Monday, October 1, 2007

Down, down, down (the rabbit hole?)

Ugh. That word pretty much describes how I feel right now. Sorry to not be all upbeat and inspirational but I had kind of a rotten weekend and I'm really depressed about stuff going on in pretty much every facet of my life other than bootcamp. The emotional pain totally amplifies the physical pain. Getting up this morning was the hardest it has been since I started bootcamp, I just had to tell myself that, even if I feel like a complete failure in every other arena, I can't allow myself to sabotage this one thing.

I was mean and snippy to everyone, even sweet kind Instructor Tim (Sorry Tim!). I got mad at everyone during the workout and I just felt like I had NO reserves to draw on. Aches and pains that normally don't effect me too much just felt totally crushing and overwhelming and scary.

So, I'll keep it short so as to not bum everyone else out. Today's workout was "5 Star General" and it involved more circuit type stuff but in a criss crossing pattern which made for some harrowing moments as faster folks and slower folks had to cross paths in the middle. And we had to do crab walks which for some reason my body just doesn't do. I sometimes get a twinge in my lower back trying to get my butt off the ground, but mostly my body just won't do it and won't maintain that position, its like I don't know what muscles to use, as soon as I move one arm or foot I fall down like a lopsided tripod. And for some reason today, with the cold cold wet grass, it was just hurting the heck out of my hands to put all that weight on them. And we've already established that I was battling some serious attitude issues which didn't help. But I made it through, and stayed for punishment, which totally pissed me off too.

I know, pizza is pizza is pizza. But it was thin crust with chicken and no cheese (ok, I don't know anything about the tandoori part and apparently mangos are like rock candy in the sugar department) and I was just so freaking hungry at lunch on Friday that a salad, even with meat, was just NOT going to cut it.

I want to binge right now SO BADLY. I'd like a Sex on the Beach and a cheeseburger and a whole bunch of french fries. Rinse, and Repeat. I know its that whole emotional void thing I'm feeling but knowing that just reminds me why I'm feeling an emotional void and . . . well its one of those vicious cycles. But I'm NOT binging, so that's SOMETHING I guess.

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