Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Paper Trails

Ok, bear with me. I was cleaning out a folder and discovered this post I'd written some time ago in response to Kate Harding's post "The Fantasy of Being Thin." I think it was actually part of my Supa-Fly post but I had the feeling that post was already too long and so I cut this out and set it aside for another day. I then forgot all about it and stumbled on it today. A day where I happen to be suffering a full scale attack of Imposter Syndrome. I always think blogging is about being accountable to yourself by being accountable to others. But sometimes its just about reminding yourself that the worst days are NOT the only days. And they don't have to define you, even when there are a WHOLE LOT of them in a row. So here ya' go. And here I go. Cause I needed this today.

I have done this to myself so many times. For years I considered myself too fat to do anything TOO strenuous, which is why all my workout routines were focused on “easing into it”, “not overdoing it” and just hitting that minimum. As I’ve mentioned before, I don’t know how or why my brain short circuited and failed to follow that logic when I started bootcamp but it took sort of jumping into the deep end of fitness to realize that I WASN’T too fat to be fit. And realizing that, my running goals have quickly become so much more important to me than my weight goals. And now, all of a sudden, I’m having crazy thoughts about cooking, and making major changes that will make me happier, and maybe even conquering my fear of bicycles. It’s frightening to stop resisting and go ahead and BECOME yourself, instead of just waiting for a magic process to make you thin and thereby bring you fulfillment in every facet of your life. Being too fat was never really the problem. The problem was my obsession with watching other people who fit my ideals of who I wanted to be (including being thin and athletic) and then berating myself for not being THEM. And when I tried to be like those people, I berated myself for being an IMPOSTER. Because I was really “fat” (even if I hid some of it in clever clothing choices), and lazy, and needy (even when I tried really really hard to prove to everyone that I wasn’t) and not at all capable or loveable or worthy. If everyone who THOUGHT they liked me REALLY knew me, then they’d realize what I faker I was.

I can’t fake bootcamp. I can’t fake running. If I can have a workout like I had this morning, then I’m reasonably fit. If I can run 4 miles, then I am a runner. And even I can’t tell myself I’m just an imposter. So maybe its time to watch myself for a change, and figure out what I’m like. Because I’m beginning to think that MAYBE I just might be a kinda cool chick who is overweight, and cute, sometimes sexy, sometimes industrious and sometimes lazy, and usually needy but occasionally skillful in knowing when to express that, and somewhat capable and loveable and worthy of living and experiencing as much as she desires from life.

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