Unmoored

(Art by Nichola Moss)

I'm not lost, but I definitely feel unmoored. And I have a hunch that is ok. I have lines I can throw to a dock if and when I decide to set foot ashore again. It's not all drifting in bliss of course, being unmoored means being susceptible to storms, high seas and monsters of the deep. Terror and exhilaration are once again intertwined. And in the midst of the two I find myself acutely aware of minutia. An impossibly long eyelash resting on my son's cheek. The sheen of a taut and new apple. Dust in the sunshine. The sensation of being enveloped by steam in the shower. Cloth against skin. The texture of strawberries. The space between breaths.

I feel in touch with it all, my senses awash with the connectedness. Minutes take days.

There have been dark clouds, lightning flashes, crashes of thunder. I was naive to think I could avoid them. I am suddenly aware of the depths beneath me. But turning back to shore doesn't feel right. For better or worse I'm unmoored NOW. And now is really all I can focus on for the moment.

The days do pass though, and things happen in each one. For instance, I have a new job. Another one that I had not interviewed with before called and invited me in on a Wednesday morning. That very night they called and offered me a great position doing what I want to be doing. I gave my notice the next day, my last day is Thursday, February 28. My first day isn't until March 10. I'm going to enjoy some more of these long long minutes in between.

I managed 12 miles yesterday. I say managed because I didn't run all of them, I did 5 minute 1 minute run/walk intervals. With a couple of extra walking bits on two truly brutal hills (West on McLendon towards Little 5 Points and up N. Highland through Old Fourth Ward towards downtown). I had fallen very far off the wagon in the two weeks previous, so far that all I could see of it was a dust cloud in the distance. I managed a couple of mornings of Tae-Bo videos but that was all. Very unfocused. Still, I did the 12 miles, in a not totally unrespectable time (2:39). A sub 3 hour half is still attainable. I wore my ipod for the first time during a run because I was alone for all of it. I actually enjoyed it, it was really reflective, I have a lot of bluesy and soulful stuff on my ipod at the moment and it all fit. Running through classic Atlanta neighborhoods, many of them scenes out of my life, and just BEING in my own skin. I finally found a glorious downhill at the end turning right off Glen Iris onto Ralph McGill with my car off in the distance just as Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield came on. That song, top 40 and all, is totally my mantra at the moment, I couldn't believe the timing. I flew down the hill, my soul fluttering in the brisk wind. And to top it all off I think one of my toenails is dying! I can't tell if its turning black or not because of the nail polish but it totally feels kind of loose and dead. How cool is that? Jennifer Daniels has a song where she talks about scars being the tattoos that God designs for people to remind them of significant moments. I think that is so true, and that is definitely what my tattoos mean for me. Its also why I like scars and quirky injuries so much, seeing wounds like that transports you instantly to the moment you received them. In my case each one feels like I've earned something through the pain.

Finally, the house will officially be listed tomorrow. It is all pristine at the moment, ready for the first wave of potential buyers. As right as I know letting go of the house IS, I know I will cry at the closing table. And then I'll go to wherever my new home is and I'll appreciate some more of those long minutes. I'm learning, finally, how little I really need to be happy.

Beating the hell out of the number 9

How NOT to handle your longest long run yet:
1. Spend the entire prior week working AND going out with friends, with moderate but steady alcohol intake and limited sleep throughout.
2. The night before, go to a party at a pub and add more alcohol into the mix, along with a healthy serving of MEAT (even though there WAS pasta on the menu).
3. Stay at said party until almost 2 a.m. telling yourself that it is rare to have the opportunity to share time engaging in thoughtful and probing conversation about a variety of scintillating topics with good friends.
4. Actually stay because you are engrossed in a drunken bout of "I Never".
5. Don't lay out what you need the night before so that you can run about cursing and stubbing your toes in the morning and then drive like a bat out of hell to get from Decatur to Piedmont Park by 8:30 am (who the heck ARE all those other people out at that hour on a Saturday????)
6. Realize as you get into the car that you haven't fueled yourself. Inhale a protein/energy bar and a lot of water and gatorade in a short span of time so that you feel bloated and like you have to pee just as you start running.
7. Feel enormously relieved as you spot the group still standing around but then realize that you can't turn and park because you are stuck at the light and panic that they will leave without you. (Even though really, even when you get there on time, most of the pack leaves without you anyway!) Honk and wave like a maniac until someone who knows you makes eye contact in the hopes that they will feel too guilty to leave without you.
8. Sprint from the distant parking spot you found to the group, arrive completely out of breath, convinced you can HEAR your body saying . . . "Oh goody, that was quick, back to bed now right?"
9. Stand around in a daze, A) not believing that you made it given that you left the house at 8:20 and B) wondering what the hell you are doing there in the first place.
10. Fail to actually look at the route that was emailed a few days ago, much less print out a copy. Take a copy from a good friend just before the run starts but then hold it in the same hand as a leaky bottle of red gatorade so that the map gets soaked with red gatorade and all the street names become too fuzzy to read.
11. Get separated from everyone else who knows where they are going before realizing that the street names have been reduced to little hairy caterpillars.
12. Figure it out anyway and thank God for the kick ass sense of direction with which you were apparently blessed.
13. Realize afterwards that had you planned your morning better you'd have been wearing the right socks and you'd have found your missing body glide and you wouldn't be sporting a blood blister that covers most of the bottom of your right arch.
14. Gross out friends, family and neighbors by showing off said monster blister because you actually feel really really proud of it, the trophy from the battle field.

And there you have it. At the end of all that, I looked myself in the eye and realized that even half of even one of those many obstacles that threatened to thwart this run would have stopped me in my tracks just few months ago. Well, that is, assuming it wouldn't have just been science fiction for me to be attempting such a thing in the first place. But had I tried such a thing back then, I would have welcomed each excuse with open arms. I would have invited each one back to my place, and settled them in around me on the couch. Excuses used to be my decorative pillows. Each one was embroidered with its version of the truth. "She's just not built for running." "She has asthma you know" "Her back is weak" "High impact activities are bad for her joints." "She's busy enough with work and family, she just doesn't have time to devote to fitness."

But this is not a few months ago. Oh I still lounge amongst those pillows from time to time, I'd be foolish to think I've left them behind forever. But now that I've discovered what I've been missing outside for all these years (and I get sad if I let myself think about how MANY years) those pillows will never have the hold on me they once did.

Yes, on Saturday I beat the hell out of my 9.38 mile run. Under some less than ideal conditions. I did a few things differently which really helped on this run. I did use gatorade and water, instead of just water. I also took cliff blocks with me. They are like large gummy cubes that you can chew or just hold in your cheek. They're made of easily digestible carbs for fueling on distance runs. This was the first distance I really felt they were warranted, now that I've tried them I really wish I'd used them on my 10K last week. Seriously, they were like rocket fuel on me. Or maybe it was a total placebo effect but either way I sure felt like I could run faster about a mile after taking them! My times seemed to prove it. Other than one tough hill in the 8th mile I was maintaining faster paces during the second half of the course than I was the first. My overall average pace was 12:28, almost 30 seconds per mile faster than my 10K race pace last week, even though this was 15K! The last time I ran with the group and did 7 miles it took me 1 hour, 31 minutes and change. This time I hit the 7 mile mark at 1 hour 25 minutes and change! Other than the blister I felt fine at the end and could have kept going. Except I was at the end and I know the risk of overtraining injuries becomes scarier the closer we get to race day. But I felt awesome and unbeatable on this 9 mile Saturday.

Full Disclosure

No more secrets. Now that my son knows I can let everyone else know. My husband and I are separating after 11 years of marriage. We still care for and respect each other, and because of that I won't be using this venue to dissect the relationship and its demise. Just suffice to say that there was no deceit involved, nothing so simple as that. I'm on a roller coaster emotionally, ranging from total despair to relief and occasionally veering into hope.

He will remain extremely involved with our son and we will continue to support each other in our endeavors as we get used to the separation and the boundaries that arise from that. I have had good role models for this in my own parents and for that I am so grateful. Talking to our son last night and dealing with his pain was the hardest thing either of us have ever done but we did that together and we will continue to be a team where Chase is concerned. I wish Clint the best and truly hope he finds his passion.

The past 6-8 weeks have been very difficult though. I can't even imagine what a mess I'd be if I hadn't had boot camp in my life. And the circle of friends and family that I've opened this door for over the past month have been so amazing. Thank you guys. I'm realizing more than ever that any isolation I've felt in the past has been self-imposed. You guys really do have my back.

In other news, I ran 7 miles this morning with nothing more to show from it than a fresh blister. Again, other than general soreness from fatigue it was a painless run. AMAZING. I'm astounded at my body every day.

Clint moves out tomorrow. I'll be figuring out the logistics for my new life over the next few months. I'm delighted to find that I am feeling some exhileration at the lure of the unknown. Anything is possible, and that feels good.

Radominity

The image is a 2D model of something called a "Random Walk", apparently it is a mathematical theory which says that past stock performance is NOT predictive of future stock performance. For me, right now, I find that soothing.

So, I've been gone from the blog for a while. As I have hinted in the past, there are some heavy things happening in my life right now. I'm starting to share with folks in my life but, for reasons which will be clear later, I can't be completely open with it yet. And because the nature of these issues are sort of all consuming, it is hard to blog without ever mentioning it. So I've been just avoiding this place lately, which is hard because it is my nature to wear my heart on my sleeve. And there hasn't been any bootcamp for the past two weeks so I haven't had an automatic feed of other material to talk about. In fact, until yesterday, I went an entire week with no exercise at ALL. After my 5 mile run on the 29th I committed myself to sitting on my ass until Operation Boot Camp's saturday training run lured me off the couch yesterday. Actually, I can say that I INTENTIONALLY took a recovery week but that wouldn't be true. I kept meaning to get up. And it kept not happening. Thank God for my OBC friends. Maybe someday I'll be totally self-motivated in this whole fitness arena, but for now knowing that they'll worry if I don't show up is sometimes all that gets me there.

But I also learned that recovery may not be a bad thing. I took 4 days off after Thanksgiving and when I ran 2 miles afterwards it was HARD. So I got it in my head that I can't take time off without making everything harder. I honestly think now that those 4 days just weren't enough then. I've been pushing myself really hard since September 10. I was really nervous that I'd totally fall apart trying to run 6 miles this Saturday after doing nothing for a week. But lo and behold, I had a great run! On the HILLIEST course I've ever encountered. I even beat my 5 mile time from the previous week by 2 minutes with MUCH tougher hills. And, other than muscle fatigue, I think this was the first run I've ever had with NO PAIN at all. My shins didn't hurt, my calves didn't hurt, my knees didn't even hurt. Now I think I understand what tapering is all about!

Bootcamp IV starts tomorrow but I'm typing this from a hotel lobby in Milledgeville, GA so I won't make it. I'm thinking about trying to do it on my own but I'm not super comfortable running by myself before dark in a strange area so I might have to try out the treadmill they have here.

Some Random thoughts:

Snot gloves rock. I've since learned that these are not news, but when I found my Under Armor running gloves at REI after Christmas and read on the tag that the fleece patches on the back of the thumb and index finger were specifically for wiping your nose I was convinced they had been designed specifically for me! What a great idea!!!!

Target has stopped carrying my jog bra. Although I've realized I really should get something more heavy duty these bras were awesome, and great for wearing under regular clothes too. AND only $9.99 to boot! So Target discontinued them. ARGH.

Kroger has stopped carrying my favorite protein bars. Is this a freaking conspiracy????

I was shaving my legs in the shower last week and as I ran my hand up the front of my shin I got a fright. There was this wierd lump that ran up the front of my shin when I had my foot flexed. I checked the other leg too. WIERD. Yeah, I finally figured it out. I have KICK ASS SHIN MUSCLES! Now I can't stop flexing my lower legs to admire and caress my shin and calf muscles. Narcissitic I know, but I've NEVER had muscles pop there like they're popping now!

As I said, my 6 mile run yesterday ROCKED. I was DFL as usual but it was such a good run I didn't care. I started out WAY too fast, talking (well mostly listening) to my buddy Doug and keeping up with him on the mostly downhill first mile. Then I realized I was running at a sub 11 minute pace and that I was gonna be in trouble if I didn't back off. It was wierd, the first mile was SO easy that I didn't feel like I had to work at all until into the second mile. For Atlantans the course included the big hill by the hospital on Clairemont AND the length of N. Superior Ave. (which is like being transported to San Francisco). The elevation chart on this court was a little nutty. Jojo joined me from about 2.5 miles on and kept me entertained the rest of the way. I took right at 1 hour 16 minutes for my 6 miles, which MIGHT translate into a sub 3 hour half marathon come March. I've been tickled ever since. Later yesterday we had to go to a friend's house for a housewarming over in West End. We live on the opposite side of town but not a great distance. Google said it was an 11 mile trip. I chuckled, their house seems so far because the city is between us but I had run over half the distance on my own two feet! I realize that jogging down I-20 probably isn't wise but 11 miles no longer seems scary. I'm reading Slow, Fat Triathlete right now (which I recommend) and the author talks about sneaking up on long distances. Don't start out thinking about 13 miles or 26 miles. Just think about one mile further than what you've run before. A mile always seems attainable.

So, anyway, I'll be more connected this week now that bootcamp is back on. And I'll be sharing more as it becomes appropriate. Thanks as always for all of your encouraging comments, they really do mean so much even when I'm not good about returning the favor.

Brought to you by the Number 5!

I didn't run yesterday (Friday). And I didn't get up in time to make it to the start of the 5 mile group run organized by bootcamp. It was too warm for my liking, about 98% humidity and I wasn't feeling it this morning, not even one little bit. But I just switched myself to "RUN" mode and did my best to alternatively ignore and silence the nagging little voice that kept telling me that maybe I'm just a 5K kinda girl and that a half marathon wouldn't be THAT cool to finish. I took a LONG time to get ready to head out the door which was my only concession to the voice's constant droning. I took my 4 mile route from home and modified it to make it a 5.3 mile loop. I finally got out the door and on my way. SLOWLY and HEAVILY and with a lot of unnecessary whining from that same voice through the first mile. It was not an easy run, but it was doable, into the second mile I realized that I would finish 5 miles and would walk the last .3 to cool down and stretch my legs. It would take me awhile but my conviction that it was definitely doable finally shut up the inner whiner.

Truth be told, even though I did do the Stone Mountain loop several weeks ago according to mapmyrun it was just about 4.8 so now I can honestly say, based on my frighteningly accurate new Garmin, that I have now really really run 5 miles. The last mile was a bit torturous but once you get past halfway it just seems tragic to stop so I just kept setting goals up ahead and then when I'd reach them I'd glance at the Garmin and see how much further I had to go. Just .8, just .45, just .3, just .22, just .15 etc. By the end I was checking when I passed every other mailbox. My breathing was fine, but my legs were DONE and I started walking as soon as that magic number 5 appeared.

The walking was DELICIOUS. My legs almost felt like they were purring as I slowly and languidly stretched them forward in long graceful strides. I think I'll try and build a little walking cool down into the end of my runs from now on.

I'm continuing to drop pounds, down by 12 now. Wearing a pair of denim crop pants that used to give me MAJOR muffin top but which now feel almost roomy. Take THAT Holiday Bulge. Really, I've been eating small quantities I guess, but I haven't been censoring what I eat. I've had my fair share of chocolate, I've been drinking moderately, I haven't been eating my veggies and I've been really having to work to get protein in with all the sugar and starch lying around the kitchen.
MMMMM, that reminds me, the pumpkin pie (with rum) is calling . . . .

The Loop

Hit the loop at just after 6:30 am and ran through the sunrise. We talked about coming even earlier sometime, running the loop and then climbing the mountain in time for the sunrise. Apparently the park actually opens at 5:00 am for "Our Runners" as the gate attendant proudly told us. And sure enough there were clearly quite a few runners and walkers who had already been there a while. The loop was well lit and the Christmas lights along parts of it, the giant lit tree on top of the mountain, and the approaching dawn kept the atmosphere picturesque and atmospheric but never dark. The police circled the loop periodically as well and I felt very safe, now I know that I can do it alone, even early, if I need to.

Today I didn't need to though, because the Intrepid Katy was again by my side, despite the fact that she was due to skate in the Children's Healthcare Christmas Parade later in the morning. She and her dog were great company.

The hills were present as promised but I had been prepared for more than there were and, given the routes I've run around Candler Park and my neighborhood they really weren't a problem. We ran the whole way, and my shins did GREAT. The SuperFeet really seem to be working as promised, although I did get some nice blisters which I'm trusting will heal and not be repeated as I break the insoles in.

So far increasing the mileage is going smoothly. Next week is the Madison Christmas Rush 8K (another 5 miles) and then I'll be building up to 8 miles just before the 10K I plan to run MLK weekend. A half marathon is a little less than three times around Stone Mountain. I've got a way to go but the first loop went a lot smoother than I expected. For muscles that were so sorely neglected for most of their life, they are suprisingly forgiving and willing to step up and exceed my expectations now. The body is truly an amazing thing.

Oh yeah, one more thing, it took us right at an hour, so we were averaging about 12 minutes per mile, since I know we were much slower on some of the longer hills I feel great about that. I'll be very pleased with any time under 3 hours on my first Half, so far I seem to be on target!