Accountability

I probably won't be posting as much over the holidays, all of the other stuff in my life has got me pretty wrapped up at the moment but I do want to stay accountable. Went to bootcamp on Friday and really enjoyed a fun workout that involved having a "wingman" and calling out lines from "Top Gun". Always a good way to start the day! Saturday morning I made it to the first of the Georgia Half Marathon training runs that OBC has organized. I did 3.4 miles in 40 minutes which gives me an average pace of 11:46 which I'm pleased with (although I was right at the back of the pack, by quite a bit).

I've been feeling a bit under the weather and loading up on cold medicine so I didn't make it this morning. I'll have to make it up with a run on my own sometime. I've dropped a bit more weight, but then it could just be because I'm feeling sick and not eating, which I know isn't healthy. Still, although I know its silly and probably just temporary I can't help but feel that little burst of glee every time those numbers go down.

Daddy's Girl

Today was Bring a Friend day, or, in my world, Bring My Daddy Day. The workout we did was called “Hook & Ladder” and with the formidable Brock leading it I felt kinda like I was fighting a 5 alarm fire. Run there! Quick! Turn around! Kick the curb! Jumping Jacks! Pushups! Now run there! FASTER FASTER! Now hop through the ladder! Quick now run over there! And do a wall sit for like EVAR! And a day!

WHEW! I told Dad that Bring a Friend day was usually a bit lighter. Afterwards I told him that I didn’t mean to lie to him. He was very good natured about it. Even said he wished he could sign up but he lives like an hour away. So there you have it Operation Bootcamp. Sell a franchise in or south of McDonough and he will come!

Dad totally rocked it. He was a fantastic sport about everything, not even balking at being asked to Karoke (it’s a grapevine like dance step) WITH jazz hands or being asked to skip or being asked to just run. A lot. He jumped into everything full tilt.

I’m a Daddy’s girl. My Dad has always been supportive of EVERYTHING I’ve tried or expressed an interest in. But I’ve always enjoyed at least trying to develop an interest or ability in the kinds of things he likes because it was just fun to hang out with him in his element. It started with model rockets. Then there were model other things. Air shows. Car racing (Dad drove the number 0 Karmengia while I screamed my head off from the pit). Motorcycle riding (FASTER DADDY FASTER). On roads AND off roads. Glider piloting. Parachuting (watching as a child, then trying it as an adult). Scuba diving. Go-Kart Racing (40 mph is FREAKING fast when you’re only an inch off the ground!). My Dad has opened the door to all of those experiences for me. I learned very early on that life is a big buffet and if you stick to what you know you’ll have a very boring meal.

But despite learning that early on, I lost sight of the fact that having an unhealthy body makes it difficult to get to the table, or carry your plate, or something. (ok maybe this metaphor isn’t holding up too well) but you get the idea. You start thinking that it was a good thing you did all those things when you were younger because it seems like you’re just headed downhill from there. And basically you get totally wrapped up in responsible life goals like finishing your education and getting your career off to a good start and buying a house and renovating a house and then you tick all those things off your list and you realize that now you’re basically waiting for death. Ok that sounds melodramatic but at times that’s how I was feeling. Just a few months ago.

So today, I got to invite Dad into my pre-dawn world. And I think I impressed the hell out of him. Which feels AWESOME. Because I know my Dad is already very proud of me for all the things I’ve done in my life, including accomplishing those responsible life goals. But this was special. I let him see that, for me, a whole lot of life that I had decided was just inaccessible is spread out before me again.

Sign Me UP!

Today I decided to enlist. This morning my ever versatile (and flexible!) boot camp instructors showed us what it was like to REALLY REALLY be in the army. Today, I ran in formation. While holding a rifle over my head. While singing cadences at the top of my lungs about how the Navy is for wimps and about how Army Rangers can dismantle gators with their bare hands. And while responding to commands to “FALL OUT” and drop and do 10 pushups and to “FALL IN” and reform our formation and continue running and then to sprint to the front of the pack and around the pack and back to the front all while the formation keeps moving forward. And A REAL HONEST TO GOODNESS RETIRED COLONEL ARMY RANGER GUY (Jojo’s Dad) jogged BACKWARDS next to us like it was NOTHIN!

So now I know how much FUN the army must be! And I was on such a high that I drove right over to the recruiting office!

Apparently though, I’m kinda old by army standards. And they have issues with poor eyesight and asthma. WHATEVAR!

Ok, its been a few hours. I guess I have to acknowledge that maybe it was actually a taste of Army LITE. Cause, technically speaking, we were only doing it for an hour. Not hours on end. And, if I must be honest, our rifles were really really lightweight. As in …… light as air. As in … Imaginary. And we didn’t even pretend to carry 30 lb packs on our backs. Or run through sand or jungle. Or get shot at.

But I definitely do not play enough pretend in my life and I TOTALLY need to remedy that because this morning REALLY REALLY was like the most fun I’ve had in WEEKS. (This may actually be kind of disturbing if I’d stop to think about it but I’m not going to disrupt this groove I’ve got going on!) I’ve had a stupid grin all day. Not only was my knee completely painless for the whole 3 miles but my shins and my calves were totally cool too. I hit that stride, I was keeping up with our pace setter just FINE! I was even able to encourage my formation partner who has a heart of steel and who tried her hardest to keep up. This is her first bootcamp and she reminds me a lot of me 3 months ago. And I tried my best to boost her here and there and I hope she knows how much she rocked it out! And I cracked a few jokes! And I shouted HOOAH with conviction and not a little pride.

Normally I don’t track mileage at boot camp because it doesn’t usually make sense but I did for this one because we did spend most of the hour in motion on a trackable route. If you check my training log you’ll see that our avg. pace seems slow but it included two stretching sessions, several push up breaks and a couple of side sprints that I didn’t track.

Looking forward to sharing this with my Dad tomorrow, I think he’ll really be amazed at how far his little bookworm has come!

On ice

Made it to bootcamp this morning, and had a great workout. I started off sort of gingerly, a bit afraid of my knee. It was still stiff but not as much as yesterday and it ended up performing like a champ! And I had a couple of cool revelations that had nothing to do with running.
1. I can now officially crab walk without major difficulty, and fairly quickly too! I do however refuse to sing "Under the Sea" while I'm doing it. Sorry Jojo!
2. I can now do rowboats the proper way, also fairly quickly (that's actually my secret plan of attack on all exercises that are hard, power through them as fast as possible so you don't have a chance to talk yourself into quitting. I know that isn't always an ideal approach!).
3. I can even do V-sits almost properly although I'm incapable of talking back to fellow campers who are marveling at my V-sit ability while I'm actually doing them. And laughing throws me off a bit.
4. I love planks. Not saying I want to do them all day, but they feel comfortable, like my body "fits" in that position.
5. Inchworms, squat jacks and other squatting/jumping exercises are not horrible anymore. I still hate burpees though. I think they will always be the brussel sprouts of exercise for me. Seriously, what possible purpose do brussel sprouts serve in this world? Being a southern girl I've even tried them fried. Nope. I will never force them on my child, ever. I will however endure 45 minutes (NOT KIDDING) of whining and "I'm dying . . . I'm choking . . ." tearful dramatics in order to bribe my child into eating 5 BABY CARROTS. Starting small . . . we'll get there! If only he could appreciate the fact that they weren't brussel sprouts!

After bootcamp was over, I did the exercises I read about for my inner quads. At first it felt really really easy, then that muscle would hit its wall like, ALL OF A SUDDEN and I just couldn't lift that leg again. It was kind of wierd. It didn't take long and I'm glad I just dropped to the ground and did them then, otherwise they probably wouldn't get done.

I'm icing now, not feeling any pain but I figure this just needs to be my routine so I don't get thrown off my training schedule again. In case anyone was wondering, my shins are doing great, but my calfs are sore as hell. But apparently that indicates that my gait is better now as sore calfs are normal, and MUCH more stretchable and resiliant than shins so that's good. I really think that shift is totally due to the Superfeet Insoles. Unfortunately the insoles are still giving me blisters inside my arch which is annoying but Jojo told me all about BodyGlide today . . . I'd like to meet the athlete that decided to use his or her "special" lubricant in a new way. Very very clever!

Getting pscyhed about my Dad coming to Bring a Friend day on Thursday! Go Dad! And now that I've proclaimed it to the world you can't back out!

Just a quick 2 mile run . . . .

Ok, I was good on Saturday. Even though my knee wasn't bothering me AT ALL. I WANTED it to hurt a bit because then I would have felt better about missing the race. Honestly, had it been an intown race I might have gone but by the time I realized it wasn't hurting AT ALL (did I mention that?) it was too late to get to the start on time. With missing the race and other issues which I won't go into here, Saturday was completely exhausting and overwhelming emotionally. By Sunday morning I was such a torrent of just overwroughtness (I'm making that a word if it isn't one already) on the inside that I was worried about just exploding. I slept in. I went to church. Church was soothing but it wasn't enough and I still felt so tightly wound that I avoided actually speaking to anyone at church which kinda defeats the purpose of being part of a worship community. But hey, I did what I could handle at the time. When I got home I just had to run. HAD TO RUN. Or destroy something. I decided I'd run up my street to the end of it, which is exactly .5 miles from my front door. If my knee started bothering me I'd turn around and walk back. Not unreasonable. At the .5 mile point my knee was not bothering me, so I continued on my 2.3 mile route. It was actually pretty tough because my left leg muscles were still annoyed about Friday and so my left leg was just generally tight and achy (even after stretching) and it was the middle of the day, sunny, and in the upper 70's. NOT my favorite conditions. But it was just enough of a distance to mollify my inner demons and I felt SO much better when I was done.

The urgency I felt is what I imagine a drug addict feels looking for the next fix. I described it to my doctor this morning and she was so excited that I'm addicted to exercise. I'm excited too, although I still routinely step outside myself for a minute and don't recognize what I see. I have moments where I think so much of the last 3 months have been some sort of fantasy, or a waking day dream, or just an old fashioned dream I haven't woken up from yet like in a soap opera.

This morning I could not wake up, my alarm beeped extra long as I incorporated the sound into my dream instead of waking for it. My knee wasn't hurting per se but it felt very stiff and there is some pain when I bend it all the way. I always check the weather with my blackberry before I get out of bed and when I read that the humidity was 95% I bailed. I feel a little bad about it but I'm not beating myself up. I'm tired. Like bone tired all over through and through tired. I know bootcamp would have probably given me a burst of energy but it just didn't feel right this morning.

At the doctor I couldn't replicate the pain I felt on Friday, and the area that hurt then wasn't tender to her touch. What WAS tender to her touch was my IT Band. OUCH! I about jumped off the table when she pressed on it. So she diagnosed me with ITBS, gave me some material which included special stretches, and told me to continue icing and ibuprofen and listening to my body. I'm still concerned that I may be dealing with Chondromalacia (inflammation of the cartilage under the kneecap) based on the symptoms I had Friday but she pointed out that the treatment is essentially the same. I've done some more research and I also need to do some focused strengthening of the inner quad muscles. In running those muscles aren't developed as much and it creates an imbalance than can lead to or exacerbate both ITBS and Chondromalacia. Anyway, she did lots of manipulation of both knees and moved them around in some interesting ways. Both of them made some popping noises, the right more than the left, but there wasn't any pain associated with the noises and since it is on both sides she said it could just be the way I'm built but that I need to be mindful of it and come in immediately if I experience any locking of the joint.

On the positive side my blood pressure is finally down. Since I JUST started my new meds she wants me to come back in a few weeks to check in again and to make sure my bloodwork is still normal.

So, I'll keep looking forward, stop catastrophizing, and maybe learn to use a run/walk gait when I need to. Group Operation Bootcamp training for the Half starts this Saturday. I'm excited but also hoping I'm not the only slow one!

AAAAAAARRRRRRRARRRRARRRRAAAHHHHH

Betrayal. Yesterday, Thursday, I noticed, maybe two times, a sharp pain under my right kneecap. Each time as soon as I took my weight off my right leg it went away. And since it only happened twice in an hour that included a lot of sprinting I actually forgot about it later in the day.

Today it complained more loudly. I would still get several running steps in with no problem and then . . . randomly . . . WHAMMO and I’d gasp and take my weight off quickly. So I got slower and slower, putting that right foot down more and more gingerly and letting my left leg do most of the work. It’s pretty annoyed right now. . . I can imagine my two legs arguing like kids in the back seat. “So . . . you just had to go and do something nutty to get mom’s attention and now I’VE got to be the ‘good’ leg and hold this body together!”

I can’t slip much past my bootcamp instructors and they started asking me how I was doing. I finally confessed and Jojo started giving me modified options. Backpedaling when going uphill, lunge walking instead of jumping, that sort of thing. Then Heidi checked in. And got VERY STERN with me. I started to get all whiny…. “But there’s this 8K race tomorrow . . . and I just HAVE to run it!” And Heidi threatened to come to my house. She never said what she would do at my house (and since Heidi is really cool she’d certainly be welcome anytime) but it was implied that she would bodily keep me from going to the race. She told me about her friend who experienced a “random stabbing pain” in his knee and decided to “tough it out” and run a race. He ended up with 3 surgeries and lost his ability to run EVER AGAIN.

Ok, wait a second, I’M the catastrophizer around here! I have a doctor’s appointment already scheduled on Monday. I fantasized about getting into a doctor today and being told that I was just being silly but that turned out to not be possible. I’ve iced it and taken anti-inflammatories. I started thinking that maybe I could lay low, ice a lot, take a lot of pills and “just try” tomorrow. The next time I got up from my seat it started twinging while I was just walking. It clearly is trying to get its point across.

Despair. I feel like someone has kidnapped my puppy and is dangling him over a precipice. Running and bootcamp are really the ONLY things going well in my life right now. With everything else I’m mostly just putting on a good act. If this is something that will require me to stop running for more than just a few days I . . . . I don’t know. The road is the thread keeping me together at the moment. The fear of not being able to run is crushing me.

I know I jumped in the deep end. After years of inactivity I have put my muscles through some serious abuse for which they were wholly unprepared. I think I may have diagnosed myself through Dr. Google. If I’m right the treatment involves rest, then physical therapy to strengthen the muscles that guide and hold the kneecap. And it may be chronic, something I’ll battle from here on out. But I’ll keep doing the ice, and the anti-inflammatories, and the rest and I’ll give the Dr. her say on Monday. Not going to this race tomorrow makes me feel like I’m standing myself up at the prom. Not going to the race hurts as much, if not more so, than my knee. And I know its only one race. But I’m so afraid of the possibilities. I don’t want to see the beginning of the end.

Testing the Water

I’ve been spending a lot of time reading the blogs of some inspiring folks and fantasizing about other things I might be capable of doing someday. Some bloggers have come so far in so short a period that I’m compelled to back up to the start of the blog and read it from start to finish. I marvel at how unique and amazing they are and at the same time how like me they are in their fears and obsessions. And the doors in my mind just fly open. I did that with Half of Me (and I’m looking forward to her book in May) and now I’m doing it with Athena Diaries. I’ve read all of 2005 (where she started, like me, from a place where she avoided stairs and never exercised) and 2006 (which she ended with 20 sprint triathlons, 2 olympic distance triathlons, and 2 half ironman triathlons under her belt – in addition to some duathlons and assorted running races under her belt). WOW. Triathlons are officially really really cool and I officially am stating publicly that I want to do one . . . or more . . . someday. I have a tendency to get ahead of myself so I’ve faced the sobering fact that, thus far, my longest distance run was only 5 miles. Which is fine for a sprint tri, if I just skip the bike and the swim parts. And I’m scared of bikes. Well, not so much the bike itself as the fear of what bad things could happen to a person on a bike. And I don’t own a bike. And I’ve been on one exactly 10 minutes in the last 10 years and found it extremely uncomfortable in the saddle. And although I learned all the swimming strokes as a child and can still technically do them I have no access to an indoor Olympic sized pool and no place in the budget to purchase such access. And I should focus on my half in March, and on other races like that and maybe then on a full marathon before I complicate my life with the equipment and training schedule necessary for multisport racing.

But now I know that I’m not relegated to life behind a wall watching active people running away from me on the other side. And just about anything seems possible. And endurance sports appeal to me because from all of Athena’s race reports one thing that is really clear is that just finishing is really excellent, and respected, and there is lots of cheering. I know I will get faster but I just have a hunch that speed is not my game. But I can be dogged when I’m focused on something, and I’m not too pain sensitive (my husband will protest as he’s reading this but my freakout over cutting my finger on Thanksgiving was due to the idea of the knife cutting my skin…..I have a weird fear of all kinds of blades . . . not from the pain per se. And I did rise above and go on to cook a kick ass Thanksgiving dinner, something else I thought I couldn’t ever do).

In other news, I have a job, which really really really interferes with my other interests. I got stuck at said job till 4:45 am Wednesday morning (it was an off day for bootcamp so that was something at least) and was back up and working by 9:30 and worked a full day and just didn’t have it in me to run 2 miles on no sleep and very little food. So I’m a bit nervous about the fact that I haven’t run since Saturday and I won’t get the chance to run again until my race this Saturday. But that’s ok, I just want my number for my wall. I wish I could race every weekend but as I work on increasing distances the numbers don’t work out. Unless I could find one close enough to run to and run home from then maybe I could do it.

I drank more water than usual before bootcamp and ate a 140 calorie bar with 10g of protein and bootcamp went well. Instructor Deana was in charge and she is . . . . how shall I say . . . . INTENSE. I have no doubt I will hear her counting in my dreams tonight. We did 20/20/20 which involved 15 sets of sprinting, 100 pushups, 100 sit ups, 100 squats, 10 sets of various kinds of planks and assorted ab work, plus a jogging warm up and cool down. I wasn’t totally gung ho all the way through but I feel proud of how I did on some of the sprints (VERY middle of the pack, NOT so much back of the pack). And maintaining a plank is more restful now and less OMIGOSH MY BODY IS SHAKING SO HARD I CAN’T KEEP THIS UP than it used to be. My biggest problem was a wardrobe malfunction. My left breast decided it wanted to escape the confines of my bra and see the world. Or maybe it just wanted to punch me in the face and tell me to stop all this sprinting nonsense. Since I pretty much ignore the signals my legs are sending me to stop my body might just be getting creative in its attempts to communicate. I had to keep “adjusting” it back into the bra cup, luckily bootcampers are a tolerant group and no one called me out for it.

Still have received no CALL from my HAPPY HAPPY FUTURE. Looks like I’ll have to RSVP for the company holiday party after all.