Chaotic

It's been a crazy week in so many ways, I have so much to blog about but haven't gotten 15 minutes to do it yet. So, in case anyone is worried, I'm ok. Wrestling with some more major decisions, rediscovering an active social life, trying to manage a household by myself for the first time with limited success and trying to not completely fall off the workout wagon. I made it to bootcamp Tuesday and Thursday and sort of Wednesday. I got there a couple of minutes late Wednesday and couldn't find them so I did a short run (almost 2 miles) and then did bootcamp exercises on my own until they came back to the meeting place. It was good to know that I can do it alone, but I also know that I didn't work nearly as hard as I would in the group. Thursday my right knee flared up again, loudly. It had been doing so well I stopped doing my routine to care for it. Yeah I know, it sounds stupid when I say it or write it too! So I couldn't really run on Thursday at camp and I had to do modifications for some of the other leg exercises too. I'm doing a recovery day today in the hopes that I can still do the 9 mile long run the training group has scheduled for tomorrow. I really think I need to incorporate some run/walk intervals now. Especially if I don't want to mess up this knee further.

I have lots more to write, my head is FULL of stuff that needs to be expressed here but I have to go to get my son from school. Planning a relatively quiet weekend so I should be able to put this back at the top of my priority list. I miss it!

Two months . . .

St. Pete Beach Classic 2008 Race Report.
In just over two months I'll be running more than twice this distance . . . I am feeling a bit daunted I must admit. I finished my first 10K this weekend and for some reason I had to fight for every step. Afterwards I felt nearly crippled for the rest of the day. Turns out that a flat course is REALLY boring and the lack of downhills was kinda soul killing in a way. It just felt so LOOOONNNG. The weather (about 68 and REALLY foggy) seemed to be dampening everyone's spirits. When I first arrived the back of the pack 5K finishers were coming in and there was a lot of cheering for them which got me all excited and choked up at the same time. They even had someone announcing people's names and their home towns as they came around the corner into the finish chute. I picked up my chip and got it attached to my shoe without difficulty. There were more than enough porta potties so I could time my last visit just like I wanted without being hampered by lines. I felt great at the start!

Once we got going though the flatness was just SO dull. Most of the folks I was pacing with were wearing headphones and the volunteer enthusiasm seemed dampened by the weather. With few exceptions there just wasn't much spectating or cheering going on. So mentally all those factors made for a very LONG race.

My chip time was 1:15:59. A few weeks ago I did 5.92 miles in 1:16. This was 6.2 miles so it was a bit faster but not by as much as I expected. I was worried about hydration because I felt so hot and there were lots of water stations. I felt compelled to take some at each station. I tried to emulate the Ironman runners I watched on TV a few weeks ago but apparently running, drinking out of a paper cup and breathing at the same time is a skill that is currently beyond my ability level. So I ended up walking through each water stop.

The course required that you run back by the finish line (which was the 5 mile mark) and then overshoot it and continue down Gulf Blvd. to a turnaround. I was actually mentally ok with the overshoot, I was just so happy to know that I only had a mile left to go! So I tried to finish with a flourish, we'll see how I did when the professional photos go up.

Chase ran in the Kids Dash and came in 3rd in his age group and got a medal. He was so thrilled. He also thought it was hilarious that he came in third and I came in 444th! (Hey, I was actually 31st out of 34 in my age group though!)

After napping on my Aunt's couch and waiting for the fog to burn off some Chase and I returned to the beach but went to my old favorite from my college days, Pass-a-Grille Beach. I indulged in some conch fritters at the Hurricane and then we played in the wet and windy sand and walked on the beach looking for stuff. Chase was in a magical place, just free and happy, literally dancing through his day. I've been so focused on the release of tension that I've felt with the separation, but on this weekend I really became aware of how much tension seems to have left Chase now as well. I haven't seen him this happy in a long time.

Going with it

I've been swimming like hell for a long time. Fighting currents and struggling to get breaths of sweet air in the rapids. So I find myself floating more now. Just riding the water. Not focused on dictating my direction anymore. Exhileration. Fear. The line between the two is transparent.

I'm writing from my Aunt's house in St. Petersburg. Drove down Thursday evening and this morning, spending the night at Exit 5, just before the Florida line. Chase is with me and it has been delicious to have this time with him, singing in the car, bouncing on the bed in the hotel, goofing off. His resilience is strong.

I'm sad that I didn't go to bootcamp again this week after Monday. This morning I was out of town obviously, but Tuesday and Thursday were missed primarily because I just couldn't / wouldn't sleep and I sort of allowed the logistics of organizing those mornings just slip away from me. Intellectually I know that I shouldn't beat myself up over it. I should start fresh next week, accept that I'm not perfect, accept that I should allow myself to be in a strange place this first week of separation. But in my heart I feel sad about it.

I'm nervous and excited about the 10K tomorrow. I stopped at Phiddipedes on Thursday afternoon and was able to find two Moving Comfort Jog Bras (I got one Maia style and one Fiona). When I tried them on I couldn't believe the difference. I'm so excited to run with a REAL bra supporting me tomorrow! And I indulged in a shorter pair of running tights and couple of new tops while I was there. I picked the tops off the racks in size M. Although I'm well endowed I don't mind showing it off and the rest of my upper body frame is petite so larges are usually too large everywhere else. But I only brought a L in the running tights into the dressing room. I'm well endowed in the rear as well. I pulled on the tights and thought there must be something wrong with the cut of them because they were all baggy across the tops of my thighs. I almost didn't dare to think that maybe they were just too big. But I switched them out, and guess what, a M was the right size. With the proper bra on, and my M running tights and my M top I looked hella cute! I even indulged in a few minutes of flexing muscles in the mirror. I'm down 14.5 lbs now, almost 3 bags of sugar I'm no longer lugging around with me everywhere!

My Aunt and Chase and I headed down to the little expo they had set up to pick up our race packets. This is my first race that included schwag. AND I'll get a chip in the morning! Chase will be running in the kids races after the 10k is done so we both got numbers. We had a good laugh when we pulled them out of the envelope. I'm number 13. He's number 1. Running this race, here in St. Pete where so much of my childhood and college years were spent, with my son, and without my husband, feels momentous. Our "random" numbers seem to reflect that. I'll wear my 13 proudly and make it lucky. And of course my son IS number 1.

Finding my way

Ok, I know the crossroads image is cheezy. But whacha gonna do? Its accurate! Things are going pretty well all things considered. I'm energized and exhausted by my new circumstances, all at the same time. Literally speaking I'm not sleeping much but that is improving each night. At the same time I'm wound up and hyper during the day, even while I'm yawning. I'm looking forward to my 10K race on Saturday to help smooth me out. Bring the adrenalin I've been carrying to a head at the starting line and just run it out over the course of the race. Then spend some time on the beach with my son. Let the surf and the sand work their magic on my agitation.

I did bootcamp Monday, but missed it Tuesday. I'll make it tomorrow but then we'll be leaving to drive to Florida after work so I'll miss it on Friday. I'm ok though, I've got the race, and then next week my son will be with his dad the first part of the week so I'll get to go at least 3 times then. I'm just not going to beat myself up about it right now. I feel a confidence in the permanence of fitness in my life now.

I'm jumping into dating pretty quickly. I know some folks will feel awkward about that but it is something that just feels right for me right now. My husband and I have both been lonely with each other for a long time. And I've been processing the separation for quite a while although a lot of people are only finding out now. I will not subject any dates I have to being scrutinized in this forum (except maybe the really bad ones, with names and details changed of course!). I'm excited about meeting new people and embracing the adventurous spirit that I shelved for a long time. And I was the one who did the shelving. It wasn't my marriage per se as much as it was my expectations of marriage and of what box I thought I had to force us into to fit those expectations. Letting go of all that I feel like I'm in tune with myself for the first time in years. I'm looking forward to this road trip with my son. Truth be told I'd really like to hang my head out the window and let my ears flap in the wind!

I also hope to take some time to catch up on other people's blogs, I've been extremely self focused for the past month or so . . . its time to look up from my own footsteps again.

Full Disclosure

No more secrets. Now that my son knows I can let everyone else know. My husband and I are separating after 11 years of marriage. We still care for and respect each other, and because of that I won't be using this venue to dissect the relationship and its demise. Just suffice to say that there was no deceit involved, nothing so simple as that. I'm on a roller coaster emotionally, ranging from total despair to relief and occasionally veering into hope.

He will remain extremely involved with our son and we will continue to support each other in our endeavors as we get used to the separation and the boundaries that arise from that. I have had good role models for this in my own parents and for that I am so grateful. Talking to our son last night and dealing with his pain was the hardest thing either of us have ever done but we did that together and we will continue to be a team where Chase is concerned. I wish Clint the best and truly hope he finds his passion.

The past 6-8 weeks have been very difficult though. I can't even imagine what a mess I'd be if I hadn't had boot camp in my life. And the circle of friends and family that I've opened this door for over the past month have been so amazing. Thank you guys. I'm realizing more than ever that any isolation I've felt in the past has been self-imposed. You guys really do have my back.

In other news, I ran 7 miles this morning with nothing more to show from it than a fresh blister. Again, other than general soreness from fatigue it was a painless run. AMAZING. I'm astounded at my body every day.

Clint moves out tomorrow. I'll be figuring out the logistics for my new life over the next few months. I'm delighted to find that I am feeling some exhileration at the lure of the unknown. Anything is possible, and that feels good.

The CNN Story

Just a quick post to give the link to the article and video CNN did on my instructor Tim. Get ready to be inspired! And I'm the one wearing the really really really bright top! :-)

CLICK HERE

Vanity - THE MOTIVATOR

Alright folks, its time to set your tivos for Friday morning during the 8 am hour! CNN joined us this morning to film bootcamp as part of a segment they are doing on Instructor Tim and the changes he has made in his life. He has gone from a 330ish lb sedentary guy to a bootcamp instructor and part owner of the Decatur operation. He also runs marathons. And he totally kicks ass and was a big part of why and how I made it through the first two weeks of my first camp when my body was reeling and rebelling against the new regime I was imposing upon it. So we had a great energetic group show up this morning (it was technically a homework day in the regular schedule) with campers from Candler and from other parks around town. Jeff and Heidi came too and it's been quite awhile since Jeff has seen me so it was great to see his reactions to the changes in my body.

I pushed myself this morning harder than I have in a while. It seemed like every time I looked up the camera man was right on me with his big light (it was still pre-dawn of course)and I really didn't want to be caught slacking. Jeff and Heidi's presence also contributed. I love showing them how far I've come. I STILL haven't invested in a better jog bra and I was really regretting it when I sprinted around the corner to confront the camera with my boobs deciding that they were just going to take leave of my bra altogether (of course I was still covered by my shirt but I'm guessing it looked like I was about to give myself a black eye). It is fitting more loosely now and just not holding everything together so well. They WILL edit that out . . . right??? RIGHT????

In another shout out - just got word that one of my bestest and oldest friends (we met at the bus stop, first day of school in 6th grade) just got drafted to one of the Atlanta Roller Girls Teams!!!!! YAY! I'm so proud of her, she has really been working hard since she started training with them last summer. There is a kick off event January 25 and then the season starts March 08! With the return of American Gladiators and my new passion for Roller Derby I'm finally a sports fan!!!!