring and the lack of downhills was kinda soul killing in a way. It just felt so LOOOONNNG. The weather (about 68 and REALLY foggy) seemed to be dampening everyone's spirits. When I first arrived the back of the pack 5K finishers were coming in and there was a lot of cheering for them which got me all excited and choked up at the same time. They even had someone announcing people's names and their home towns as they came around the corner into the finish chute. I picked up my chip and got it attached to my shoe without difficulty. There were more than enough porta potties so I could time my last visit just like I wanted without being hampered by lines. I felt great at the start!

Once we got going though the flatness was just SO dull. Most of the folks I was pacing with were wearing headphones and the volunteer enthusiasm seemed dampened by the weather. With few exceptions there just wasn't much spectating or cheering going on. So mentally all those factors made for a very LONG race.

My chip time was 1:15:59. A few weeks ago I did 5.92 miles in 1:16. This was 6.2 miles so it was a bit faster but not by as much as I expected. I was worried about hydration because I felt so hot and there were lots of water stations. I felt compelled to take some at each station. I tried to emulate the Ironman runners I watched on TV a few weeks ago but apparently running, drinking out of a paper cup and breathing at the same time is a skill that is currently beyond my ability level. So I ended up walking through each water stop.

The course required that you run back by the finish line (which was the 5 mile mark) and then overshoot it and continue down Gulf Blvd. to a turnaround. I was actually mentally ok with the overshoot, I was just so happy to know that I only had a mile left to go! So I tried to finish with a flourish, we'll see how I did when the professional photos go up.

Chase ran in the Kids Dash and came in 3rd in his age group and got a medal. He was so thrilled. He also thought it was hilarious that he came in third and I came in 444th! (Hey, I was actually 31st out of 34 in my age group though!)

After napping on my Aunt's couch and waiting for the fog to burn off some Chase and I returned to the beach but went to my old favorite from my college days, Pass-a-Grille Beach. I indulged in some conch fritters at the Hurricane and then we played in the wet and windy sand and walked on the beach looking for stuff. Chase was in a magical place, just free and happy, literally dancing through his day. I've been so focused on the release of tension that I've felt with the separation, but on this weekend I really became aware of how much tension seems to have left Chase now as well. I haven't seen him this happy in a long time.

Going with it

I've been swimming like hell for a long time. Fighting currents and struggling to get breaths of sweet air in the rapids. So I find myself floating more now. Just riding the water. Not focused on dictating my direction anymore. Exhileration. Fear. The line between the two is transparent.

I'm writing from my Aunt's house in St. Petersburg. Drove down Thursday evening and this morning, spending the night at Exit 5, just before the Florida line. Chase is with me and it has been delicious to have this time with him, singing in the car, bouncing on the bed in the hotel, goofing off. His resilience is strong.

I'm sad that I didn't go to bootcamp again this week after Monday. This morning I was out of town obviously, but Tuesday and Thursday were missed primarily because I just couldn't / wouldn't sleep and I sort of allowed the logistics of organizing those mornings just slip away from me. Intellectually I know that I shouldn't beat myself up over it. I should start fresh next week, accept that I'm not perfect, accept that I should allow myself to be in a strange place this first week of separation. But in my heart I feel sad about it.

I'm nervous and excited about the 10K tomorrow. I stopped at Phiddipedes on Thursday afternoon and was able to find two Moving Comfort Jog Bras (I got one Maia style and one Fiona). When I tried them on I couldn't believe the difference. I'm so excited to run with a REAL bra supporting me tomorrow! And I indulged in a shorter pair of running tights and couple of new tops while I was there. I picked the tops off the racks in size M. Although I'm well endowed I don't mind showing it off and the rest of my upper body frame is petite so larges are usually too large everywhere else. But I only brought a L in the running tights into the dressing room. I'm well endowed in the rear as well. I pulled on the tights and thought there must be something wrong with the cut of them because they were all baggy across the tops of my thighs. I almost didn't dare to think that maybe they were just too big. But I switched them out, and guess what, a M was the right size. With the proper bra on, and my M running tights and my M top I looked hella cute! I even indulged in a few minutes of flexing muscles in the mirror. I'm down 14.5 lbs now, almost 3 bags of sugar I'm no longer lugging around with me everywhere!

My Aunt and Chase and I headed down to the little expo they had set up to pick up our race packets. This is my first race that included schwag. AND I'll get a chip in the morning! Chase will be running in the kids races after the 10k is done so we both got numbers. We had a good laugh when we pulled them out of the envelope. I'm number 13. He's number 1. Running this race, here in St. Pete where so much of my childhood and college years were spent, with my son, and without my husband, feels momentous. Our "random" numbers seem to reflect that. I'll wear my 13 proudly and make it lucky. And of course my son IS number 1.

Finding my way

Ok, I know the crossroads image is cheezy. But whacha gonna do? Its accurate! Things are going pretty well all things considered. I'm energized and exhausted by my new circumstances, all at the same time. Literally speaking I'm not sleeping much but that is improving each night. At the same time I'm wound up and hyper during the day, even while I'm yawning. I'm looking forward to my 10K race on Saturday to help smooth me out. Bring the adrenalin I've been carrying to a head at the starting line and just run it out over the course of the race. Then spend some time on the beach with my son. Let the surf and the sand work their magic on my agitation.

I did bootcamp Monday, but missed it Tuesday. I'll make it tomorrow but then we'll be leaving to drive to Florida after work so I'll miss it on Friday. I'm ok though, I've got the race, and then next week my son will be with his dad the first part of the week so I'll get to go at least 3 times then. I'm just not going to beat myself up about it right now. I feel a confidence in the permanence of fitness in my life now.

I'm jumping into dating pretty quickly. I know some folks will feel awkward about that but it is something that just feels right for me right now. My husband and I have both been lonely with each other for a long time. And I've been processing the separation for quite a while although a lot of people are only finding out now. I will not subject any dates I have to being scrutinized in this forum (except maybe the really bad ones, with names and details changed of course!). I'm excited about meeting new people and embracing the adventurous spirit that I shelved for a long time. And I was the one who did the shelving. It wasn't my marriage per se as much as it was my expectations of marriage and of what box I thought I had to force us into to fit those expectations. Letting go of all that I feel like I'm in tune with myself for the first time in years. I'm looking forward to this road trip with my son. Truth be told I'd really like to hang my head out the window and let my ears flap in the wind!

I also hope to take some time to catch up on other people's blogs, I've been extremely self focused for the past month or so . . . its time to look up from my own footsteps again.

Full Disclosure

No more secrets. Now that my son knows I can let everyone else know. My husband and I are separating after 11 years of marriage. We still care for and respect each other, and because of that I won't be using this venue to dissect the relationship and its demise. Just suffice to say that there was no deceit involved, nothing so simple as that. I'm on a roller coaster emotionally, ranging from total despair to relief and occasionally veering into hope.

He will remain extremely involved with our son and we will continue to support each other in our endeavors as we get used to the separation and the boundaries that arise from that. I have had good role models for this in my own parents and for that I am so grateful. Talking to our son last night and dealing with his pain was the hardest thing either of us have ever done but we did that together and we will continue to be a team where Chase is concerned. I wish Clint the best and truly hope he finds his passion.

The past 6-8 weeks have been very difficult though. I can't even imagine what a mess I'd be if I hadn't had boot camp in my life. And the circle of friends and family that I've opened this door for over the past month have been so amazing. Thank you guys. I'm realizing more than ever that any isolation I've felt in the past has been self-imposed. You guys really do have my back.

In other news, I ran 7 miles this morning with nothing more to show from it than a fresh blister. Again, other than general soreness from fatigue it was a painless run. AMAZING. I'm astounded at my body every day.

Clint moves out tomorrow. I'll be figuring out the logistics for my new life over the next few months. I'm delighted to find that I am feeling some exhileration at the lure of the unknown. Anything is possible, and that feels good.

Here we go . . .

Most all of my favorite bloggers are doing posts about the end of 2007 and the rise of 2008. Last year I was wholly resistant to any sort of resolutions, I had a lifetime of failed ones behind me and it just seemed cruel to heap what was sure to be more failures upon my own head. Perhaps a committment to not setting myself up for failure WAS a victory of sorts for me. The endless cycle of failing to meet my own goals and then hating myself for it was crippling me. And it wasn't that I didn't know how to break my goals into baby steps, I did. But I would still talk myself into believing that they weren't important, that I didn't deserve them, and that none of it really mattered. And then the year would wear on and I'd internalize how worthless I was for abandoning goals which, objectively speaking, would have been good for me.

My resolutions were always centered on what I SHOULD be doing. Because I didn't think I could be happy until I was the person that I SHOULD be. A thin person. A fit person. An organized person who just straightens up and puts away and doesn't suffer from CHAOS (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome - www.flylady.net). Someone who irons her clothes and NEVER NEVER fishes out something from the dirty clothes pile to wear if it doesn't smell. Someone who sends out Christmas cards and remembers birthdays with thoughtful homemade gifts. Someone who decorates appropriately and charmingly for each holiday. Someone who keeps frozen casseroles on hand for other people's tragedies. Someone who NEVER NEVER suggests a shorter book for her son to read at bedtime so that she can get back to the couch and mindless tv faster. Someone who reads for enlightenment and remembers to pray at the appointed times. Someone who doesn't go through the motions ever but always does things with intention and feeling and gratitude. Someone who loves her family unconditionally, even when they drive her mad, and shows her love and patience no matter what. Someone who doesn't get snarky and gossippy about other peoples misfortunes just because it makes herself feel a bit better knowing that other people struggle too. Because someone not at all like that doesn't DESERVE happiness. It's like in college when there was this REALLY REALLY cool class on the schedule and the description just embodied everything you were interested in and excited about but you couldn't take it without 15 horrible prerequisites or the special permission of the instructor.

So, here goes. I hereby give myself special permission. F*&K the prerequisites.

For 2008 I will laugh more. I will cry more. I'll wallow in chocolate fondue every now and then. I will try new restaurants. I will go dancing. I will make it to the finish line on March 30. I will make it to more movies and I will argue with my friends about them over coffee. I will buy myself some cute new clothes (actually, got a jump start on that yesterday). I will walk into more job interviews knowing that they'd be damn lucky to have me. I will plan my next tattoo just because I enjoy them. I will play more. I will focus on ridiculousness. I will not assume that my son's future is doomed and that I'm a terrible mother if he talks back to me. I will treat myself as I treat others. With tolerance and forgiveness. When I fail to do that, I will try again. I will live like the badass that I am.

Daddy's Girl

Today was Bring a Friend day, or, in my world, Bring My Daddy Day. The workout we did was called “Hook & Ladder” and with the formidable Brock leading it I felt kinda like I was fighting a 5 alarm fire. Run there! Quick! Turn around! Kick the curb! Jumping Jacks! Pushups! Now run there! FASTER FASTER! Now hop through the ladder! Quick now run over there! And do a wall sit for like EVAR! And a day!

WHEW! I told Dad that Bring a Friend day was usually a bit lighter. Afterwards I told him that I didn’t mean to lie to him. He was very good natured about it. Even said he wished he could sign up but he lives like an hour away. So there you have it Operation Bootcamp. Sell a franchise in or south of McDonough and he will come!

Dad totally rocked it. He was a fantastic sport about everything, not even balking at being asked to Karoke (it’s a grapevine like dance step) WITH jazz hands or being asked to skip or being asked to just run. A lot. He jumped into everything full tilt.

I’m a Daddy’s girl. My Dad has always been supportive of EVERYTHING I’ve tried or expressed an interest in. But I’ve always enjoyed at least trying to develop an interest or ability in the kinds of things he likes because it was just fun to hang out with him in his element. It started with model rockets. Then there were model other things. Air shows. Car racing (Dad drove the number 0 Karmengia while I screamed my head off from the pit). Motorcycle riding (FASTER DADDY FASTER). On roads AND off roads. Glider piloting. Parachuting (watching as a child, then trying it as an adult). Scuba diving. Go-Kart Racing (40 mph is FREAKING fast when you’re only an inch off the ground!). My Dad has opened the door to all of those experiences for me. I learned very early on that life is a big buffet and if you stick to what you know you’ll have a very boring meal.

But despite learning that early on, I lost sight of the fact that having an unhealthy body makes it difficult to get to the table, or carry your plate, or something. (ok maybe this metaphor isn’t holding up too well) but you get the idea. You start thinking that it was a good thing you did all those things when you were younger because it seems like you’re just headed downhill from there. And basically you get totally wrapped up in responsible life goals like finishing your education and getting your career off to a good start and buying a house and renovating a house and then you tick all those things off your list and you realize that now you’re basically waiting for death. Ok that sounds melodramatic but at times that’s how I was feeling. Just a few months ago.

So today, I got to invite Dad into my pre-dawn world. And I think I impressed the hell out of him. Which feels AWESOME. Because I know my Dad is already very proud of me for all the things I’ve done in my life, including accomplishing those responsible life goals. But this was special. I let him see that, for me, a whole lot of life that I had decided was just inaccessible is spread out before me again.