Just a quick 2 mile run . . . .

Ok, I was good on Saturday. Even though my knee wasn't bothering me AT ALL. I WANTED it to hurt a bit because then I would have felt better about missing the race. Honestly, had it been an intown race I might have gone but by the time I realized it wasn't hurting AT ALL (did I mention that?) it was too late to get to the start on time. With missing the race and other issues which I won't go into here, Saturday was completely exhausting and overwhelming emotionally. By Sunday morning I was such a torrent of just overwroughtness (I'm making that a word if it isn't one already) on the inside that I was worried about just exploding. I slept in. I went to church. Church was soothing but it wasn't enough and I still felt so tightly wound that I avoided actually speaking to anyone at church which kinda defeats the purpose of being part of a worship community. But hey, I did what I could handle at the time. When I got home I just had to run. HAD TO RUN. Or destroy something. I decided I'd run up my street to the end of it, which is exactly .5 miles from my front door. If my knee started bothering me I'd turn around and walk back. Not unreasonable. At the .5 mile point my knee was not bothering me, so I continued on my 2.3 mile route. It was actually pretty tough because my left leg muscles were still annoyed about Friday and so my left leg was just generally tight and achy (even after stretching) and it was the middle of the day, sunny, and in the upper 70's. NOT my favorite conditions. But it was just enough of a distance to mollify my inner demons and I felt SO much better when I was done.

The urgency I felt is what I imagine a drug addict feels looking for the next fix. I described it to my doctor this morning and she was so excited that I'm addicted to exercise. I'm excited too, although I still routinely step outside myself for a minute and don't recognize what I see. I have moments where I think so much of the last 3 months have been some sort of fantasy, or a waking day dream, or just an old fashioned dream I haven't woken up from yet like in a soap opera.

This morning I could not wake up, my alarm beeped extra long as I incorporated the sound into my dream instead of waking for it. My knee wasn't hurting per se but it felt very stiff and there is some pain when I bend it all the way. I always check the weather with my blackberry before I get out of bed and when I read that the humidity was 95% I bailed. I feel a little bad about it but I'm not beating myself up. I'm tired. Like bone tired all over through and through tired. I know bootcamp would have probably given me a burst of energy but it just didn't feel right this morning.

At the doctor I couldn't replicate the pain I felt on Friday, and the area that hurt then wasn't tender to her touch. What WAS tender to her touch was my IT Band. OUCH! I about jumped off the table when she pressed on it. So she diagnosed me with ITBS, gave me some material which included special stretches, and told me to continue icing and ibuprofen and listening to my body. I'm still concerned that I may be dealing with Chondromalacia (inflammation of the cartilage under the kneecap) based on the symptoms I had Friday but she pointed out that the treatment is essentially the same. I've done some more research and I also need to do some focused strengthening of the inner quad muscles. In running those muscles aren't developed as much and it creates an imbalance than can lead to or exacerbate both ITBS and Chondromalacia. Anyway, she did lots of manipulation of both knees and moved them around in some interesting ways. Both of them made some popping noises, the right more than the left, but there wasn't any pain associated with the noises and since it is on both sides she said it could just be the way I'm built but that I need to be mindful of it and come in immediately if I experience any locking of the joint.

On the positive side my blood pressure is finally down. Since I JUST started my new meds she wants me to come back in a few weeks to check in again and to make sure my bloodwork is still normal.

So, I'll keep looking forward, stop catastrophizing, and maybe learn to use a run/walk gait when I need to. Group Operation Bootcamp training for the Half starts this Saturday. I'm excited but also hoping I'm not the only slow one!

AAAAAAARRRRRRRARRRRARRRRAAAHHHHH

Betrayal. Yesterday, Thursday, I noticed, maybe two times, a sharp pain under my right kneecap. Each time as soon as I took my weight off my right leg it went away. And since it only happened twice in an hour that included a lot of sprinting I actually forgot about it later in the day.

Today it complained more loudly. I would still get several running steps in with no problem and then . . . randomly . . . WHAMMO and I’d gasp and take my weight off quickly. So I got slower and slower, putting that right foot down more and more gingerly and letting my left leg do most of the work. It’s pretty annoyed right now. . . I can imagine my two legs arguing like kids in the back seat. “So . . . you just had to go and do something nutty to get mom’s attention and now I’VE got to be the ‘good’ leg and hold this body together!”

I can’t slip much past my bootcamp instructors and they started asking me how I was doing. I finally confessed and Jojo started giving me modified options. Backpedaling when going uphill, lunge walking instead of jumping, that sort of thing. Then Heidi checked in. And got VERY STERN with me. I started to get all whiny…. “But there’s this 8K race tomorrow . . . and I just HAVE to run it!” And Heidi threatened to come to my house. She never said what she would do at my house (and since Heidi is really cool she’d certainly be welcome anytime) but it was implied that she would bodily keep me from going to the race. She told me about her friend who experienced a “random stabbing pain” in his knee and decided to “tough it out” and run a race. He ended up with 3 surgeries and lost his ability to run EVER AGAIN.

Ok, wait a second, I’M the catastrophizer around here! I have a doctor’s appointment already scheduled on Monday. I fantasized about getting into a doctor today and being told that I was just being silly but that turned out to not be possible. I’ve iced it and taken anti-inflammatories. I started thinking that maybe I could lay low, ice a lot, take a lot of pills and “just try” tomorrow. The next time I got up from my seat it started twinging while I was just walking. It clearly is trying to get its point across.

Despair. I feel like someone has kidnapped my puppy and is dangling him over a precipice. Running and bootcamp are really the ONLY things going well in my life right now. With everything else I’m mostly just putting on a good act. If this is something that will require me to stop running for more than just a few days I . . . . I don’t know. The road is the thread keeping me together at the moment. The fear of not being able to run is crushing me.

I know I jumped in the deep end. After years of inactivity I have put my muscles through some serious abuse for which they were wholly unprepared. I think I may have diagnosed myself through Dr. Google. If I’m right the treatment involves rest, then physical therapy to strengthen the muscles that guide and hold the kneecap. And it may be chronic, something I’ll battle from here on out. But I’ll keep doing the ice, and the anti-inflammatories, and the rest and I’ll give the Dr. her say on Monday. Not going to this race tomorrow makes me feel like I’m standing myself up at the prom. Not going to the race hurts as much, if not more so, than my knee. And I know its only one race. But I’m so afraid of the possibilities. I don’t want to see the beginning of the end.

Treading Water

Just feeling the urge to check in since it has been a few days but my mind has been drifting in and out of that dark twisty swampy place again and I hate to whine on my blog.

Saturday night I stayed up too late watching the Ironman Championship that I had recorded earlier in the day. I meant to just watch a few minutes to wind down but watched the entire 90 minutes because I couldn't tear myself away. I'm looking forward to my 8K this Saturday but I'm also starting to get excited about the bigger races I have coming up . . . the Christmas 5K in Virginia Highlands (1000 people), the St. Pete 10K in January (about 1200) and then the ING Georgia Half (15,000).
Sunday was my off day, and it was good but I missed church again which bugged me. I just HAD to sleep so I couldn't make the early service and I had too much planned for the afternoon to make the 10:30 service. So I'm feeling spiritually disconnected. I have been praying a lot more lately, especially while running, but I do really appreciate the ritual of church and without it I feel like something is missing. There is a St. Nick's event on Thursday which will include a eucharist so I don't have to wait until Sunday. I also got to make a quick appearance at Jojo's Birthday Brunch which was way cool. I don't think I KNOW as many people as Jojo had at her brunch, the girl is not ONLY bootylicious, she's popular too! And then it was off to see Santa at an event organized by my office. Clint was taking the pictures so I got to play elf/assistant and enjoy a few laughs at the foibles of small children. And then the grocery store. And then the day was like, OVER. *sigh*. I need some downtime, like a couple of days worth, not just a few hours where I feel like I should be doing something else.

Monday and Tuesday have been hellish at work. I'm drowning in ick cases that I don't like working on. I DO have cases I enjoy working on but several of my ick cases have had deadlines right on top of me all at once and its wearing me down. I got a nice reprieve in that I went to the Found v. Postsecret show on Monday night which was WAY COOL and very funny and moving all at the same time. I've added both sites to my favorites in the sidebar. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, check them out. NOW. I'll wait.

On the training front I did bootcamp Monday and Tuesday. Tomorrow is an off day on the bootcamp schedule but you're supposed to do something in its place. My current plan is to run my 2.3 mile route from my house just to keep everything limber. This morning during bootcamp I was experiencing a lot of pain and promised myself I'd take tomorrow off, but now the pain is gone and I want to do it again. See Mom, I don't listen to myself any better than I listen to you when you tell me not to do something!

Speaking of the pain, I always have much more lower leg pain at bootcamp than I do when running outside of bootcamp. I used to think it was the difference between high intensity bursts that we often do at bootcamp and steady jogging that I do on my own. But we often jog in bootcamp too and this morning I deliberately held myself to a comfortable jogging pace (which also meant I wasn't running as far since I stayed at the back and avoided extra run backs) and I still hurt. The ONLY thing that is ALWAYS different between bootcamp and my other runs is that I never eat before bootcamp and I always eat before other runs, even if it is just a 150 calorie energy bar. I was not eating before bootcamp because I wanted to burn the maximum amount of fat, but maybe, especially since I frequently go to bed a little hungry, I'm just in pain because my body is underfueled? I also don't hydrate as much, I wake up, drink about 6-8 oz of water and go. I'm always afraid I'll have to pee, and the workout is less than an hour so I don't drink during it. Seriously, the difference in how I feel running on non-bootcamp days when I've had an energy bar or a bowl of kashi is like night and day. Any experienced people think this might be the missing link? I'll experiment by eating a little something Thursday morning.

Christmas is rushing towards us like a runaway train. Lets see, we know what our son's big present will be, but now how we'll pay for it. Other than that, I haven't even figured out where we hid the Christmas decorations when we moved. I think they're under the stairs. Behind the giant heavy piece of workout equipment that "conveniently" folds up for storage but not so conveniently weighs about 800 lbs so that you are done with your workout by the time you have pulled it out and broken your toe trying to unfold it. Oh, and I've thought about calling Merry Maids to do the final house clean before the relatives arrive as a present to myself but I haven't done that yet and I have NO idea what is a reasonable price for that sort of thing.

My own Christmas list bemuses me. Last year I wanted a robe, and a pair of boots. I got both (in fact I'm wearing the boots right now) and they were both very nice. This year my Christmas list includes a Garmin Forerunner 205, reflective running gear, running clothes (including wicking underwear . . . it sounds so dreamy!), and books like The Nonrunners Marathon Guide for Women and Slow, Fat Triathlete. What does everyone else want for Christmas or Hanukkah or the Holiday season?