Friday, October 19, 2007

Ascending and descending scales

Weight, energy, motivation, happiness, stress, fitness, bodyfat, tolerance . . . all can be measured on a scale. Weight goes down, motivation goes up. Happiness goes down, energy follows quickly. Fitness goes up, energy follows. . . and sometimes, pulls happiness with it.

Tuesday rocked, I felt strong and energetic and happy and fit. I also noticed some downward movement on the scale which boosted my morale.

Yesterday was completely different. It was hot and humid, I had to use my rescue inhaler for the first time DURING a workout, every step I took felt like I was running through molasses and I felt defeated. To their credit Jojo and Tim and Brock kept encouraging me and reminding me how far I've come but everything was just more difficult than I wanted it to be yesterday.

I hate that I'm so volatile in my scales. My energy and motivation and happiness and stress can race in either direction at a moments' notice. At times they are triggered externally but at other times it feels like a mysterious process over which I have little control. I know that I can trick my body sometimes, as I noted above the scales are connected, so if I work out anyway, then it should give me some sense of satisfaction which should positively impact other facets. Yesterday though I just felt stuck for most of the day.

And I didn't go this morning. It was supposed to be thunderstorming this morning. I found myself annoyed when my alarm went off and it wasn't. This is still just "downtime" between the bootcamps and I did go twice this week and I did run a 5K less than a week ago so I DESERVE a break. This is what I told myself. I'm sore all over, I counseled myself, I should take more time for recovery this weekend so I can start strong on Monday.

It is true that I'm sore all over. Some of it is exercise related but a lot of it is still the same achiness that I was experiencing all the time prior to starting bootcamp. Although I really hoped that bootcamp would miraculously release me from that I don't think it has made it any worse. So my original revelation that if I'm gonna be in pain regardless I might as well be healthy and in pain still holds true.

And now I regret it. I feel worse for staying home. I feel like I tricked myself into keeping the good scales depressed and the bad scales elevated. I was afraid of feeling defeated again. So, since I'm so clever, I sidestepped. I avoided. And in so doing I defeated myself. Which is worse.

Objectively, I know that my feelings are over the top. I know that no matter what I deserve big props for what I've done over the past 6 weeks. But I can't always convince my heart that I'm not a huge failure and that it was ridiculous to think that I'd ever be slim and trim and fit and energetic and live happily ever after. I know that I can't expect to have reached all my goals in such a short time and I know that I have reached and beat goals that I would never have previously conceived for myself. I KNOW THAT. But I'm just not feeling it at the moment.

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