Charting My Course

I made it to boot camp twice this week thanks to my Dad and then my Stepmom sleeping over two nights. My ex had been coming over at 5:30 am (which is pretty darn nice of him I must say) but now he’s out of the country for the next 3 weeks. This was the last week of what was supposed to be my 4th boot camp. I’m torn about whether to count it or not because I attended so sporadically. I only went one day in week 2. I can’t go tomorrow for the PT test either. I’ve definitely realized that signing up for the February camp just doesn’t make sense logistically. I’ve got my son until 8 every morning and I have to pick him up by 6 in the evening (the evening boot camp starts at 6:15). I’m hoping when March rolls around Clint and I will have worked out a schedule and I can at least commit to attending most of a session.

In the meantime I’m looking for good videos/ cross training workouts I can do in my living room before my son gets up in the morning. I’m hoping I can do a couple of short runs during the week and I’ll definitely continue the long runs with the ING training group on Saturdays. I’m really excited to see that I’m building muscle definition in my arms so I’m going to pick up some resistance bands so I can continue working on that. And thanks to boot camp I now know a variety of different kinds of push ups to play with!

I’d also really like to give spinning a try, or swimming. Just don’t have the funds to get facility access at the moment although the Y does offer childcare so that would solve part of my problem. I’d love to try kickboxing and martial arts as well. My list of things I want to sample just keeps growing, having a full time job is REALLY cramping my style! I need to find someone to pay me a lot of money to write a regular column about working out. Somehow I’m figuring that market is kind of saturated . . . but hey, you never know!

I’ve also decided to sell our house. It’s just too much for me to carry on my own (heck it was kinda too much for us to carry as a couple but we were somehow scraping by each month). So if anyone is looking to move into the Decatur Area into a beautiful brand new total renovation let me know via a comment. I don’t want to post too many details here. Chase was very sad at the news (as am I) but he’s continuing to be a trooper about it. I’m hoping to rent a smaller place in the same neighborhood. I am excited about downsizing and simplifying everything in my life. I’m hoping in 6 months (if not sooner) I’ll be breathing easier financially.

I’ve been having a blast socially, getting out much more than I have in years, meeting lots of new people (including some nice dating prospects). I’m really enjoying interesting conversations over coffees and lunches and the occasional Strongbow. It’s just nice to flirt and explore. For once in my life I know that I’m attractive, I know I have a lot to offer, and I’m not questioning the fact that people seem to be interested in getting to know me better. Based upon my burgeoning social calendar I’m finding that I’m apparently in short supply and high demand!

Chaotic

It's been a crazy week in so many ways, I have so much to blog about but haven't gotten 15 minutes to do it yet. So, in case anyone is worried, I'm ok. Wrestling with some more major decisions, rediscovering an active social life, trying to manage a household by myself for the first time with limited success and trying to not completely fall off the workout wagon. I made it to bootcamp Tuesday and Thursday and sort of Wednesday. I got there a couple of minutes late Wednesday and couldn't find them so I did a short run (almost 2 miles) and then did bootcamp exercises on my own until they came back to the meeting place. It was good to know that I can do it alone, but I also know that I didn't work nearly as hard as I would in the group. Thursday my right knee flared up again, loudly. It had been doing so well I stopped doing my routine to care for it. Yeah I know, it sounds stupid when I say it or write it too! So I couldn't really run on Thursday at camp and I had to do modifications for some of the other leg exercises too. I'm doing a recovery day today in the hopes that I can still do the 9 mile long run the training group has scheduled for tomorrow. I really think I need to incorporate some run/walk intervals now. Especially if I don't want to mess up this knee further.

I have lots more to write, my head is FULL of stuff that needs to be expressed here but I have to go to get my son from school. Planning a relatively quiet weekend so I should be able to put this back at the top of my priority list. I miss it!

Going with it

I've been swimming like hell for a long time. Fighting currents and struggling to get breaths of sweet air in the rapids. So I find myself floating more now. Just riding the water. Not focused on dictating my direction anymore. Exhileration. Fear. The line between the two is transparent.

I'm writing from my Aunt's house in St. Petersburg. Drove down Thursday evening and this morning, spending the night at Exit 5, just before the Florida line. Chase is with me and it has been delicious to have this time with him, singing in the car, bouncing on the bed in the hotel, goofing off. His resilience is strong.

I'm sad that I didn't go to bootcamp again this week after Monday. This morning I was out of town obviously, but Tuesday and Thursday were missed primarily because I just couldn't / wouldn't sleep and I sort of allowed the logistics of organizing those mornings just slip away from me. Intellectually I know that I shouldn't beat myself up over it. I should start fresh next week, accept that I'm not perfect, accept that I should allow myself to be in a strange place this first week of separation. But in my heart I feel sad about it.

I'm nervous and excited about the 10K tomorrow. I stopped at Phiddipedes on Thursday afternoon and was able to find two Moving Comfort Jog Bras (I got one Maia style and one Fiona). When I tried them on I couldn't believe the difference. I'm so excited to run with a REAL bra supporting me tomorrow! And I indulged in a shorter pair of running tights and couple of new tops while I was there. I picked the tops off the racks in size M. Although I'm well endowed I don't mind showing it off and the rest of my upper body frame is petite so larges are usually too large everywhere else. But I only brought a L in the running tights into the dressing room. I'm well endowed in the rear as well. I pulled on the tights and thought there must be something wrong with the cut of them because they were all baggy across the tops of my thighs. I almost didn't dare to think that maybe they were just too big. But I switched them out, and guess what, a M was the right size. With the proper bra on, and my M running tights and my M top I looked hella cute! I even indulged in a few minutes of flexing muscles in the mirror. I'm down 14.5 lbs now, almost 3 bags of sugar I'm no longer lugging around with me everywhere!

My Aunt and Chase and I headed down to the little expo they had set up to pick up our race packets. This is my first race that included schwag. AND I'll get a chip in the morning! Chase will be running in the kids races after the 10k is done so we both got numbers. We had a good laugh when we pulled them out of the envelope. I'm number 13. He's number 1. Running this race, here in St. Pete where so much of my childhood and college years were spent, with my son, and without my husband, feels momentous. Our "random" numbers seem to reflect that. I'll wear my 13 proudly and make it lucky. And of course my son IS number 1.

Finding my way

Ok, I know the crossroads image is cheezy. But whacha gonna do? Its accurate! Things are going pretty well all things considered. I'm energized and exhausted by my new circumstances, all at the same time. Literally speaking I'm not sleeping much but that is improving each night. At the same time I'm wound up and hyper during the day, even while I'm yawning. I'm looking forward to my 10K race on Saturday to help smooth me out. Bring the adrenalin I've been carrying to a head at the starting line and just run it out over the course of the race. Then spend some time on the beach with my son. Let the surf and the sand work their magic on my agitation.

I did bootcamp Monday, but missed it Tuesday. I'll make it tomorrow but then we'll be leaving to drive to Florida after work so I'll miss it on Friday. I'm ok though, I've got the race, and then next week my son will be with his dad the first part of the week so I'll get to go at least 3 times then. I'm just not going to beat myself up about it right now. I feel a confidence in the permanence of fitness in my life now.

I'm jumping into dating pretty quickly. I know some folks will feel awkward about that but it is something that just feels right for me right now. My husband and I have both been lonely with each other for a long time. And I've been processing the separation for quite a while although a lot of people are only finding out now. I will not subject any dates I have to being scrutinized in this forum (except maybe the really bad ones, with names and details changed of course!). I'm excited about meeting new people and embracing the adventurous spirit that I shelved for a long time. And I was the one who did the shelving. It wasn't my marriage per se as much as it was my expectations of marriage and of what box I thought I had to force us into to fit those expectations. Letting go of all that I feel like I'm in tune with myself for the first time in years. I'm looking forward to this road trip with my son. Truth be told I'd really like to hang my head out the window and let my ears flap in the wind!

I also hope to take some time to catch up on other people's blogs, I've been extremely self focused for the past month or so . . . its time to look up from my own footsteps again.

Vanity - THE MOTIVATOR

Alright folks, its time to set your tivos for Friday morning during the 8 am hour! CNN joined us this morning to film bootcamp as part of a segment they are doing on Instructor Tim and the changes he has made in his life. He has gone from a 330ish lb sedentary guy to a bootcamp instructor and part owner of the Decatur operation. He also runs marathons. And he totally kicks ass and was a big part of why and how I made it through the first two weeks of my first camp when my body was reeling and rebelling against the new regime I was imposing upon it. So we had a great energetic group show up this morning (it was technically a homework day in the regular schedule) with campers from Candler and from other parks around town. Jeff and Heidi came too and it's been quite awhile since Jeff has seen me so it was great to see his reactions to the changes in my body.

I pushed myself this morning harder than I have in a while. It seemed like every time I looked up the camera man was right on me with his big light (it was still pre-dawn of course)and I really didn't want to be caught slacking. Jeff and Heidi's presence also contributed. I love showing them how far I've come. I STILL haven't invested in a better jog bra and I was really regretting it when I sprinted around the corner to confront the camera with my boobs deciding that they were just going to take leave of my bra altogether (of course I was still covered by my shirt but I'm guessing it looked like I was about to give myself a black eye). It is fitting more loosely now and just not holding everything together so well. They WILL edit that out . . . right??? RIGHT????

In another shout out - just got word that one of my bestest and oldest friends (we met at the bus stop, first day of school in 6th grade) just got drafted to one of the Atlanta Roller Girls Teams!!!!! YAY! I'm so proud of her, she has really been working hard since she started training with them last summer. There is a kick off event January 25 and then the season starts March 08! With the return of American Gladiators and my new passion for Roller Derby I'm finally a sports fan!!!!

Smackdown

It's Christmas Crazy at my house, just jumping on for a minute for a couple of quick updates. Finished my THIRD bootcamp on Friday. I only shaved 5 seconds off my run this time but it was seriously humid and I was struggling with that. I've also felt like I've slacked a bit this past month, I've gone consistently but if I'm honest with myself (and I'm starting to realize, what is the point of not being?) I've been going through the motions too often. So I was seriously afraid I would have slipped backwards. I was relieved to know I could squeak by anyway but I need to work on the psychology of it all. Surviving bootcamp is no longer satisfying enough for its own sake.

Anyhoo: my results were as follows -
Timed mile: 8:26
Pushups in 1 minute: 35 regular, 16 bent knee
Situps in 1 minute: 41
Tricep Dips in 1 minute: 30 regular, 13 facilitated

Saturday I ran the Virginia Highlands Christmas 5K, my first race of any size. My Aunt and my Mom (both visiting from out of town) and my husband and my son all came, my largest audience ever. Thanks guys! The running part of the race was great. I knew it was a very hilly course but as per usual, when I mentally am prepared for that it was no problem. I ran the entire course and maintained pace with a group of people who certainly looked much fitter than I feel until into the third mile when they managed to pull away a bit. Hills do slow me down, but they no longer psych me out in any way and I felt strong throughout the course.

Now for the whining. The race had 1000 runners, the start was on a very narrow street with cars parked on it. The organizers allowed dogs and there were several (not tons, but enough to be a real presence). When we moved to the start area I kept trying to get to the back, knowing that I was a slower runner and not wanting to be in anyone's way. HA. Apparently not many people agreed with that tactic. I ended up about 2/3 back from the front and when the race started the road in front of me was constantly blocked by big groups of walkers. It was really aggravating, it was probably a full minute before I could take even a jogging step and get to the starting line and I think it took me a good quarter mile of fighting traffic (including dodging the aforementioned dogs who did not look like they really enjoyed getting tripped over and jumping off onto the sidewalk to get around clusters of walkers). So I believe my time was artificially slow and I forgot to bring my cheapie stop watch to time myself which was frustrating. Also there were only 4 porta potties at the start, too few for a crowd that size in my opinion. At the end they only had cups of water instead of bottles, the food was demolished by the time I reached it, and I couldn't find trash cans anywhere. And they passed out shirts at the start but didn't have a shirt drop, even though the course wasn't a loop. I had been dropped off and had no where to put my shirt and didn't relish carrying it the entire course. I already had a jacket I knew I'd ultimately tie around my waist. So I had to borrow a race volunteers phone to call Clint to swing by and pick it up. This just seems like a pain on a point to point course where they specifically recommend that you park at the finish. Had I come alone and had to walk back to my car and back to the start, especially if I had arrived at a reasonable time before the race started instead of WAY too early I would have been more than annoyed about it. Wah! Whining done.

The course was challenging but interesting. True, I live in Atlanta but I only know the commercial sections of Virginia Highlands and the roads of the course were unfamiliar to me, very picturesque with lots of beautiful houses.

Ok, I mentioned to a few folks that Clint took some pics of me as I approached the finish line. I've just loaded them on the computer a few minutes ago and looked at them on the big screen. And I'm not posting them, at least for the moment. There is a certain way I feel when I run. Strong and svelte (if a little breathy). Checking out the closeups I experienced a bit of the body dysmorphia I've blogged about before. I looked strong enough, but not so svelte, quite a bit awkward, and my mouth gaping open like a freaking fish (not to mention my hair looks really bizarre with the way the wind was styling it). SMACK. Reality DOES bite. So for now, although I really appreciate Clint taking the pictures, I'm not ready to air them. I REALLY need a better jog bra, that is one thing that's clear. Any recommendations from other D+ girls out there?

Suicidal

OK, stop, put down the phone, don't call 911. It's just that Sgt. Romeo (NOT HIS REAL NAME) made us do suicides this morning. A lot of them. And they are NOT my favorite thing. I also discovered that while I prefer it to be cold when I work out cause it helps me to not overheat, 27 degrees is a little TOO cold for my lungs so the asthma was definitely making itself known this morning. Ideally I'd like it to be between 35 and 55. If someone could make that happen consistently I'd really appreciate it. And doing sit ups on frozen ground is also NOT my favorite thing.

Anyway, I've officially hit the 10 lb mark on weight loss. I really think the weight I've lost over the past 3 days has probably not been healthily lost and I'll pay for it down the road. But it would be nice to stay here. I have a new goal, to get into a Size 10 suit that I've hung on to since high school because I love it so much even though I haven't fit into it since college sometime (that would be over a decade ago). It's navy, and classic, very tailored, with rhinestone buttons. I CAN actually get it on now, but it's got that whole bursting at the seams thing going on in the skirt so I'm not quite there yet.

Accountability

I probably won't be posting as much over the holidays, all of the other stuff in my life has got me pretty wrapped up at the moment but I do want to stay accountable. Went to bootcamp on Friday and really enjoyed a fun workout that involved having a "wingman" and calling out lines from "Top Gun". Always a good way to start the day! Saturday morning I made it to the first of the Georgia Half Marathon training runs that OBC has organized. I did 3.4 miles in 40 minutes which gives me an average pace of 11:46 which I'm pleased with (although I was right at the back of the pack, by quite a bit).

I've been feeling a bit under the weather and loading up on cold medicine so I didn't make it this morning. I'll have to make it up with a run on my own sometime. I've dropped a bit more weight, but then it could just be because I'm feeling sick and not eating, which I know isn't healthy. Still, although I know its silly and probably just temporary I can't help but feel that little burst of glee every time those numbers go down.

Sign Me UP!

Today I decided to enlist. This morning my ever versatile (and flexible!) boot camp instructors showed us what it was like to REALLY REALLY be in the army. Today, I ran in formation. While holding a rifle over my head. While singing cadences at the top of my lungs about how the Navy is for wimps and about how Army Rangers can dismantle gators with their bare hands. And while responding to commands to “FALL OUT” and drop and do 10 pushups and to “FALL IN” and reform our formation and continue running and then to sprint to the front of the pack and around the pack and back to the front all while the formation keeps moving forward. And A REAL HONEST TO GOODNESS RETIRED COLONEL ARMY RANGER GUY (Jojo’s Dad) jogged BACKWARDS next to us like it was NOTHIN!

So now I know how much FUN the army must be! And I was on such a high that I drove right over to the recruiting office!

Apparently though, I’m kinda old by army standards. And they have issues with poor eyesight and asthma. WHATEVAR!

Ok, its been a few hours. I guess I have to acknowledge that maybe it was actually a taste of Army LITE. Cause, technically speaking, we were only doing it for an hour. Not hours on end. And, if I must be honest, our rifles were really really lightweight. As in …… light as air. As in … Imaginary. And we didn’t even pretend to carry 30 lb packs on our backs. Or run through sand or jungle. Or get shot at.

But I definitely do not play enough pretend in my life and I TOTALLY need to remedy that because this morning REALLY REALLY was like the most fun I’ve had in WEEKS. (This may actually be kind of disturbing if I’d stop to think about it but I’m not going to disrupt this groove I’ve got going on!) I’ve had a stupid grin all day. Not only was my knee completely painless for the whole 3 miles but my shins and my calves were totally cool too. I hit that stride, I was keeping up with our pace setter just FINE! I was even able to encourage my formation partner who has a heart of steel and who tried her hardest to keep up. This is her first bootcamp and she reminds me a lot of me 3 months ago. And I tried my best to boost her here and there and I hope she knows how much she rocked it out! And I cracked a few jokes! And I shouted HOOAH with conviction and not a little pride.

Normally I don’t track mileage at boot camp because it doesn’t usually make sense but I did for this one because we did spend most of the hour in motion on a trackable route. If you check my training log you’ll see that our avg. pace seems slow but it included two stretching sessions, several push up breaks and a couple of side sprints that I didn’t track.

Looking forward to sharing this with my Dad tomorrow, I think he’ll really be amazed at how far his little bookworm has come!

On ice

Made it to bootcamp this morning, and had a great workout. I started off sort of gingerly, a bit afraid of my knee. It was still stiff but not as much as yesterday and it ended up performing like a champ! And I had a couple of cool revelations that had nothing to do with running.
1. I can now officially crab walk without major difficulty, and fairly quickly too! I do however refuse to sing "Under the Sea" while I'm doing it. Sorry Jojo!
2. I can now do rowboats the proper way, also fairly quickly (that's actually my secret plan of attack on all exercises that are hard, power through them as fast as possible so you don't have a chance to talk yourself into quitting. I know that isn't always an ideal approach!).
3. I can even do V-sits almost properly although I'm incapable of talking back to fellow campers who are marveling at my V-sit ability while I'm actually doing them. And laughing throws me off a bit.
4. I love planks. Not saying I want to do them all day, but they feel comfortable, like my body "fits" in that position.
5. Inchworms, squat jacks and other squatting/jumping exercises are not horrible anymore. I still hate burpees though. I think they will always be the brussel sprouts of exercise for me. Seriously, what possible purpose do brussel sprouts serve in this world? Being a southern girl I've even tried them fried. Nope. I will never force them on my child, ever. I will however endure 45 minutes (NOT KIDDING) of whining and "I'm dying . . . I'm choking . . ." tearful dramatics in order to bribe my child into eating 5 BABY CARROTS. Starting small . . . we'll get there! If only he could appreciate the fact that they weren't brussel sprouts!

After bootcamp was over, I did the exercises I read about for my inner quads. At first it felt really really easy, then that muscle would hit its wall like, ALL OF A SUDDEN and I just couldn't lift that leg again. It was kind of wierd. It didn't take long and I'm glad I just dropped to the ground and did them then, otherwise they probably wouldn't get done.

I'm icing now, not feeling any pain but I figure this just needs to be my routine so I don't get thrown off my training schedule again. In case anyone was wondering, my shins are doing great, but my calfs are sore as hell. But apparently that indicates that my gait is better now as sore calfs are normal, and MUCH more stretchable and resiliant than shins so that's good. I really think that shift is totally due to the Superfeet Insoles. Unfortunately the insoles are still giving me blisters inside my arch which is annoying but Jojo told me all about BodyGlide today . . . I'd like to meet the athlete that decided to use his or her "special" lubricant in a new way. Very very clever!

Getting pscyhed about my Dad coming to Bring a Friend day on Thursday! Go Dad! And now that I've proclaimed it to the world you can't back out!

Testing the Water

I’ve been spending a lot of time reading the blogs of some inspiring folks and fantasizing about other things I might be capable of doing someday. Some bloggers have come so far in so short a period that I’m compelled to back up to the start of the blog and read it from start to finish. I marvel at how unique and amazing they are and at the same time how like me they are in their fears and obsessions. And the doors in my mind just fly open. I did that with Half of Me (and I’m looking forward to her book in May) and now I’m doing it with Athena Diaries. I’ve read all of 2005 (where she started, like me, from a place where she avoided stairs and never exercised) and 2006 (which she ended with 20 sprint triathlons, 2 olympic distance triathlons, and 2 half ironman triathlons under her belt – in addition to some duathlons and assorted running races under her belt). WOW. Triathlons are officially really really cool and I officially am stating publicly that I want to do one . . . or more . . . someday. I have a tendency to get ahead of myself so I’ve faced the sobering fact that, thus far, my longest distance run was only 5 miles. Which is fine for a sprint tri, if I just skip the bike and the swim parts. And I’m scared of bikes. Well, not so much the bike itself as the fear of what bad things could happen to a person on a bike. And I don’t own a bike. And I’ve been on one exactly 10 minutes in the last 10 years and found it extremely uncomfortable in the saddle. And although I learned all the swimming strokes as a child and can still technically do them I have no access to an indoor Olympic sized pool and no place in the budget to purchase such access. And I should focus on my half in March, and on other races like that and maybe then on a full marathon before I complicate my life with the equipment and training schedule necessary for multisport racing.

But now I know that I’m not relegated to life behind a wall watching active people running away from me on the other side. And just about anything seems possible. And endurance sports appeal to me because from all of Athena’s race reports one thing that is really clear is that just finishing is really excellent, and respected, and there is lots of cheering. I know I will get faster but I just have a hunch that speed is not my game. But I can be dogged when I’m focused on something, and I’m not too pain sensitive (my husband will protest as he’s reading this but my freakout over cutting my finger on Thanksgiving was due to the idea of the knife cutting my skin…..I have a weird fear of all kinds of blades . . . not from the pain per se. And I did rise above and go on to cook a kick ass Thanksgiving dinner, something else I thought I couldn’t ever do).

In other news, I have a job, which really really really interferes with my other interests. I got stuck at said job till 4:45 am Wednesday morning (it was an off day for bootcamp so that was something at least) and was back up and working by 9:30 and worked a full day and just didn’t have it in me to run 2 miles on no sleep and very little food. So I’m a bit nervous about the fact that I haven’t run since Saturday and I won’t get the chance to run again until my race this Saturday. But that’s ok, I just want my number for my wall. I wish I could race every weekend but as I work on increasing distances the numbers don’t work out. Unless I could find one close enough to run to and run home from then maybe I could do it.

I drank more water than usual before bootcamp and ate a 140 calorie bar with 10g of protein and bootcamp went well. Instructor Deana was in charge and she is . . . . how shall I say . . . . INTENSE. I have no doubt I will hear her counting in my dreams tonight. We did 20/20/20 which involved 15 sets of sprinting, 100 pushups, 100 sit ups, 100 squats, 10 sets of various kinds of planks and assorted ab work, plus a jogging warm up and cool down. I wasn’t totally gung ho all the way through but I feel proud of how I did on some of the sprints (VERY middle of the pack, NOT so much back of the pack). And maintaining a plank is more restful now and less OMIGOSH MY BODY IS SHAKING SO HARD I CAN’T KEEP THIS UP than it used to be. My biggest problem was a wardrobe malfunction. My left breast decided it wanted to escape the confines of my bra and see the world. Or maybe it just wanted to punch me in the face and tell me to stop all this sprinting nonsense. Since I pretty much ignore the signals my legs are sending me to stop my body might just be getting creative in its attempts to communicate. I had to keep “adjusting” it back into the bra cup, luckily bootcampers are a tolerant group and no one called me out for it.

Still have received no CALL from my HAPPY HAPPY FUTURE. Looks like I’ll have to RSVP for the company holiday party after all.

Treading Water

Just feeling the urge to check in since it has been a few days but my mind has been drifting in and out of that dark twisty swampy place again and I hate to whine on my blog.

Saturday night I stayed up too late watching the Ironman Championship that I had recorded earlier in the day. I meant to just watch a few minutes to wind down but watched the entire 90 minutes because I couldn't tear myself away. I'm looking forward to my 8K this Saturday but I'm also starting to get excited about the bigger races I have coming up . . . the Christmas 5K in Virginia Highlands (1000 people), the St. Pete 10K in January (about 1200) and then the ING Georgia Half (15,000).
Sunday was my off day, and it was good but I missed church again which bugged me. I just HAD to sleep so I couldn't make the early service and I had too much planned for the afternoon to make the 10:30 service. So I'm feeling spiritually disconnected. I have been praying a lot more lately, especially while running, but I do really appreciate the ritual of church and without it I feel like something is missing. There is a St. Nick's event on Thursday which will include a eucharist so I don't have to wait until Sunday. I also got to make a quick appearance at Jojo's Birthday Brunch which was way cool. I don't think I KNOW as many people as Jojo had at her brunch, the girl is not ONLY bootylicious, she's popular too! And then it was off to see Santa at an event organized by my office. Clint was taking the pictures so I got to play elf/assistant and enjoy a few laughs at the foibles of small children. And then the grocery store. And then the day was like, OVER. *sigh*. I need some downtime, like a couple of days worth, not just a few hours where I feel like I should be doing something else.

Monday and Tuesday have been hellish at work. I'm drowning in ick cases that I don't like working on. I DO have cases I enjoy working on but several of my ick cases have had deadlines right on top of me all at once and its wearing me down. I got a nice reprieve in that I went to the Found v. Postsecret show on Monday night which was WAY COOL and very funny and moving all at the same time. I've added both sites to my favorites in the sidebar. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, check them out. NOW. I'll wait.

On the training front I did bootcamp Monday and Tuesday. Tomorrow is an off day on the bootcamp schedule but you're supposed to do something in its place. My current plan is to run my 2.3 mile route from my house just to keep everything limber. This morning during bootcamp I was experiencing a lot of pain and promised myself I'd take tomorrow off, but now the pain is gone and I want to do it again. See Mom, I don't listen to myself any better than I listen to you when you tell me not to do something!

Speaking of the pain, I always have much more lower leg pain at bootcamp than I do when running outside of bootcamp. I used to think it was the difference between high intensity bursts that we often do at bootcamp and steady jogging that I do on my own. But we often jog in bootcamp too and this morning I deliberately held myself to a comfortable jogging pace (which also meant I wasn't running as far since I stayed at the back and avoided extra run backs) and I still hurt. The ONLY thing that is ALWAYS different between bootcamp and my other runs is that I never eat before bootcamp and I always eat before other runs, even if it is just a 150 calorie energy bar. I was not eating before bootcamp because I wanted to burn the maximum amount of fat, but maybe, especially since I frequently go to bed a little hungry, I'm just in pain because my body is underfueled? I also don't hydrate as much, I wake up, drink about 6-8 oz of water and go. I'm always afraid I'll have to pee, and the workout is less than an hour so I don't drink during it. Seriously, the difference in how I feel running on non-bootcamp days when I've had an energy bar or a bowl of kashi is like night and day. Any experienced people think this might be the missing link? I'll experiment by eating a little something Thursday morning.

Christmas is rushing towards us like a runaway train. Lets see, we know what our son's big present will be, but now how we'll pay for it. Other than that, I haven't even figured out where we hid the Christmas decorations when we moved. I think they're under the stairs. Behind the giant heavy piece of workout equipment that "conveniently" folds up for storage but not so conveniently weighs about 800 lbs so that you are done with your workout by the time you have pulled it out and broken your toe trying to unfold it. Oh, and I've thought about calling Merry Maids to do the final house clean before the relatives arrive as a present to myself but I haven't done that yet and I have NO idea what is a reasonable price for that sort of thing.

My own Christmas list bemuses me. Last year I wanted a robe, and a pair of boots. I got both (in fact I'm wearing the boots right now) and they were both very nice. This year my Christmas list includes a Garmin Forerunner 205, reflective running gear, running clothes (including wicking underwear . . . it sounds so dreamy!), and books like The Nonrunners Marathon Guide for Women and Slow, Fat Triathlete. What does everyone else want for Christmas or Hanukkah or the Holiday season?

Little Bunny NOT Foo

I really did go to camp this morning believing it was possible to have two great workouts in a row. Apparently I at least sub consciously knew what was coming because at the last minute I decided to wear my Little Bunny Foo Foo t-shirt courtesy of artist Ronnie Land (same design as above, you can purchase the magnet on his website). So I shouldn't have been suprised when I saw the pile of jump ropes.

I AM improving. Now, in my THIRD bootcamp I can occasionally manage to get both of my feet off the ground at the same time but it is extremely challenging. And very hard on my poor shins (the SuperFeet insoles are designed to cushion more for the heel strike of running, not for hopping on your toes or full footed). So I spent more of this workout grimacing and cranky and less of it blissfully at one with the universe than I did yesterday.

I actually have a sneaking suspicion that the workouts that feel like they suck might just suck because they make me work harder than I want to, and that the ones that rock are actually just rocking because they are full on in my comfort zone. I dunno, its just a sneaking suspicion. Not so in my face yet that I can't happily kick it to the curb.

I also touched base with Tim about my plan to try and run 5 miles around the base of Stone Mountain tomorrow. He thought it was a great idea because it is such excellent HILL training. This, you will be amazed to discover, was actually a SHOCK to me. Yes, I've said that I was topography challenged in the past but this probably will convince you once and for all. Because although I realize that Stone Mountain is a huge piece of granite sticking out of the ground (and a place I have been countless times) I for some reason was absolutely convinced that the road around its base was perfectly flat, all logic and prior experience not withstanding. Tim said it is a great course to train on for the Georgia Half though, and he gave me permission to walk some of it if I absolutely have to (cause I really need permission from other people, I don't like to give it to myself). So, its still my official plan. I'm accepting volunteers to come hang out along the road and cheer me on. Apparently all the elves I requested are too busy making toys or some such nonsense.

Supafly on Supafeet Dancing with the Red Red Dawn

Somedays you just need a moisture wicking sequined jumpsuit in which to run and workout. Wow. It’s amazing. Just when I find myself becoming seriously motivationally challenged . . . (and this morning I had to practically slap myself into getting out of bed, I tried and tried to talk myself out of it) . . . somehow everything coalesces into an absolutely delicious workout where you feel strong AND cute AND fast AND just IN TUNE with your body and your surroundings and your peeps and everything just works so well that you feel like periodically laughing out loud. Believe me, I have so many, “well that was good, I should be proud of myself, but it wasn’t really buckets of fun either” days and occasional, “that was torture, why am I doing this, I’ll NEVER get better, I’m not worthy” days so I KNOW what a jewel a morning like this morning was.

The air was so crisp and clear this morning. And we did 12 Pack, which is hands down, along with Guts & Guns, one of my FAVORITE boot camp workouts. It’s just perfectly paced for me I think. And Heidi was there (one of the FOUNDERS of Operation Bootcamp) and it was really cool to see her there and to remember the last time she came to a Candler Park bootcamp workout was on my VERY first day and she and Jeff and her dog Casper had kindly nursed me through that agonizing and endless FIRST MILE on this journey. Ok, truth be told Casper had totally scoffed at me for not being able to go faster, but I won’t hold it against him. He’s cute and fluffy. Anyway, I loved having the opportunity to show off for her, and I was a total show boat (although hopefully it wasn’t annoyingly obvious). Running strong, extra mindful of my form on all the exercises. Whether she paid attention or not (and she did have some very nice compliments for me on my progress, thanks Heidi) I enjoyed seeing myself through her eyes. I really am changing. I am capable. I am not stuck. I am not resigned to just daydreaming about feeling strong and healthy.

Everything about being outside this morning was such a treat too. The moon and stars were so clear, and the patterns of clouds scudding at a runners pace across the sky just fit with my spirit at the time. Dawn was a gorgeous and unrepentant shade of red in the sky, with the newly naked trees appearing to greet the rising of the sun with arms raised. And we laughed a lot today. And Tim and Jojo wore flashing light up antlers and flashing light up candy canes respectively.

And, although I don’t want to get TOO excited yet, I’m cautiously optimistic that the SuperFeet insoles that Tim recommended really are going to help with my shin pain. My shins bothered me so much yesterday that I nixed the idea for a short run in the evening. This morning, with the new insoles, they weren’t completely pain free but they were much less troublesome than I expected, which also contributed to my ability to really enjoy myself. So we’ll see how it goes. They do feel weird, the arch feels like its too far back in my foot but the guidebook says that’s normal, its just that I’ve likely not been getting support in the right places before. They aren’t uncomfortable at all, just feel a bit strange still. I’ll keep you posted.

Planning on a 5 mile run this Saturday, possibly on the loop around the base of Stone Mountain because it would be a nice change of scenery and it is just about exactly 5 miles to do the loop one time. I have a pet peeve about back tracking, when driving, walking or running. I’m a big fan of loops. I was also excited to hear the announcement this morning that Bootcamp will be organizing some group long runs to train for the Georgia Half, that will really help me a lot. Honestly, although I hope to someday be as worried about letting myself down as I am about letting other people down, it REALLY helps to know that Jojo and Tim and my fellow campers would miss me and worry about me if I stopped coming. It was that more than anything that won my argument with myself this morning about getting out of bed. I’m so thankful that they’re there to keep that door propped open, even when I sometimes try to duck back through it the wrong way.

Ok, I’ve added some new blogs to the blog roll. And I’ve added a FAVORITES section that I’ll use for cool non blog stuff. I’ve linked to my training log on mapmyrun.com so I can be accountable to everyone who reads this!

Finally, one of the blogs I added was Kate Harding’s very popular Shapely Prose. Everyone MUST read this post: The Fantasy of Being Thin. Very thought provoking, and much of it very true for me.

Breaking Records

Just my own, but still, I'm worried I'm getting a bit complacent about the fact that I break my own records every time I run under timed conditions. As you can see in the side bar I took another 2:09 off my 5K time at the Paideia Slither this past Saturday. The amount of time I drop each run is less each time and I intellectually understand that eventually I will plateau and I might even go long on some runs due to conditions or the course or me not being ready. At that point I will have to overcome the urge to stop trying. But, that point hasn't come yet and it is a ton of fun to shave the minutes off in the meantime!

The Paideia Slither was much hillier than I anticipated (and it was hillier than the Kids Chance which makes it extra suprising that I ran it so much faster!). It was also VERY cold at the start, and although I tried to stretch some I was afraid to stretch too much given how cold my muscles were. But I do like running in the cold, and I had stripped off my jacket and my gloves by the time we passed the first mile marker. Yes, I said "we" because one of my bestest childhood friends ever, Katy, ran with me! I encouraged her to not slow herself down to stay with me but as it turns out (although she's an accomplished runner with a few half marathons under her belt) she hasn't run in quite a while so I apparently wasn't too painfully slow for her. I was a little nervous about the prospect of someone running "with" me. I knew that even if I was capable of chatting through the race I probably wouldn't feel like it. Running is an intensely mental game for me. But Katy was GREAT. She matched herself to my pace and didn't make me feel anxious about running where I was comfortable. She has some sort of wierd malady which makes her feel the need to talk a LOT while she runs. But she stressed to me that I absolutely did NOT need to respond, she wouldn't be offended. So, sure enough, other than the occasional affirmation from me Katy kept up a pretty steady monologue throughout the race which I found quite pleasant and distracting from the fear I always have that I'm just steps away from walking. And she was instrumental in pushing me to find some sprint power at the end to make it to the finish at 34:00 minutes when I really felt like it was impossible.

So we averaged 10.83 minutes per mile, which is so much faster than the 12:14 minutes it took me to run just one mile on October 5 when I was running flat out for my first end of bootcamp PT test. The speed with which I'm improving is astonishing to me. It's like my body is all of a sudden "getting" it, on some sort of cellular level. I wonder if averaging 8:31 per mile will ever be possible on a 5K?

Sorry no photos yet. I PROMISE to get on it this evening, we were just too busy catching up from Clint's trip yesterday evening. There is a picture of me and Chase with my trophy and a picture I took of my "wall of numbers" in my closet. I also took a picture of the blisters I developed during the Kids Chance run because I was really proud of them but I've since decided not to gross you all out. No blisters at that Paideia race so my "new" shoes are officially broken in. As I suspected, my shins hurt at the start of the race but stopped hurting once I was warm, and then were sore and tender after the race. But they didn't hurt during the race like they do during bootcamp so I think it has to do with intensity or perhaps my form when I'm jogging as opposed to sprinting.

So my current plan is to rest this entire week although I'm already feeling kind of grossed out by that plan (wierd huh?) so I may do some stretching and strength exercises at least. And maybe I'll go for a short jog, I want to map out some routes around my house. I'd love to run a race a week but that could get ridiculously expensive! I want to give my legs at least 4 days off though so that my shins and my right hamstring (which has been tight since last week's sprint day at bootcamp) can fully recover. And then Bootcamp III starts next Monday!

RESULTS SHOW II

OK, I'm tight on time at the moment but I'm again without internet access at home this weekend so I wanted to at least give a quick post to commemorate completing my second bootcamp!

I ran my little heart out this morning and handily beat my goal of a 9 minute mile by 29 whole seconds! Yep, my fastest mile time is now 8:31, which was a 1:12 improvement over October 22. I was actually suprised to see such a big drop, now I'm determined to get under 8 minutes!

Didn't see such huge improvements in the other tests. My second best improvement was in push ups and I did the exact same number of sit ups. I really crank them out and I think I'm almost maxed on the physical number of times my body can make that motion in a minute at 39. Although one of my instructors says he maxes out at 45 so I'd like to at least squeeze 6 more in there!

My husband is in Tuscany for work and keeps complaining about all the hours the clients are making him sit down and eat 6 course meals. I'm SO excited about him gaining weight. I'm evil. But seriously, all he has to do to drop 10lbs is think about it hard so don't feel too sorry for him!

BIG THANKS to my friend Shane and my Dad who slept over at my house this week so that I could make boot camp in the mornings. It is CONCRETE support like that which makes ALL the difference. I'm really blessed to have it from so many quarters.

I'll find some way to check back in tomorrow after the Paideia 5K and I promise to post a picture of me with my trophy once my husband gets back with the laptop!

I've removed the "Goal Weight" from my sidebar. The more I thought about it the more I realized that I wasn't really focused on that at all. My goal was an arbitrary number that I vaguely remember weighing almost a decade ago. I may add a "goal inches" category but I was too lazy to measure myself at the start of bootcamp so I'll have to call Jenny Craig and get the measurements they took of me back in May and compare them to now. And then I'll have to resist the lure of Jenny Craig. I really do love their food. It's hard to resist the convenience but I know that I want to eat fresher more REAL foods from here on out.

One final note: my underwear is too big. Luckily its too cold to be wearing skirts without pantyhose or I'd be risking an unfortunate incident. Maybe that's what happened to Brittany? Maybe she inadvertently danced her panties right off! I've got some Victoria's Secret coupons but I'm a little nervous about using them . . . on the one hand, I might love how I look in everything and I'll buy half the store. On the other hand, I might still get over critical and devolve into a ball of self-loathing in the dressing room. I THINK I've developed some resistance to the second scenario but just not sure yet.

Passing through Between

I missed bootcamp again yesterday morning. I initially went to sleep Monday night but something woke me after only an hour and I began to mentally and emotionally freak out over various issues in my life. I was borderline panic attack for half the night. I kept counseling myself to breathe and to focus on what IS good in my life but it was a very long and challenging night. I finally dropped off just a bit before my bootcamp alarm clock went off. I was scheduled to spend the day assisting my boss and it would have been very very bad for me to have dozed off during all the sitting and listening that my day would involve. So I opted to get the extra two hours of sleep. I don’t think that was the wrong decision but I kept having this nagging feeling that I had forgotten something all day. And I hated feeling so subject to the whims of my night terrors, irrational or rational.

My day involved a trip to Monroe, GA. To get to Monroe, I had to drive through a town called Between. I passed the Between Grocery. The Between Baptist Church. Ho Hum Hollow Rd. I wondered what it was like to live in Between. Do people actually settle in Between? How do they cope with living in Between? Don’t they worry that they should be further up the road . . . or further back down the other way? Are they trying to avoid rocks and other assorted hard places?

Perhaps I should move there. I live in a constant state of Between. Between things I’m fleeing and things I’m running toward. Will I ever get THERE, wherever THERE is? Even if I do, I suspect I’ll still feel in Between, because there is always something further away that I want. Am I simply a wanderer, in a good way, who thrives on the next personal project, the next goal? Or am I actually lost in a place called Between? Incapable of finding fulfillment where I am? Perhaps there’s more to appreciate on Ho Hum Hollow Rd. in Between than I realized.

Last night I slept like the dead. And was wide awake by 5:05 am and on my way. Part of me secretly still expects me to give up on this particular journey. Its always a relief, and a bit of a surprise, especially after a stumble or a step back, to thwart that expectation.