Unmoored

(Art by Nichola Moss)

I'm not lost, but I definitely feel unmoored. And I have a hunch that is ok. I have lines I can throw to a dock if and when I decide to set foot ashore again. It's not all drifting in bliss of course, being unmoored means being susceptible to storms, high seas and monsters of the deep. Terror and exhilaration are once again intertwined. And in the midst of the two I find myself acutely aware of minutia. An impossibly long eyelash resting on my son's cheek. The sheen of a taut and new apple. Dust in the sunshine. The sensation of being enveloped by steam in the shower. Cloth against skin. The texture of strawberries. The space between breaths.

I feel in touch with it all, my senses awash with the connectedness. Minutes take days.

There have been dark clouds, lightning flashes, crashes of thunder. I was naive to think I could avoid them. I am suddenly aware of the depths beneath me. But turning back to shore doesn't feel right. For better or worse I'm unmoored NOW. And now is really all I can focus on for the moment.

The days do pass though, and things happen in each one. For instance, I have a new job. Another one that I had not interviewed with before called and invited me in on a Wednesday morning. That very night they called and offered me a great position doing what I want to be doing. I gave my notice the next day, my last day is Thursday, February 28. My first day isn't until March 10. I'm going to enjoy some more of these long long minutes in between.

I managed 12 miles yesterday. I say managed because I didn't run all of them, I did 5 minute 1 minute run/walk intervals. With a couple of extra walking bits on two truly brutal hills (West on McLendon towards Little 5 Points and up N. Highland through Old Fourth Ward towards downtown). I had fallen very far off the wagon in the two weeks previous, so far that all I could see of it was a dust cloud in the distance. I managed a couple of mornings of Tae-Bo videos but that was all. Very unfocused. Still, I did the 12 miles, in a not totally unrespectable time (2:39). A sub 3 hour half is still attainable. I wore my ipod for the first time during a run because I was alone for all of it. I actually enjoyed it, it was really reflective, I have a lot of bluesy and soulful stuff on my ipod at the moment and it all fit. Running through classic Atlanta neighborhoods, many of them scenes out of my life, and just BEING in my own skin. I finally found a glorious downhill at the end turning right off Glen Iris onto Ralph McGill with my car off in the distance just as Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield came on. That song, top 40 and all, is totally my mantra at the moment, I couldn't believe the timing. I flew down the hill, my soul fluttering in the brisk wind. And to top it all off I think one of my toenails is dying! I can't tell if its turning black or not because of the nail polish but it totally feels kind of loose and dead. How cool is that? Jennifer Daniels has a song where she talks about scars being the tattoos that God designs for people to remind them of significant moments. I think that is so true, and that is definitely what my tattoos mean for me. Its also why I like scars and quirky injuries so much, seeing wounds like that transports you instantly to the moment you received them. In my case each one feels like I've earned something through the pain.

Finally, the house will officially be listed tomorrow. It is all pristine at the moment, ready for the first wave of potential buyers. As right as I know letting go of the house IS, I know I will cry at the closing table. And then I'll go to wherever my new home is and I'll appreciate some more of those long minutes. I'm learning, finally, how little I really need to be happy.

Simplicity

You know how angst breeds art? Turns out contentment and peace breeds complacency, at least for me. I'm doing well, therefore I have felt less impetus to write. My running continues to go well, it is more interesting to write about struggles. But for those who keep clamoring that I need to update . . . here goes:

I'm on boot camp hiatus for February. I plan to attend when I can in March but for now Clint is in South Africa on an extended visit and I don't have childcare. Once he's back we will be sharing custody and I'll be able to go to boot camp on mornings Chase is with him. I've also been juggling a lot of other stuff (some challenging, like getting the house ready to sell, some fun like getting to know new friends better) so I must admit that my workout schedule last week was kind of pitiful. I need to find some good cardio to do in my living room, I'm getting really bored with jumping jacks! And I haven't managed to run during the week because I get home with Chase too late to have him go to a friend's house. I'll figure it out.

Two Saturdays ago (ok, it has been a while since I've updated!) the OBC ING training team dropped back to a 5 mile run after our 9 miler the week before. I had such a great run with the 9 miles that I expected the 5 to be easy but it was actually very challenging for some reason. I've really discovered that no matter how many variables I try to influence, some days my body wants to run and some days it doesn't, even when my mind thinks it does! That 5 mile run was like that, slow and heavy and painful. Despite that, yesterday's 10 mile run rocked! The first 8 miles I felt awesome, strong, sure of myself, breathing well. The last two miles got longer and longer but I knew all the way through that I'd get there. It was also a great run because I really circled all of midtown and downtown. I was born and grew up in Atlanta but I'm getting to know the city so much more intimately now, at street level. I was amazed at the number of buildings that I took a good look at yesterday realizing that for all the times I've driven by them I'd never noticed them before. We started on the GA tech campus, headed north, through Atlantic Station, across the 17th St. Bridge, all the way down Peachtree past Underground Atlanta, across on Mitchell, back up Spring past the GA Dome, through Centennial Park, back over to Marietta St. and all the way up back to the Tech Campus. When I was running north through Centennial Park I had a clear view of the Wachovia Building at Atlantic station, which I had run by earlier. It was amazing to have that sense of perspective, it seemed SO FAR away from Centennial Park.

The other thing that was amazing about this run was the solitude. Jojo couldn't run because she's nursing a sore knee. Instructor Michelle checked on me a few times during the first part but I spent 90% of the route by myself (don't worry I had my cell with me). That was two hours in my own head. I was in such a great space mentally that I actually really enjoyed it. I feel like I'm so ready for the challenges and the joy that I know are in my future. I feel more open to the future than I've ever been, and more comfortable with not knowing what it brings. I know that I am strong, I know that I will thrive even in the face of heartache. I know what happiness looks like and I know how to appreciate it, how to allow it to just BE with me. I've finally learned the value of being in the moment. The rhythm of my breathing, of my steps on the pavement, of my heartbeat has quieted my turmoil. I appreciate my lungs. My heart. My entire body has been taken for granted for too long, I'm so connected to my tissues and bones and muscles. Step by running step I am whittling away at the excess that has obscured me, physically, mentally, spiritually. I am me. Nothing more, nothing less. I am me and I run. It is good. And it really is that simple.

Beating the hell out of the number 9

How NOT to handle your longest long run yet:
1. Spend the entire prior week working AND going out with friends, with moderate but steady alcohol intake and limited sleep throughout.
2. The night before, go to a party at a pub and add more alcohol into the mix, along with a healthy serving of MEAT (even though there WAS pasta on the menu).
3. Stay at said party until almost 2 a.m. telling yourself that it is rare to have the opportunity to share time engaging in thoughtful and probing conversation about a variety of scintillating topics with good friends.
4. Actually stay because you are engrossed in a drunken bout of "I Never".
5. Don't lay out what you need the night before so that you can run about cursing and stubbing your toes in the morning and then drive like a bat out of hell to get from Decatur to Piedmont Park by 8:30 am (who the heck ARE all those other people out at that hour on a Saturday????)
6. Realize as you get into the car that you haven't fueled yourself. Inhale a protein/energy bar and a lot of water and gatorade in a short span of time so that you feel bloated and like you have to pee just as you start running.
7. Feel enormously relieved as you spot the group still standing around but then realize that you can't turn and park because you are stuck at the light and panic that they will leave without you. (Even though really, even when you get there on time, most of the pack leaves without you anyway!) Honk and wave like a maniac until someone who knows you makes eye contact in the hopes that they will feel too guilty to leave without you.
8. Sprint from the distant parking spot you found to the group, arrive completely out of breath, convinced you can HEAR your body saying . . . "Oh goody, that was quick, back to bed now right?"
9. Stand around in a daze, A) not believing that you made it given that you left the house at 8:20 and B) wondering what the hell you are doing there in the first place.
10. Fail to actually look at the route that was emailed a few days ago, much less print out a copy. Take a copy from a good friend just before the run starts but then hold it in the same hand as a leaky bottle of red gatorade so that the map gets soaked with red gatorade and all the street names become too fuzzy to read.
11. Get separated from everyone else who knows where they are going before realizing that the street names have been reduced to little hairy caterpillars.
12. Figure it out anyway and thank God for the kick ass sense of direction with which you were apparently blessed.
13. Realize afterwards that had you planned your morning better you'd have been wearing the right socks and you'd have found your missing body glide and you wouldn't be sporting a blood blister that covers most of the bottom of your right arch.
14. Gross out friends, family and neighbors by showing off said monster blister because you actually feel really really proud of it, the trophy from the battle field.

And there you have it. At the end of all that, I looked myself in the eye and realized that even half of even one of those many obstacles that threatened to thwart this run would have stopped me in my tracks just few months ago. Well, that is, assuming it wouldn't have just been science fiction for me to be attempting such a thing in the first place. But had I tried such a thing back then, I would have welcomed each excuse with open arms. I would have invited each one back to my place, and settled them in around me on the couch. Excuses used to be my decorative pillows. Each one was embroidered with its version of the truth. "She's just not built for running." "She has asthma you know" "Her back is weak" "High impact activities are bad for her joints." "She's busy enough with work and family, she just doesn't have time to devote to fitness."

But this is not a few months ago. Oh I still lounge amongst those pillows from time to time, I'd be foolish to think I've left them behind forever. But now that I've discovered what I've been missing outside for all these years (and I get sad if I let myself think about how MANY years) those pillows will never have the hold on me they once did.

Yes, on Saturday I beat the hell out of my 9.38 mile run. Under some less than ideal conditions. I did a few things differently which really helped on this run. I did use gatorade and water, instead of just water. I also took cliff blocks with me. They are like large gummy cubes that you can chew or just hold in your cheek. They're made of easily digestible carbs for fueling on distance runs. This was the first distance I really felt they were warranted, now that I've tried them I really wish I'd used them on my 10K last week. Seriously, they were like rocket fuel on me. Or maybe it was a total placebo effect but either way I sure felt like I could run faster about a mile after taking them! My times seemed to prove it. Other than one tough hill in the 8th mile I was maintaining faster paces during the second half of the course than I was the first. My overall average pace was 12:28, almost 30 seconds per mile faster than my 10K race pace last week, even though this was 15K! The last time I ran with the group and did 7 miles it took me 1 hour, 31 minutes and change. This time I hit the 7 mile mark at 1 hour 25 minutes and change! Other than the blister I felt fine at the end and could have kept going. Except I was at the end and I know the risk of overtraining injuries becomes scarier the closer we get to race day. But I felt awesome and unbeatable on this 9 mile Saturday.

Chaotic

It's been a crazy week in so many ways, I have so much to blog about but haven't gotten 15 minutes to do it yet. So, in case anyone is worried, I'm ok. Wrestling with some more major decisions, rediscovering an active social life, trying to manage a household by myself for the first time with limited success and trying to not completely fall off the workout wagon. I made it to bootcamp Tuesday and Thursday and sort of Wednesday. I got there a couple of minutes late Wednesday and couldn't find them so I did a short run (almost 2 miles) and then did bootcamp exercises on my own until they came back to the meeting place. It was good to know that I can do it alone, but I also know that I didn't work nearly as hard as I would in the group. Thursday my right knee flared up again, loudly. It had been doing so well I stopped doing my routine to care for it. Yeah I know, it sounds stupid when I say it or write it too! So I couldn't really run on Thursday at camp and I had to do modifications for some of the other leg exercises too. I'm doing a recovery day today in the hopes that I can still do the 9 mile long run the training group has scheduled for tomorrow. I really think I need to incorporate some run/walk intervals now. Especially if I don't want to mess up this knee further.

I have lots more to write, my head is FULL of stuff that needs to be expressed here but I have to go to get my son from school. Planning a relatively quiet weekend so I should be able to put this back at the top of my priority list. I miss it!

Full Disclosure

No more secrets. Now that my son knows I can let everyone else know. My husband and I are separating after 11 years of marriage. We still care for and respect each other, and because of that I won't be using this venue to dissect the relationship and its demise. Just suffice to say that there was no deceit involved, nothing so simple as that. I'm on a roller coaster emotionally, ranging from total despair to relief and occasionally veering into hope.

He will remain extremely involved with our son and we will continue to support each other in our endeavors as we get used to the separation and the boundaries that arise from that. I have had good role models for this in my own parents and for that I am so grateful. Talking to our son last night and dealing with his pain was the hardest thing either of us have ever done but we did that together and we will continue to be a team where Chase is concerned. I wish Clint the best and truly hope he finds his passion.

The past 6-8 weeks have been very difficult though. I can't even imagine what a mess I'd be if I hadn't had boot camp in my life. And the circle of friends and family that I've opened this door for over the past month have been so amazing. Thank you guys. I'm realizing more than ever that any isolation I've felt in the past has been self-imposed. You guys really do have my back.

In other news, I ran 7 miles this morning with nothing more to show from it than a fresh blister. Again, other than general soreness from fatigue it was a painless run. AMAZING. I'm astounded at my body every day.

Clint moves out tomorrow. I'll be figuring out the logistics for my new life over the next few months. I'm delighted to find that I am feeling some exhileration at the lure of the unknown. Anything is possible, and that feels good.

Radominity

The image is a 2D model of something called a "Random Walk", apparently it is a mathematical theory which says that past stock performance is NOT predictive of future stock performance. For me, right now, I find that soothing.

So, I've been gone from the blog for a while. As I have hinted in the past, there are some heavy things happening in my life right now. I'm starting to share with folks in my life but, for reasons which will be clear later, I can't be completely open with it yet. And because the nature of these issues are sort of all consuming, it is hard to blog without ever mentioning it. So I've been just avoiding this place lately, which is hard because it is my nature to wear my heart on my sleeve. And there hasn't been any bootcamp for the past two weeks so I haven't had an automatic feed of other material to talk about. In fact, until yesterday, I went an entire week with no exercise at ALL. After my 5 mile run on the 29th I committed myself to sitting on my ass until Operation Boot Camp's saturday training run lured me off the couch yesterday. Actually, I can say that I INTENTIONALLY took a recovery week but that wouldn't be true. I kept meaning to get up. And it kept not happening. Thank God for my OBC friends. Maybe someday I'll be totally self-motivated in this whole fitness arena, but for now knowing that they'll worry if I don't show up is sometimes all that gets me there.

But I also learned that recovery may not be a bad thing. I took 4 days off after Thanksgiving and when I ran 2 miles afterwards it was HARD. So I got it in my head that I can't take time off without making everything harder. I honestly think now that those 4 days just weren't enough then. I've been pushing myself really hard since September 10. I was really nervous that I'd totally fall apart trying to run 6 miles this Saturday after doing nothing for a week. But lo and behold, I had a great run! On the HILLIEST course I've ever encountered. I even beat my 5 mile time from the previous week by 2 minutes with MUCH tougher hills. And, other than muscle fatigue, I think this was the first run I've ever had with NO PAIN at all. My shins didn't hurt, my calves didn't hurt, my knees didn't even hurt. Now I think I understand what tapering is all about!

Bootcamp IV starts tomorrow but I'm typing this from a hotel lobby in Milledgeville, GA so I won't make it. I'm thinking about trying to do it on my own but I'm not super comfortable running by myself before dark in a strange area so I might have to try out the treadmill they have here.

Some Random thoughts:

Snot gloves rock. I've since learned that these are not news, but when I found my Under Armor running gloves at REI after Christmas and read on the tag that the fleece patches on the back of the thumb and index finger were specifically for wiping your nose I was convinced they had been designed specifically for me! What a great idea!!!!

Target has stopped carrying my jog bra. Although I've realized I really should get something more heavy duty these bras were awesome, and great for wearing under regular clothes too. AND only $9.99 to boot! So Target discontinued them. ARGH.

Kroger has stopped carrying my favorite protein bars. Is this a freaking conspiracy????

I was shaving my legs in the shower last week and as I ran my hand up the front of my shin I got a fright. There was this wierd lump that ran up the front of my shin when I had my foot flexed. I checked the other leg too. WIERD. Yeah, I finally figured it out. I have KICK ASS SHIN MUSCLES! Now I can't stop flexing my lower legs to admire and caress my shin and calf muscles. Narcissitic I know, but I've NEVER had muscles pop there like they're popping now!

As I said, my 6 mile run yesterday ROCKED. I was DFL as usual but it was such a good run I didn't care. I started out WAY too fast, talking (well mostly listening) to my buddy Doug and keeping up with him on the mostly downhill first mile. Then I realized I was running at a sub 11 minute pace and that I was gonna be in trouble if I didn't back off. It was wierd, the first mile was SO easy that I didn't feel like I had to work at all until into the second mile. For Atlantans the course included the big hill by the hospital on Clairemont AND the length of N. Superior Ave. (which is like being transported to San Francisco). The elevation chart on this court was a little nutty. Jojo joined me from about 2.5 miles on and kept me entertained the rest of the way. I took right at 1 hour 16 minutes for my 6 miles, which MIGHT translate into a sub 3 hour half marathon come March. I've been tickled ever since. Later yesterday we had to go to a friend's house for a housewarming over in West End. We live on the opposite side of town but not a great distance. Google said it was an 11 mile trip. I chuckled, their house seems so far because the city is between us but I had run over half the distance on my own two feet! I realize that jogging down I-20 probably isn't wise but 11 miles no longer seems scary. I'm reading Slow, Fat Triathlete right now (which I recommend) and the author talks about sneaking up on long distances. Don't start out thinking about 13 miles or 26 miles. Just think about one mile further than what you've run before. A mile always seems attainable.

So, anyway, I'll be more connected this week now that bootcamp is back on. And I'll be sharing more as it becomes appropriate. Thanks as always for all of your encouraging comments, they really do mean so much even when I'm not good about returning the favor.

Brought to you by the Number 5!

I didn't run yesterday (Friday). And I didn't get up in time to make it to the start of the 5 mile group run organized by bootcamp. It was too warm for my liking, about 98% humidity and I wasn't feeling it this morning, not even one little bit. But I just switched myself to "RUN" mode and did my best to alternatively ignore and silence the nagging little voice that kept telling me that maybe I'm just a 5K kinda girl and that a half marathon wouldn't be THAT cool to finish. I took a LONG time to get ready to head out the door which was my only concession to the voice's constant droning. I took my 4 mile route from home and modified it to make it a 5.3 mile loop. I finally got out the door and on my way. SLOWLY and HEAVILY and with a lot of unnecessary whining from that same voice through the first mile. It was not an easy run, but it was doable, into the second mile I realized that I would finish 5 miles and would walk the last .3 to cool down and stretch my legs. It would take me awhile but my conviction that it was definitely doable finally shut up the inner whiner.

Truth be told, even though I did do the Stone Mountain loop several weeks ago according to mapmyrun it was just about 4.8 so now I can honestly say, based on my frighteningly accurate new Garmin, that I have now really really run 5 miles. The last mile was a bit torturous but once you get past halfway it just seems tragic to stop so I just kept setting goals up ahead and then when I'd reach them I'd glance at the Garmin and see how much further I had to go. Just .8, just .45, just .3, just .22, just .15 etc. By the end I was checking when I passed every other mailbox. My breathing was fine, but my legs were DONE and I started walking as soon as that magic number 5 appeared.

The walking was DELICIOUS. My legs almost felt like they were purring as I slowly and languidly stretched them forward in long graceful strides. I think I'll try and build a little walking cool down into the end of my runs from now on.

I'm continuing to drop pounds, down by 12 now. Wearing a pair of denim crop pants that used to give me MAJOR muffin top but which now feel almost roomy. Take THAT Holiday Bulge. Really, I've been eating small quantities I guess, but I haven't been censoring what I eat. I've had my fair share of chocolate, I've been drinking moderately, I haven't been eating my veggies and I've been really having to work to get protein in with all the sugar and starch lying around the kitchen.
MMMMM, that reminds me, the pumpkin pie (with rum) is calling . . . .

Running Girl

Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas! I made out really well, got my Garmin Forerunner 205, some really cool North Face Running tights, an REI running top, wicking underwear, reflective safety stuff and some really sweet inspirational stuff. Santa brought my son the battery powered four wheeler he wanted so its been fun to watch him tooling around the back yard with the dogs alternately being chased and chasing it.

Yesterday I had an appointment with a new therapist. As my Aunt pointed out I really can't blog so much about how depressed I am and not expect my family to worry. So I'm bolstering my support network, leaning on my friends and mentally preparing myself for what I expect to be a challenging 2008. My new therapist's office is 2.08 miles from my front door. As I sat at work midday berating myself for not getting up early and running that morning it suddenly dawned on me that I could go home early and run to my therapy appointment! This was nothing short of an earth shattering realization. Running for fitness was an insane idea when I first contemplated it. How crazy would it be to run somewhere as a mode of transportation???? To use my feet as the ancients did, simply to propel myself from one location to another???? HOW COOL!!!! It is unfortunately an impractical choice a lot of the time, after this week my therapy appointments will be right before or right after work. But since no one was in my office anyway I could leave early enough to go home and do it this time, so I did.

I put on ALL my new running gear (right down to the underwear). The REI top seemed deceptively light weight but it actually turned out to be way too warm and by the time I got to her office I was soaked in sweat. She wisely has a smooth all leather couch and I sat on the edge of my seat (and I was feeling pretty riled up and manic anyway so I was comfortable there). The Garmin worked almost flawlessly. At one point early on it was showing that I was running faster than a 10 minute per mile pace when I knew I wasn't but it quickly righted itself and the rest of the time the information seemed very consistent with what I felt my effort was. I averaged an 11:56 per mile pace there and a 12:52 per mile pace on the return trip. I felt way too slow and heavy for all my fancy gear. The running tights and shirt actually looked really cute when I modeled them in front of the mirror and I was excited to wear them, but when I was running I had moments of fear that passers by were looking at me and shaking their heads about the poor fool who fancied herself enough of an athlete to warrant a bunch of gear but who really didn't deserve it.

I know, I know. Not helpful thought patterns. I'm working on it. Promise.

I believe I have a group long run this Saturday, will probably do another short one tomorrow. My legs are telling me to take it easy so I'm trying to listen. Hoping to hit REI again today for the post Christmas sale!

Just a quick 2 mile run . . . .

Ok, I was good on Saturday. Even though my knee wasn't bothering me AT ALL. I WANTED it to hurt a bit because then I would have felt better about missing the race. Honestly, had it been an intown race I might have gone but by the time I realized it wasn't hurting AT ALL (did I mention that?) it was too late to get to the start on time. With missing the race and other issues which I won't go into here, Saturday was completely exhausting and overwhelming emotionally. By Sunday morning I was such a torrent of just overwroughtness (I'm making that a word if it isn't one already) on the inside that I was worried about just exploding. I slept in. I went to church. Church was soothing but it wasn't enough and I still felt so tightly wound that I avoided actually speaking to anyone at church which kinda defeats the purpose of being part of a worship community. But hey, I did what I could handle at the time. When I got home I just had to run. HAD TO RUN. Or destroy something. I decided I'd run up my street to the end of it, which is exactly .5 miles from my front door. If my knee started bothering me I'd turn around and walk back. Not unreasonable. At the .5 mile point my knee was not bothering me, so I continued on my 2.3 mile route. It was actually pretty tough because my left leg muscles were still annoyed about Friday and so my left leg was just generally tight and achy (even after stretching) and it was the middle of the day, sunny, and in the upper 70's. NOT my favorite conditions. But it was just enough of a distance to mollify my inner demons and I felt SO much better when I was done.

The urgency I felt is what I imagine a drug addict feels looking for the next fix. I described it to my doctor this morning and she was so excited that I'm addicted to exercise. I'm excited too, although I still routinely step outside myself for a minute and don't recognize what I see. I have moments where I think so much of the last 3 months have been some sort of fantasy, or a waking day dream, or just an old fashioned dream I haven't woken up from yet like in a soap opera.

This morning I could not wake up, my alarm beeped extra long as I incorporated the sound into my dream instead of waking for it. My knee wasn't hurting per se but it felt very stiff and there is some pain when I bend it all the way. I always check the weather with my blackberry before I get out of bed and when I read that the humidity was 95% I bailed. I feel a little bad about it but I'm not beating myself up. I'm tired. Like bone tired all over through and through tired. I know bootcamp would have probably given me a burst of energy but it just didn't feel right this morning.

At the doctor I couldn't replicate the pain I felt on Friday, and the area that hurt then wasn't tender to her touch. What WAS tender to her touch was my IT Band. OUCH! I about jumped off the table when she pressed on it. So she diagnosed me with ITBS, gave me some material which included special stretches, and told me to continue icing and ibuprofen and listening to my body. I'm still concerned that I may be dealing with Chondromalacia (inflammation of the cartilage under the kneecap) based on the symptoms I had Friday but she pointed out that the treatment is essentially the same. I've done some more research and I also need to do some focused strengthening of the inner quad muscles. In running those muscles aren't developed as much and it creates an imbalance than can lead to or exacerbate both ITBS and Chondromalacia. Anyway, she did lots of manipulation of both knees and moved them around in some interesting ways. Both of them made some popping noises, the right more than the left, but there wasn't any pain associated with the noises and since it is on both sides she said it could just be the way I'm built but that I need to be mindful of it and come in immediately if I experience any locking of the joint.

On the positive side my blood pressure is finally down. Since I JUST started my new meds she wants me to come back in a few weeks to check in again and to make sure my bloodwork is still normal.

So, I'll keep looking forward, stop catastrophizing, and maybe learn to use a run/walk gait when I need to. Group Operation Bootcamp training for the Half starts this Saturday. I'm excited but also hoping I'm not the only slow one!

AAAAAAARRRRRRRARRRRARRRRAAAHHHHH

Betrayal. Yesterday, Thursday, I noticed, maybe two times, a sharp pain under my right kneecap. Each time as soon as I took my weight off my right leg it went away. And since it only happened twice in an hour that included a lot of sprinting I actually forgot about it later in the day.

Today it complained more loudly. I would still get several running steps in with no problem and then . . . randomly . . . WHAMMO and I’d gasp and take my weight off quickly. So I got slower and slower, putting that right foot down more and more gingerly and letting my left leg do most of the work. It’s pretty annoyed right now. . . I can imagine my two legs arguing like kids in the back seat. “So . . . you just had to go and do something nutty to get mom’s attention and now I’VE got to be the ‘good’ leg and hold this body together!”

I can’t slip much past my bootcamp instructors and they started asking me how I was doing. I finally confessed and Jojo started giving me modified options. Backpedaling when going uphill, lunge walking instead of jumping, that sort of thing. Then Heidi checked in. And got VERY STERN with me. I started to get all whiny…. “But there’s this 8K race tomorrow . . . and I just HAVE to run it!” And Heidi threatened to come to my house. She never said what she would do at my house (and since Heidi is really cool she’d certainly be welcome anytime) but it was implied that she would bodily keep me from going to the race. She told me about her friend who experienced a “random stabbing pain” in his knee and decided to “tough it out” and run a race. He ended up with 3 surgeries and lost his ability to run EVER AGAIN.

Ok, wait a second, I’M the catastrophizer around here! I have a doctor’s appointment already scheduled on Monday. I fantasized about getting into a doctor today and being told that I was just being silly but that turned out to not be possible. I’ve iced it and taken anti-inflammatories. I started thinking that maybe I could lay low, ice a lot, take a lot of pills and “just try” tomorrow. The next time I got up from my seat it started twinging while I was just walking. It clearly is trying to get its point across.

Despair. I feel like someone has kidnapped my puppy and is dangling him over a precipice. Running and bootcamp are really the ONLY things going well in my life right now. With everything else I’m mostly just putting on a good act. If this is something that will require me to stop running for more than just a few days I . . . . I don’t know. The road is the thread keeping me together at the moment. The fear of not being able to run is crushing me.

I know I jumped in the deep end. After years of inactivity I have put my muscles through some serious abuse for which they were wholly unprepared. I think I may have diagnosed myself through Dr. Google. If I’m right the treatment involves rest, then physical therapy to strengthen the muscles that guide and hold the kneecap. And it may be chronic, something I’ll battle from here on out. But I’ll keep doing the ice, and the anti-inflammatories, and the rest and I’ll give the Dr. her say on Monday. Not going to this race tomorrow makes me feel like I’m standing myself up at the prom. Not going to the race hurts as much, if not more so, than my knee. And I know its only one race. But I’m so afraid of the possibilities. I don’t want to see the beginning of the end.

Treading Water

Just feeling the urge to check in since it has been a few days but my mind has been drifting in and out of that dark twisty swampy place again and I hate to whine on my blog.

Saturday night I stayed up too late watching the Ironman Championship that I had recorded earlier in the day. I meant to just watch a few minutes to wind down but watched the entire 90 minutes because I couldn't tear myself away. I'm looking forward to my 8K this Saturday but I'm also starting to get excited about the bigger races I have coming up . . . the Christmas 5K in Virginia Highlands (1000 people), the St. Pete 10K in January (about 1200) and then the ING Georgia Half (15,000).
Sunday was my off day, and it was good but I missed church again which bugged me. I just HAD to sleep so I couldn't make the early service and I had too much planned for the afternoon to make the 10:30 service. So I'm feeling spiritually disconnected. I have been praying a lot more lately, especially while running, but I do really appreciate the ritual of church and without it I feel like something is missing. There is a St. Nick's event on Thursday which will include a eucharist so I don't have to wait until Sunday. I also got to make a quick appearance at Jojo's Birthday Brunch which was way cool. I don't think I KNOW as many people as Jojo had at her brunch, the girl is not ONLY bootylicious, she's popular too! And then it was off to see Santa at an event organized by my office. Clint was taking the pictures so I got to play elf/assistant and enjoy a few laughs at the foibles of small children. And then the grocery store. And then the day was like, OVER. *sigh*. I need some downtime, like a couple of days worth, not just a few hours where I feel like I should be doing something else.

Monday and Tuesday have been hellish at work. I'm drowning in ick cases that I don't like working on. I DO have cases I enjoy working on but several of my ick cases have had deadlines right on top of me all at once and its wearing me down. I got a nice reprieve in that I went to the Found v. Postsecret show on Monday night which was WAY COOL and very funny and moving all at the same time. I've added both sites to my favorites in the sidebar. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, check them out. NOW. I'll wait.

On the training front I did bootcamp Monday and Tuesday. Tomorrow is an off day on the bootcamp schedule but you're supposed to do something in its place. My current plan is to run my 2.3 mile route from my house just to keep everything limber. This morning during bootcamp I was experiencing a lot of pain and promised myself I'd take tomorrow off, but now the pain is gone and I want to do it again. See Mom, I don't listen to myself any better than I listen to you when you tell me not to do something!

Speaking of the pain, I always have much more lower leg pain at bootcamp than I do when running outside of bootcamp. I used to think it was the difference between high intensity bursts that we often do at bootcamp and steady jogging that I do on my own. But we often jog in bootcamp too and this morning I deliberately held myself to a comfortable jogging pace (which also meant I wasn't running as far since I stayed at the back and avoided extra run backs) and I still hurt. The ONLY thing that is ALWAYS different between bootcamp and my other runs is that I never eat before bootcamp and I always eat before other runs, even if it is just a 150 calorie energy bar. I was not eating before bootcamp because I wanted to burn the maximum amount of fat, but maybe, especially since I frequently go to bed a little hungry, I'm just in pain because my body is underfueled? I also don't hydrate as much, I wake up, drink about 6-8 oz of water and go. I'm always afraid I'll have to pee, and the workout is less than an hour so I don't drink during it. Seriously, the difference in how I feel running on non-bootcamp days when I've had an energy bar or a bowl of kashi is like night and day. Any experienced people think this might be the missing link? I'll experiment by eating a little something Thursday morning.

Christmas is rushing towards us like a runaway train. Lets see, we know what our son's big present will be, but now how we'll pay for it. Other than that, I haven't even figured out where we hid the Christmas decorations when we moved. I think they're under the stairs. Behind the giant heavy piece of workout equipment that "conveniently" folds up for storage but not so conveniently weighs about 800 lbs so that you are done with your workout by the time you have pulled it out and broken your toe trying to unfold it. Oh, and I've thought about calling Merry Maids to do the final house clean before the relatives arrive as a present to myself but I haven't done that yet and I have NO idea what is a reasonable price for that sort of thing.

My own Christmas list bemuses me. Last year I wanted a robe, and a pair of boots. I got both (in fact I'm wearing the boots right now) and they were both very nice. This year my Christmas list includes a Garmin Forerunner 205, reflective running gear, running clothes (including wicking underwear . . . it sounds so dreamy!), and books like The Nonrunners Marathon Guide for Women and Slow, Fat Triathlete. What does everyone else want for Christmas or Hanukkah or the Holiday season?

The Loop

Hit the loop at just after 6:30 am and ran through the sunrise. We talked about coming even earlier sometime, running the loop and then climbing the mountain in time for the sunrise. Apparently the park actually opens at 5:00 am for "Our Runners" as the gate attendant proudly told us. And sure enough there were clearly quite a few runners and walkers who had already been there a while. The loop was well lit and the Christmas lights along parts of it, the giant lit tree on top of the mountain, and the approaching dawn kept the atmosphere picturesque and atmospheric but never dark. The police circled the loop periodically as well and I felt very safe, now I know that I can do it alone, even early, if I need to.

Today I didn't need to though, because the Intrepid Katy was again by my side, despite the fact that she was due to skate in the Children's Healthcare Christmas Parade later in the morning. She and her dog were great company.

The hills were present as promised but I had been prepared for more than there were and, given the routes I've run around Candler Park and my neighborhood they really weren't a problem. We ran the whole way, and my shins did GREAT. The SuperFeet really seem to be working as promised, although I did get some nice blisters which I'm trusting will heal and not be repeated as I break the insoles in.

So far increasing the mileage is going smoothly. Next week is the Madison Christmas Rush 8K (another 5 miles) and then I'll be building up to 8 miles just before the 10K I plan to run MLK weekend. A half marathon is a little less than three times around Stone Mountain. I've got a way to go but the first loop went a lot smoother than I expected. For muscles that were so sorely neglected for most of their life, they are suprisingly forgiving and willing to step up and exceed my expectations now. The body is truly an amazing thing.

Oh yeah, one more thing, it took us right at an hour, so we were averaging about 12 minutes per mile, since I know we were much slower on some of the longer hills I feel great about that. I'll be very pleased with any time under 3 hours on my first Half, so far I seem to be on target!

Little Bunny NOT Foo

I really did go to camp this morning believing it was possible to have two great workouts in a row. Apparently I at least sub consciously knew what was coming because at the last minute I decided to wear my Little Bunny Foo Foo t-shirt courtesy of artist Ronnie Land (same design as above, you can purchase the magnet on his website). So I shouldn't have been suprised when I saw the pile of jump ropes.

I AM improving. Now, in my THIRD bootcamp I can occasionally manage to get both of my feet off the ground at the same time but it is extremely challenging. And very hard on my poor shins (the SuperFeet insoles are designed to cushion more for the heel strike of running, not for hopping on your toes or full footed). So I spent more of this workout grimacing and cranky and less of it blissfully at one with the universe than I did yesterday.

I actually have a sneaking suspicion that the workouts that feel like they suck might just suck because they make me work harder than I want to, and that the ones that rock are actually just rocking because they are full on in my comfort zone. I dunno, its just a sneaking suspicion. Not so in my face yet that I can't happily kick it to the curb.

I also touched base with Tim about my plan to try and run 5 miles around the base of Stone Mountain tomorrow. He thought it was a great idea because it is such excellent HILL training. This, you will be amazed to discover, was actually a SHOCK to me. Yes, I've said that I was topography challenged in the past but this probably will convince you once and for all. Because although I realize that Stone Mountain is a huge piece of granite sticking out of the ground (and a place I have been countless times) I for some reason was absolutely convinced that the road around its base was perfectly flat, all logic and prior experience not withstanding. Tim said it is a great course to train on for the Georgia Half though, and he gave me permission to walk some of it if I absolutely have to (cause I really need permission from other people, I don't like to give it to myself). So, its still my official plan. I'm accepting volunteers to come hang out along the road and cheer me on. Apparently all the elves I requested are too busy making toys or some such nonsense.

Supafly on Supafeet Dancing with the Red Red Dawn

Somedays you just need a moisture wicking sequined jumpsuit in which to run and workout. Wow. It’s amazing. Just when I find myself becoming seriously motivationally challenged . . . (and this morning I had to practically slap myself into getting out of bed, I tried and tried to talk myself out of it) . . . somehow everything coalesces into an absolutely delicious workout where you feel strong AND cute AND fast AND just IN TUNE with your body and your surroundings and your peeps and everything just works so well that you feel like periodically laughing out loud. Believe me, I have so many, “well that was good, I should be proud of myself, but it wasn’t really buckets of fun either” days and occasional, “that was torture, why am I doing this, I’ll NEVER get better, I’m not worthy” days so I KNOW what a jewel a morning like this morning was.

The air was so crisp and clear this morning. And we did 12 Pack, which is hands down, along with Guts & Guns, one of my FAVORITE boot camp workouts. It’s just perfectly paced for me I think. And Heidi was there (one of the FOUNDERS of Operation Bootcamp) and it was really cool to see her there and to remember the last time she came to a Candler Park bootcamp workout was on my VERY first day and she and Jeff and her dog Casper had kindly nursed me through that agonizing and endless FIRST MILE on this journey. Ok, truth be told Casper had totally scoffed at me for not being able to go faster, but I won’t hold it against him. He’s cute and fluffy. Anyway, I loved having the opportunity to show off for her, and I was a total show boat (although hopefully it wasn’t annoyingly obvious). Running strong, extra mindful of my form on all the exercises. Whether she paid attention or not (and she did have some very nice compliments for me on my progress, thanks Heidi) I enjoyed seeing myself through her eyes. I really am changing. I am capable. I am not stuck. I am not resigned to just daydreaming about feeling strong and healthy.

Everything about being outside this morning was such a treat too. The moon and stars were so clear, and the patterns of clouds scudding at a runners pace across the sky just fit with my spirit at the time. Dawn was a gorgeous and unrepentant shade of red in the sky, with the newly naked trees appearing to greet the rising of the sun with arms raised. And we laughed a lot today. And Tim and Jojo wore flashing light up antlers and flashing light up candy canes respectively.

And, although I don’t want to get TOO excited yet, I’m cautiously optimistic that the SuperFeet insoles that Tim recommended really are going to help with my shin pain. My shins bothered me so much yesterday that I nixed the idea for a short run in the evening. This morning, with the new insoles, they weren’t completely pain free but they were much less troublesome than I expected, which also contributed to my ability to really enjoy myself. So we’ll see how it goes. They do feel weird, the arch feels like its too far back in my foot but the guidebook says that’s normal, its just that I’ve likely not been getting support in the right places before. They aren’t uncomfortable at all, just feel a bit strange still. I’ll keep you posted.

Planning on a 5 mile run this Saturday, possibly on the loop around the base of Stone Mountain because it would be a nice change of scenery and it is just about exactly 5 miles to do the loop one time. I have a pet peeve about back tracking, when driving, walking or running. I’m a big fan of loops. I was also excited to hear the announcement this morning that Bootcamp will be organizing some group long runs to train for the Georgia Half, that will really help me a lot. Honestly, although I hope to someday be as worried about letting myself down as I am about letting other people down, it REALLY helps to know that Jojo and Tim and my fellow campers would miss me and worry about me if I stopped coming. It was that more than anything that won my argument with myself this morning about getting out of bed. I’m so thankful that they’re there to keep that door propped open, even when I sometimes try to duck back through it the wrong way.

Ok, I’ve added some new blogs to the blog roll. And I’ve added a FAVORITES section that I’ll use for cool non blog stuff. I’ve linked to my training log on mapmyrun.com so I can be accountable to everyone who reads this!

Finally, one of the blogs I added was Kate Harding’s very popular Shapely Prose. Everyone MUST read this post: The Fantasy of Being Thin. Very thought provoking, and much of it very true for me.

Refusing to be daunted . . .

I feel like I'm staring down the barrel of the holidays without my armored vest on. And I know that it is within my power to reframe this, to accept that our first Christmas in our new house will certainly be far from perfect and to be ok with that. I did pretty good with Thanksgiving, not over planning but just letting things flow and not being upset that we didn't have a table to sit at or that we were lacking decorations or candles or that we ended up not eating until almost 5. But Christmas involves a lot more people, out of town guests, all with simultaneous increased stress at work. The same thing happened to me last year, a lot of attorneys plan better apparently and have quiet Decembers. I on the other hand will be in my final rush to bill as many hours as I can. So I guess I should feel blessed that several of my active cases which have just been rocking along all calm and such are now ramping up and my calander of deadlines in December is looking downright frightening. And training for the half needs to start in earnest first week of December so running and bootcamp are NOT things I can let go of right now. So I've just got to dig deep, let go of things that other people ARE capable of doing (despite my constant foreboding that no one else will do it quite the way I want it to be done) and appreciate the love the people in my life will try to share with me despite my best efforts to miss it altogether in a whirlwind of stress.

On the plus side . . . yesterday was a pretty decent day. Got some chilling time on the couch. Successfully ran the 3.56 mile course I had mapped out. Enjoyed some good family time. And got to visit one of my bestest friends and hang with her almost 3 week old daughter for the first time. She is one of those rare BEAUTIFUL newborns that you can just stare at all day. And she was a total doll, sleeping in my arms for most of the visit, treating me to the occasional adorable grimace or smile or squeaks or grunts. Opening her eyes periodically and then settling back in to sleep. Her parents insist that she is their own singing frog, screaming non stop when no one is around and switching into angel mode whenever company is over so that no one understands their shell shocked sleep deprived rantings. Holding a new baby like that is just one of those simple life affirming things that everyone should work into their schedule periodically. It is good for the soul.

The run was easier than the 2.3 miles on Thanksgiving in many ways. I really didn't intend to run the whole way but I just tricked myself as usual with the whole "you can walk at the top of this hill" promise over and over. I really NEVER appreciated how hilly my neighborhood is until now. Its good though, by the St. Pete Classic 10K I should be ready to really rock it on a totally flat course and I'll be able to mentally accept the hills in the Half in March. On the website they have a chart that shows the elevations for the run, starting at mile 6 and ending at mile 7 it appears to be one long steep hill. After cresting that though it appears to be mostly flat or downhill for the remainder of the race. So that will be my big mental hurdle, if I can make it to mile 7 I'll be past the worst of the hills AND over halfway.

I almost thought my prayer for elves had been answered, for the first 1.5 miles I regularly passed neighbors who cheered me on. Then they all disappeared but it got me over the hurdle of the biggest hill on that course. It also made me realize that if I'm running in my own neighborhood during daylight hours I need to look a LITTLE bit cute. I really need some new running clothes, seriously.

For any runners reading this, I'm interested in hearing about the Galloway method. My friend who just had the baby used it to train for her first half and she insists she was faster doing his run/walk method than she was just running. And that she could go further with no pain (she also struggled with shin issues). And I've read similar testimonials online. Thus far for me I've been so focused on NOT walking at any cost that I'm having a hard time getting my head around it. I'd appreciate more feedback if anyone is so inclined. There is a Galloway training group starting near my office on January 5 specifically for the Georgia Half.

Crickets

I dreamed about running last night. I can’t remember details, just running, each time I woke in between hitting the snooze button this morning I was running and thinking of distances. That’s one nice side effect of sleep deprivation you know, remembering your dreams. I’ve been getting too much sleep lately and not remembering them because I’m not waking in the middle. Last night I stayed up very very late doing some long overdue blog surfing. I also finally got around to adding a blogroll to my sidebar. It is a work in progress, I’m looking to add more running oriented blogs, especially from Atlantans so I can steal their training ideas. Not all of them are health and fitness oriented, some are actually people I know in real life.

Then when I was finally getting ready to go to bed I remembered the crickets. They came two days early because of the holiday and I wasn’t ready for them. But I couldn’t bear the thought of going to bed and leaving them for another night and day in their cold and soulless shipping tube. So I retrieved the cricket keeper, temporarily housed the remaining crickets from the last batch in a plastic bucket, and cleaned cricket poop and sheds and left over food so it was all sparkling and shiny and welcoming. Then I transferred the older crickets back in, gave them fresh food, and then dumped 50 new crickets on their heads. I don’t think they were impressed. But they all looked settled in this morning. Good cricket husbandry is one of those things that I spend way too much time fretting about but had I gone on to bed last night I would have woken this morning feeling all guilty like only a bad cricket mommy can. Which is ultimately ridiculous because I simultaneously have NO compunction about dumping 20 crickets into the terrarium of death and cheering as Bindi the Beard Dragon systematically, prehistorically and awesomely hunts them down. Sometimes Chase and I even make voices for the crickets and carry on silly conversations wherein they are super excited about the spacious new digs, then confused when their friends start disappearing one by one, then . . . CRUNCH. I guess I just figure I owe them clean and well fed final days. And, in the scheme of things, it’s pretty easy to make crickets happy. Its satisfying to serve the crickets in my life. It makes me happy.

I’ve devoted so much time to controlling and complicating things in order to “create” happiness. And I think there IS something admirable in that, but there is also something somewhat pathetic in it. Because my manufactured happy moments are never as satisfying as the ones that catch me unawares. I used to spend a lot of time researching work out techniques and buying workout equipment and clothing. I would read motivational books and get really really really psyched to MAKE THE CONNECTION. And I’d be really focused on how I looked working out, and how it felt to tell people I was working out, and not so much on what was going on within me. And the gear would lose its novelty. And all I would really perceive was pain and effort and the lack of instant results. And the gear would start gathering dust. And I would feel a bit stronger in my conviction that I just couldn’t do it.

What was different this time? I don’t know. I just didn’t think too much, which is a real fundamental accomplishment for me. I just showed up that first morning after only 2 hours of sleep with my stomach in knots. Then, after fighting the urge to hurl and after a thoroughly horrible day on every other front in my life, I just got up and went again the next morning, without really thinking about it too much. I did start blogging that second day, but the blogging has been less about controlling the process and more about merely documenting it. Certainly this blog is full of those unexpected moments of happiness that I’m only now fully realizing would never have happened had I tried to force them. Maybe I’ve just finally reached a point where I’ve stopped expecting happiness as my due. And now I’m finally free to fully appreciate those moments when I stumble across them.

0 to 13.1 . . .

It's official. I'm now registered for the ING Georgia Half Marathon on March 30. I'm very very excited about it RIGHT NOW. Lets hope that excitement doesn't completely fizzle out in the next 130 days. I was thinking about signing up for the Indy 500 Mini Marathon so I could run it with one of my blog heroes, PastaQueen and because the boys in my life would think it was REALLY REALLY cool that part of the course involves running around the Racetrack. But I have friends and family and so much support here, and it will feel like such a huge accomplishment to run a race through my hometown, where I already know the streets involved so well. I have a lifetime of memories along the route, it will be very healing to create a memory of me successfully running a race down the streets that I often find myself driving stressed out and anxious.

I'll be running as part of the Operation Bootcamp team. Jojo and Tim have assured me they will keep me on track and help me with my training schedule. So, I'll keep you posted. I might try and create a new element on the page to track my training. Hmmmm, if Santa is reading this a GPS watch thingamagig would be really cool.

I broke the 160 point this morning on the scale. I've also given myself permission to indulge in some comfort food this week so I'm not going to freak out if I regain that half pound sometime this week.

I read a really interesting post at the Angry Fat Girlz Blog today about the tension between the Fat Acceptance movement and the Weight Loss community. Bootcamp has been such an eye opener for me in terms of body acceptance and confronting the assumptions I often lazily rely upon. There are bootcampers who are bigger than I am, and stronger too. There are many bootcampers who are skinnier than I am, and not as fit as me or as other "fatter" people. I know someone who has struggled with weight but has also, simultaneously, maintained a rigourous workout schedule and who was often more cardio fit and stronger than I was, even if I was smaller and lighter.

Fitness is important. To accept yourself as unfit, to resign yourself to being incapable of movement, is incredibly self destructive. But so is working out like a demon and then hating yourself because you don't hit arbitrary number goals. I haven't lost MUCH weight, or really, in the scheme of things, too many inches. But I feel so empowered and strong that it doesn't really matter too much. Ok, it matters more when I'm depressed and looking for something to flog myself with, but today its not mattering so much so I can speak with some sort of moral authority.

So, Fat Acceptance is an important and empowering movement. And the suggestion that Fat Acceptance and weight loss can be incompatible makes sense when weight loss is a self-destructive self-denying tool. My six year old son lamented the other day that he thought he was fat. I take responsibility for that, I've certainly never suggested to him that I think HE is, but over the course of his short life he's seen far too much of me abusing myself over my weight. I'm so thankful that I'm finding this new path NOW, before he's a teenager, while its still relatively easy to influence him. Weight loss can be a side effect of fitness. Of eating properly to fuel your body. Of nurturing your fit self. But, to a certain extent, you can be fat AND fit. If we all just focused on fitness, there'd be no way not to connect with each other. Because fitness is an ACT, not an acheivement. So every step is progress and we should NEVER feel bad about progress, no matter the pace.

Racing makes this so clear for me. Each step closer to the next mile marker is cause for rejoicing. I never know if the scale or the measuring tape will directly reflect my efforts to lose weight or inches. But no matter what happens tomorrow, NOTHING can subtract the steps I took today.

So, in writing this I've realized how skewed my side bar is and I've rearranged to reflect the important stuff at the top. Even posting my weight FIRST in the sidebar is a way that I unconsciously minimize my self-worth. My weight is just ONE of many measures that, taken together, present a complete picture of my health. I DO like me some charts and graphs. Easily measured numbers are easy to track. "Feelings of Accomplishment" in and of themselves do not chart easily. Do not discount those feelings though. I don't think knowing that I weigh half a lb less than I did last week is going to propel me through any finish lines. But knowing what it feels like to meet a fitness goal will.

Breaking Records

Just my own, but still, I'm worried I'm getting a bit complacent about the fact that I break my own records every time I run under timed conditions. As you can see in the side bar I took another 2:09 off my 5K time at the Paideia Slither this past Saturday. The amount of time I drop each run is less each time and I intellectually understand that eventually I will plateau and I might even go long on some runs due to conditions or the course or me not being ready. At that point I will have to overcome the urge to stop trying. But, that point hasn't come yet and it is a ton of fun to shave the minutes off in the meantime!

The Paideia Slither was much hillier than I anticipated (and it was hillier than the Kids Chance which makes it extra suprising that I ran it so much faster!). It was also VERY cold at the start, and although I tried to stretch some I was afraid to stretch too much given how cold my muscles were. But I do like running in the cold, and I had stripped off my jacket and my gloves by the time we passed the first mile marker. Yes, I said "we" because one of my bestest childhood friends ever, Katy, ran with me! I encouraged her to not slow herself down to stay with me but as it turns out (although she's an accomplished runner with a few half marathons under her belt) she hasn't run in quite a while so I apparently wasn't too painfully slow for her. I was a little nervous about the prospect of someone running "with" me. I knew that even if I was capable of chatting through the race I probably wouldn't feel like it. Running is an intensely mental game for me. But Katy was GREAT. She matched herself to my pace and didn't make me feel anxious about running where I was comfortable. She has some sort of wierd malady which makes her feel the need to talk a LOT while she runs. But she stressed to me that I absolutely did NOT need to respond, she wouldn't be offended. So, sure enough, other than the occasional affirmation from me Katy kept up a pretty steady monologue throughout the race which I found quite pleasant and distracting from the fear I always have that I'm just steps away from walking. And she was instrumental in pushing me to find some sprint power at the end to make it to the finish at 34:00 minutes when I really felt like it was impossible.

So we averaged 10.83 minutes per mile, which is so much faster than the 12:14 minutes it took me to run just one mile on October 5 when I was running flat out for my first end of bootcamp PT test. The speed with which I'm improving is astonishing to me. It's like my body is all of a sudden "getting" it, on some sort of cellular level. I wonder if averaging 8:31 per mile will ever be possible on a 5K?

Sorry no photos yet. I PROMISE to get on it this evening, we were just too busy catching up from Clint's trip yesterday evening. There is a picture of me and Chase with my trophy and a picture I took of my "wall of numbers" in my closet. I also took a picture of the blisters I developed during the Kids Chance run because I was really proud of them but I've since decided not to gross you all out. No blisters at that Paideia race so my "new" shoes are officially broken in. As I suspected, my shins hurt at the start of the race but stopped hurting once I was warm, and then were sore and tender after the race. But they didn't hurt during the race like they do during bootcamp so I think it has to do with intensity or perhaps my form when I'm jogging as opposed to sprinting.

So my current plan is to rest this entire week although I'm already feeling kind of grossed out by that plan (wierd huh?) so I may do some stretching and strength exercises at least. And maybe I'll go for a short jog, I want to map out some routes around my house. I'd love to run a race a week but that could get ridiculously expensive! I want to give my legs at least 4 days off though so that my shins and my right hamstring (which has been tight since last week's sprint day at bootcamp) can fully recover. And then Bootcamp III starts next Monday!

RESULTS SHOW II

OK, I'm tight on time at the moment but I'm again without internet access at home this weekend so I wanted to at least give a quick post to commemorate completing my second bootcamp!

I ran my little heart out this morning and handily beat my goal of a 9 minute mile by 29 whole seconds! Yep, my fastest mile time is now 8:31, which was a 1:12 improvement over October 22. I was actually suprised to see such a big drop, now I'm determined to get under 8 minutes!

Didn't see such huge improvements in the other tests. My second best improvement was in push ups and I did the exact same number of sit ups. I really crank them out and I think I'm almost maxed on the physical number of times my body can make that motion in a minute at 39. Although one of my instructors says he maxes out at 45 so I'd like to at least squeeze 6 more in there!

My husband is in Tuscany for work and keeps complaining about all the hours the clients are making him sit down and eat 6 course meals. I'm SO excited about him gaining weight. I'm evil. But seriously, all he has to do to drop 10lbs is think about it hard so don't feel too sorry for him!

BIG THANKS to my friend Shane and my Dad who slept over at my house this week so that I could make boot camp in the mornings. It is CONCRETE support like that which makes ALL the difference. I'm really blessed to have it from so many quarters.

I'll find some way to check back in tomorrow after the Paideia 5K and I promise to post a picture of me with my trophy once my husband gets back with the laptop!

I've removed the "Goal Weight" from my sidebar. The more I thought about it the more I realized that I wasn't really focused on that at all. My goal was an arbitrary number that I vaguely remember weighing almost a decade ago. I may add a "goal inches" category but I was too lazy to measure myself at the start of bootcamp so I'll have to call Jenny Craig and get the measurements they took of me back in May and compare them to now. And then I'll have to resist the lure of Jenny Craig. I really do love their food. It's hard to resist the convenience but I know that I want to eat fresher more REAL foods from here on out.

One final note: my underwear is too big. Luckily its too cold to be wearing skirts without pantyhose or I'd be risking an unfortunate incident. Maybe that's what happened to Brittany? Maybe she inadvertently danced her panties right off! I've got some Victoria's Secret coupons but I'm a little nervous about using them . . . on the one hand, I might love how I look in everything and I'll buy half the store. On the other hand, I might still get over critical and devolve into a ball of self-loathing in the dressing room. I THINK I've developed some resistance to the second scenario but just not sure yet.

Lullwater

This is where I’ll be running the Kids Chance 5K tomorrow morning, God willing. And I think I’m going to need God on this one. My heart is faltering a bit more than I’d like. Despite the new shoes my shins were really hurting after Thursday’s workout which was a pretty simple circuit routine since it was Bring a Friend Day so hardly any pavement running at all. And emotionally my heart feels very defeated. Hardly an ideal frame of mind. But when I searched for images of the park and saw this one I felt somewhat reassured. Perhaps I’ll be able to let go of some of the angst that has been gripping so tight when I’m steeped in a place of such beauty. And history. This park is right behind my old high school. And behind the VA Hospital where I volunteered as a teenager. And behind, on the other side, the primate research facility where I worked one summer in college. I have spent a lot of time in that park. Skipping school and crossing the railroad tracks to burst into the freedom of the sheltering forest. Shyly walking hand in hand with boys I liked, or simply coveting their attention amongst a larger group. Striding with defiance, alone, rejecting the “establishment” of my family and my school for the wild ache of adolescence. Ambling in quiet, yet strident contemplation of my place in the world during that summer of college, feeling like surely no one before me had ever felt things as deeply as I did.

It has been at least 15 years since I have set foot in that park. My connections with those earlier iterations of me are becoming more tenuous. But they are still there. And I can say with some confidence that I don’t ever think I could have imagined myself running a race in those woods at the ancient age of 35. I’m certain I didn’t anticipate that at such a thoroughly adult age I would still feel lost so much of the time.

In retrospect, I hope I do connect with that still malleable younger me. She had a lot of things right in terms of priorities. Things which have gotten muddled in the years of racing to meet goals and responsibilities since. If I find her, if she travels with me for a spell on this race, I think I’ll do ok.