Radominity

The image is a 2D model of something called a "Random Walk", apparently it is a mathematical theory which says that past stock performance is NOT predictive of future stock performance. For me, right now, I find that soothing.

So, I've been gone from the blog for a while. As I have hinted in the past, there are some heavy things happening in my life right now. I'm starting to share with folks in my life but, for reasons which will be clear later, I can't be completely open with it yet. And because the nature of these issues are sort of all consuming, it is hard to blog without ever mentioning it. So I've been just avoiding this place lately, which is hard because it is my nature to wear my heart on my sleeve. And there hasn't been any bootcamp for the past two weeks so I haven't had an automatic feed of other material to talk about. In fact, until yesterday, I went an entire week with no exercise at ALL. After my 5 mile run on the 29th I committed myself to sitting on my ass until Operation Boot Camp's saturday training run lured me off the couch yesterday. Actually, I can say that I INTENTIONALLY took a recovery week but that wouldn't be true. I kept meaning to get up. And it kept not happening. Thank God for my OBC friends. Maybe someday I'll be totally self-motivated in this whole fitness arena, but for now knowing that they'll worry if I don't show up is sometimes all that gets me there.

But I also learned that recovery may not be a bad thing. I took 4 days off after Thanksgiving and when I ran 2 miles afterwards it was HARD. So I got it in my head that I can't take time off without making everything harder. I honestly think now that those 4 days just weren't enough then. I've been pushing myself really hard since September 10. I was really nervous that I'd totally fall apart trying to run 6 miles this Saturday after doing nothing for a week. But lo and behold, I had a great run! On the HILLIEST course I've ever encountered. I even beat my 5 mile time from the previous week by 2 minutes with MUCH tougher hills. And, other than muscle fatigue, I think this was the first run I've ever had with NO PAIN at all. My shins didn't hurt, my calves didn't hurt, my knees didn't even hurt. Now I think I understand what tapering is all about!

Bootcamp IV starts tomorrow but I'm typing this from a hotel lobby in Milledgeville, GA so I won't make it. I'm thinking about trying to do it on my own but I'm not super comfortable running by myself before dark in a strange area so I might have to try out the treadmill they have here.

Some Random thoughts:

Snot gloves rock. I've since learned that these are not news, but when I found my Under Armor running gloves at REI after Christmas and read on the tag that the fleece patches on the back of the thumb and index finger were specifically for wiping your nose I was convinced they had been designed specifically for me! What a great idea!!!!

Target has stopped carrying my jog bra. Although I've realized I really should get something more heavy duty these bras were awesome, and great for wearing under regular clothes too. AND only $9.99 to boot! So Target discontinued them. ARGH.

Kroger has stopped carrying my favorite protein bars. Is this a freaking conspiracy????

I was shaving my legs in the shower last week and as I ran my hand up the front of my shin I got a fright. There was this wierd lump that ran up the front of my shin when I had my foot flexed. I checked the other leg too. WIERD. Yeah, I finally figured it out. I have KICK ASS SHIN MUSCLES! Now I can't stop flexing my lower legs to admire and caress my shin and calf muscles. Narcissitic I know, but I've NEVER had muscles pop there like they're popping now!

As I said, my 6 mile run yesterday ROCKED. I was DFL as usual but it was such a good run I didn't care. I started out WAY too fast, talking (well mostly listening) to my buddy Doug and keeping up with him on the mostly downhill first mile. Then I realized I was running at a sub 11 minute pace and that I was gonna be in trouble if I didn't back off. It was wierd, the first mile was SO easy that I didn't feel like I had to work at all until into the second mile. For Atlantans the course included the big hill by the hospital on Clairemont AND the length of N. Superior Ave. (which is like being transported to San Francisco). The elevation chart on this court was a little nutty. Jojo joined me from about 2.5 miles on and kept me entertained the rest of the way. I took right at 1 hour 16 minutes for my 6 miles, which MIGHT translate into a sub 3 hour half marathon come March. I've been tickled ever since. Later yesterday we had to go to a friend's house for a housewarming over in West End. We live on the opposite side of town but not a great distance. Google said it was an 11 mile trip. I chuckled, their house seems so far because the city is between us but I had run over half the distance on my own two feet! I realize that jogging down I-20 probably isn't wise but 11 miles no longer seems scary. I'm reading Slow, Fat Triathlete right now (which I recommend) and the author talks about sneaking up on long distances. Don't start out thinking about 13 miles or 26 miles. Just think about one mile further than what you've run before. A mile always seems attainable.

So, anyway, I'll be more connected this week now that bootcamp is back on. And I'll be sharing more as it becomes appropriate. Thanks as always for all of your encouraging comments, they really do mean so much even when I'm not good about returning the favor.

Here we go . . .

Most all of my favorite bloggers are doing posts about the end of 2007 and the rise of 2008. Last year I was wholly resistant to any sort of resolutions, I had a lifetime of failed ones behind me and it just seemed cruel to heap what was sure to be more failures upon my own head. Perhaps a committment to not setting myself up for failure WAS a victory of sorts for me. The endless cycle of failing to meet my own goals and then hating myself for it was crippling me. And it wasn't that I didn't know how to break my goals into baby steps, I did. But I would still talk myself into believing that they weren't important, that I didn't deserve them, and that none of it really mattered. And then the year would wear on and I'd internalize how worthless I was for abandoning goals which, objectively speaking, would have been good for me.

My resolutions were always centered on what I SHOULD be doing. Because I didn't think I could be happy until I was the person that I SHOULD be. A thin person. A fit person. An organized person who just straightens up and puts away and doesn't suffer from CHAOS (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome - www.flylady.net). Someone who irons her clothes and NEVER NEVER fishes out something from the dirty clothes pile to wear if it doesn't smell. Someone who sends out Christmas cards and remembers birthdays with thoughtful homemade gifts. Someone who decorates appropriately and charmingly for each holiday. Someone who keeps frozen casseroles on hand for other people's tragedies. Someone who NEVER NEVER suggests a shorter book for her son to read at bedtime so that she can get back to the couch and mindless tv faster. Someone who reads for enlightenment and remembers to pray at the appointed times. Someone who doesn't go through the motions ever but always does things with intention and feeling and gratitude. Someone who loves her family unconditionally, even when they drive her mad, and shows her love and patience no matter what. Someone who doesn't get snarky and gossippy about other peoples misfortunes just because it makes herself feel a bit better knowing that other people struggle too. Because someone not at all like that doesn't DESERVE happiness. It's like in college when there was this REALLY REALLY cool class on the schedule and the description just embodied everything you were interested in and excited about but you couldn't take it without 15 horrible prerequisites or the special permission of the instructor.

So, here goes. I hereby give myself special permission. F*&K the prerequisites.

For 2008 I will laugh more. I will cry more. I'll wallow in chocolate fondue every now and then. I will try new restaurants. I will go dancing. I will make it to the finish line on March 30. I will make it to more movies and I will argue with my friends about them over coffee. I will buy myself some cute new clothes (actually, got a jump start on that yesterday). I will walk into more job interviews knowing that they'd be damn lucky to have me. I will plan my next tattoo just because I enjoy them. I will play more. I will focus on ridiculousness. I will not assume that my son's future is doomed and that I'm a terrible mother if he talks back to me. I will treat myself as I treat others. With tolerance and forgiveness. When I fail to do that, I will try again. I will live like the badass that I am.

Brought to you by the Number 5!

I didn't run yesterday (Friday). And I didn't get up in time to make it to the start of the 5 mile group run organized by bootcamp. It was too warm for my liking, about 98% humidity and I wasn't feeling it this morning, not even one little bit. But I just switched myself to "RUN" mode and did my best to alternatively ignore and silence the nagging little voice that kept telling me that maybe I'm just a 5K kinda girl and that a half marathon wouldn't be THAT cool to finish. I took a LONG time to get ready to head out the door which was my only concession to the voice's constant droning. I took my 4 mile route from home and modified it to make it a 5.3 mile loop. I finally got out the door and on my way. SLOWLY and HEAVILY and with a lot of unnecessary whining from that same voice through the first mile. It was not an easy run, but it was doable, into the second mile I realized that I would finish 5 miles and would walk the last .3 to cool down and stretch my legs. It would take me awhile but my conviction that it was definitely doable finally shut up the inner whiner.

Truth be told, even though I did do the Stone Mountain loop several weeks ago according to mapmyrun it was just about 4.8 so now I can honestly say, based on my frighteningly accurate new Garmin, that I have now really really run 5 miles. The last mile was a bit torturous but once you get past halfway it just seems tragic to stop so I just kept setting goals up ahead and then when I'd reach them I'd glance at the Garmin and see how much further I had to go. Just .8, just .45, just .3, just .22, just .15 etc. By the end I was checking when I passed every other mailbox. My breathing was fine, but my legs were DONE and I started walking as soon as that magic number 5 appeared.

The walking was DELICIOUS. My legs almost felt like they were purring as I slowly and languidly stretched them forward in long graceful strides. I think I'll try and build a little walking cool down into the end of my runs from now on.

I'm continuing to drop pounds, down by 12 now. Wearing a pair of denim crop pants that used to give me MAJOR muffin top but which now feel almost roomy. Take THAT Holiday Bulge. Really, I've been eating small quantities I guess, but I haven't been censoring what I eat. I've had my fair share of chocolate, I've been drinking moderately, I haven't been eating my veggies and I've been really having to work to get protein in with all the sugar and starch lying around the kitchen.
MMMMM, that reminds me, the pumpkin pie (with rum) is calling . . . .

Running Girl

Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas! I made out really well, got my Garmin Forerunner 205, some really cool North Face Running tights, an REI running top, wicking underwear, reflective safety stuff and some really sweet inspirational stuff. Santa brought my son the battery powered four wheeler he wanted so its been fun to watch him tooling around the back yard with the dogs alternately being chased and chasing it.

Yesterday I had an appointment with a new therapist. As my Aunt pointed out I really can't blog so much about how depressed I am and not expect my family to worry. So I'm bolstering my support network, leaning on my friends and mentally preparing myself for what I expect to be a challenging 2008. My new therapist's office is 2.08 miles from my front door. As I sat at work midday berating myself for not getting up early and running that morning it suddenly dawned on me that I could go home early and run to my therapy appointment! This was nothing short of an earth shattering realization. Running for fitness was an insane idea when I first contemplated it. How crazy would it be to run somewhere as a mode of transportation???? To use my feet as the ancients did, simply to propel myself from one location to another???? HOW COOL!!!! It is unfortunately an impractical choice a lot of the time, after this week my therapy appointments will be right before or right after work. But since no one was in my office anyway I could leave early enough to go home and do it this time, so I did.

I put on ALL my new running gear (right down to the underwear). The REI top seemed deceptively light weight but it actually turned out to be way too warm and by the time I got to her office I was soaked in sweat. She wisely has a smooth all leather couch and I sat on the edge of my seat (and I was feeling pretty riled up and manic anyway so I was comfortable there). The Garmin worked almost flawlessly. At one point early on it was showing that I was running faster than a 10 minute per mile pace when I knew I wasn't but it quickly righted itself and the rest of the time the information seemed very consistent with what I felt my effort was. I averaged an 11:56 per mile pace there and a 12:52 per mile pace on the return trip. I felt way too slow and heavy for all my fancy gear. The running tights and shirt actually looked really cute when I modeled them in front of the mirror and I was excited to wear them, but when I was running I had moments of fear that passers by were looking at me and shaking their heads about the poor fool who fancied herself enough of an athlete to warrant a bunch of gear but who really didn't deserve it.

I know, I know. Not helpful thought patterns. I'm working on it. Promise.

I believe I have a group long run this Saturday, will probably do another short one tomorrow. My legs are telling me to take it easy so I'm trying to listen. Hoping to hit REI again today for the post Christmas sale!

Smackdown

It's Christmas Crazy at my house, just jumping on for a minute for a couple of quick updates. Finished my THIRD bootcamp on Friday. I only shaved 5 seconds off my run this time but it was seriously humid and I was struggling with that. I've also felt like I've slacked a bit this past month, I've gone consistently but if I'm honest with myself (and I'm starting to realize, what is the point of not being?) I've been going through the motions too often. So I was seriously afraid I would have slipped backwards. I was relieved to know I could squeak by anyway but I need to work on the psychology of it all. Surviving bootcamp is no longer satisfying enough for its own sake.

Anyhoo: my results were as follows -
Timed mile: 8:26
Pushups in 1 minute: 35 regular, 16 bent knee
Situps in 1 minute: 41
Tricep Dips in 1 minute: 30 regular, 13 facilitated

Saturday I ran the Virginia Highlands Christmas 5K, my first race of any size. My Aunt and my Mom (both visiting from out of town) and my husband and my son all came, my largest audience ever. Thanks guys! The running part of the race was great. I knew it was a very hilly course but as per usual, when I mentally am prepared for that it was no problem. I ran the entire course and maintained pace with a group of people who certainly looked much fitter than I feel until into the third mile when they managed to pull away a bit. Hills do slow me down, but they no longer psych me out in any way and I felt strong throughout the course.

Now for the whining. The race had 1000 runners, the start was on a very narrow street with cars parked on it. The organizers allowed dogs and there were several (not tons, but enough to be a real presence). When we moved to the start area I kept trying to get to the back, knowing that I was a slower runner and not wanting to be in anyone's way. HA. Apparently not many people agreed with that tactic. I ended up about 2/3 back from the front and when the race started the road in front of me was constantly blocked by big groups of walkers. It was really aggravating, it was probably a full minute before I could take even a jogging step and get to the starting line and I think it took me a good quarter mile of fighting traffic (including dodging the aforementioned dogs who did not look like they really enjoyed getting tripped over and jumping off onto the sidewalk to get around clusters of walkers). So I believe my time was artificially slow and I forgot to bring my cheapie stop watch to time myself which was frustrating. Also there were only 4 porta potties at the start, too few for a crowd that size in my opinion. At the end they only had cups of water instead of bottles, the food was demolished by the time I reached it, and I couldn't find trash cans anywhere. And they passed out shirts at the start but didn't have a shirt drop, even though the course wasn't a loop. I had been dropped off and had no where to put my shirt and didn't relish carrying it the entire course. I already had a jacket I knew I'd ultimately tie around my waist. So I had to borrow a race volunteers phone to call Clint to swing by and pick it up. This just seems like a pain on a point to point course where they specifically recommend that you park at the finish. Had I come alone and had to walk back to my car and back to the start, especially if I had arrived at a reasonable time before the race started instead of WAY too early I would have been more than annoyed about it. Wah! Whining done.

The course was challenging but interesting. True, I live in Atlanta but I only know the commercial sections of Virginia Highlands and the roads of the course were unfamiliar to me, very picturesque with lots of beautiful houses.

Ok, I mentioned to a few folks that Clint took some pics of me as I approached the finish line. I've just loaded them on the computer a few minutes ago and looked at them on the big screen. And I'm not posting them, at least for the moment. There is a certain way I feel when I run. Strong and svelte (if a little breathy). Checking out the closeups I experienced a bit of the body dysmorphia I've blogged about before. I looked strong enough, but not so svelte, quite a bit awkward, and my mouth gaping open like a freaking fish (not to mention my hair looks really bizarre with the way the wind was styling it). SMACK. Reality DOES bite. So for now, although I really appreciate Clint taking the pictures, I'm not ready to air them. I REALLY need a better jog bra, that is one thing that's clear. Any recommendations from other D+ girls out there?

Paper Trails

Ok, bear with me. I was cleaning out a folder and discovered this post I'd written some time ago in response to Kate Harding's post "The Fantasy of Being Thin." I think it was actually part of my Supa-Fly post but I had the feeling that post was already too long and so I cut this out and set it aside for another day. I then forgot all about it and stumbled on it today. A day where I happen to be suffering a full scale attack of Imposter Syndrome. I always think blogging is about being accountable to yourself by being accountable to others. But sometimes its just about reminding yourself that the worst days are NOT the only days. And they don't have to define you, even when there are a WHOLE LOT of them in a row. So here ya' go. And here I go. Cause I needed this today.

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I have done this to myself so many times. For years I considered myself too fat to do anything TOO strenuous, which is why all my workout routines were focused on “easing into it”, “not overdoing it” and just hitting that minimum. As I’ve mentioned before, I don’t know how or why my brain short circuited and failed to follow that logic when I started bootcamp but it took sort of jumping into the deep end of fitness to realize that I WASN’T too fat to be fit. And realizing that, my running goals have quickly become so much more important to me than my weight goals. And now, all of a sudden, I’m having crazy thoughts about cooking, and making major changes that will make me happier, and maybe even conquering my fear of bicycles. It’s frightening to stop resisting and go ahead and BECOME yourself, instead of just waiting for a magic process to make you thin and thereby bring you fulfillment in every facet of your life. Being too fat was never really the problem. The problem was my obsession with watching other people who fit my ideals of who I wanted to be (including being thin and athletic) and then berating myself for not being THEM. And when I tried to be like those people, I berated myself for being an IMPOSTER. Because I was really “fat” (even if I hid some of it in clever clothing choices), and lazy, and needy (even when I tried really really hard to prove to everyone that I wasn’t) and not at all capable or loveable or worthy. If everyone who THOUGHT they liked me REALLY knew me, then they’d realize what I faker I was.

I can’t fake bootcamp. I can’t fake running. If I can have a workout like I had this morning, then I’m reasonably fit. If I can run 4 miles, then I am a runner. And even I can’t tell myself I’m just an imposter. So maybe its time to watch myself for a change, and figure out what I’m like. Because I’m beginning to think that MAYBE I just might be a kinda cool chick who is overweight, and cute, sometimes sexy, sometimes industrious and sometimes lazy, and usually needy but occasionally skillful in knowing when to express that, and somewhat capable and loveable and worthy of living and experiencing as much as she desires from life.
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Suicidal

OK, stop, put down the phone, don't call 911. It's just that Sgt. Romeo (NOT HIS REAL NAME) made us do suicides this morning. A lot of them. And they are NOT my favorite thing. I also discovered that while I prefer it to be cold when I work out cause it helps me to not overheat, 27 degrees is a little TOO cold for my lungs so the asthma was definitely making itself known this morning. Ideally I'd like it to be between 35 and 55. If someone could make that happen consistently I'd really appreciate it. And doing sit ups on frozen ground is also NOT my favorite thing.

Anyway, I've officially hit the 10 lb mark on weight loss. I really think the weight I've lost over the past 3 days has probably not been healthily lost and I'll pay for it down the road. But it would be nice to stay here. I have a new goal, to get into a Size 10 suit that I've hung on to since high school because I love it so much even though I haven't fit into it since college sometime (that would be over a decade ago). It's navy, and classic, very tailored, with rhinestone buttons. I CAN actually get it on now, but it's got that whole bursting at the seams thing going on in the skirt so I'm not quite there yet.